


a natural affinity for hiding emotion

by frogsinfishnets



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abusive Parents, Angst, Anxiety, Coming Out, Cute, Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, No Smut, Panic Attacks, Self-Acceptance, Slow Burn, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:01:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 39,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26713399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frogsinfishnets/pseuds/frogsinfishnets
Summary: I like to imagine the stars used to be whole, but now they are broken and shattered into pieces, scattered around. But somehow the moon keeps all the pieces together, and creates a beautiful night sky above us. And the stars allow the moon to become less harsh, and bring out the grace of the being, creating a partnership like no other.Yamaguchi Tadashi, the stars in the sky. Freckles scattered across his cheeks, but destroyed into a million pieces by the people supposed to protect him, but still brings out the light side to his moon.Tsukishima Kei, the moon to Tadashi’s stars, as stark and beautiful as the globe itself, but keeps Tadashi together, just like he is supposed to.But most importantly, the stars and the moon go together, need each other, and live in harmony.For love.DISCONTINUED
Relationships: Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 146
Kudos: 201





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is my first fanfic! it might not go brilliantly but i appreciate any support i get :) i’m hoping to release new chapters at least once every two days, but mostly every day!

Hi! This is just a bit of an introduction to myself, and letting you know some things about this book! Hi, my name is Jay and i am the author of this book! i can’t wait to share it with you all! however, this book does contain some triggering content which i will list here:

homophobia  
panic attacks/anxiety  
abuse  
self harm  
detailed violence

Bullying

However, i will let you know in the notes at the beginning of a chapter if anything like this will happen, and advise you where to skip from to avoid it. 

I know this probably won’t get a lot of support, but i really appreciate any that it does get. 

sincerely, Jay


	2. A simple introduction to life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! this is the first chapter of my fic! 
> 
> CHAPTER WARNING: ABUSE  
> this chapter contains abuse, however the plot revolves around this abuse, so if it is triggering for you, i advise you stop reading.
> 
> this chapter is a little short, as it’s only the introduction, so be wary that the others will be longer.

“Tsukishima! Wait up!”

It was Tadashi Yamaguchi, who had been waiting for his friend at the school gate. The two of them had been inseparable ever since elementary school. Back then, Yamaguchi frequently got bullied for the scatter of freckles over his cheeks, people saying it made him look as if there were dirt all over him. However, on one of the days this happened, Kei Tsukishima witnessed it.  
“Pathetic.” Tsukishima had sneered at the bullies. Truth be told, the bullies were absolutely petrified of him, as Tsukki was extremely tall for his age. The bullies soon left Tadashi alone, and from that day, the two have almost been attached at the hip. 

“Hi Yamaguchi.” Tsukishima responded with half the enthusiasm. Tsukishima had always been like that though, but it certainly didn’t stop Yamaguchi from wanting to be friends with him, so it was never an issue. 

“How was your day? I know we have all of our classes together but you sit so far apart from me I can never talk to you!” Yamaguchi was still irritated that the teacher separated them, but it was for the better, as they certainly weren’t doing much learning while sitting nearby. 

“It was okay I guess.” Tsukki responded, however his day wasn’t really okay at all. All day he had been thinking about something. It had been bouncing around his mind for a while now and he simply couldn’t shake it. Thinking deeply is a dangerous thing to do, especially while you are supposed to be working, as you often get caught up in your own mind. However thanks to Tsukki’s natural affinity for working quickly though, this wasn’t a problem. The problem was the thought itself. All day he’d been telling himself it was impossible, but the fact that it was a possibility scared him. He- He couldn’t be gay, could he? He shook his head to himself and looked up. Yamaguchi was looking at him, with an almost quizzical look on his face. Yamaguchi could tell something was wrong, Tsukki never showed much emotion unless something was. 

“Tsukki? Are you okay?” Yamaguchi knew he wouldn’t get an answer, but it was worth a try.

“Why do you always ask that? Aren’t you the one with the traumatic childhood?” Tsukki said, looking at Yamaguchi. _He can’t know. It would ruin everything._

“You never know who needs someone to care, so I always ask people how they are feeling. You know Tsukki, if something is wrong, you can tell me.” _He avoided my question. Something is definitely wrong._

“I know Yamaguchi,” _except I can’t tell you this._ “I think I’d better be going. My mother will be worried.” Tsukishima knew his mother wouldn’t be worried. He just needed to get out of there before he said something he regretted. 

“Oh. Okay. Sorry Tsukki.” 

They began walking in opposite directions, towards each of their houses. It was a cold day, the feeling of an autumnal breeze washing across Yamaguchis face. Tadashi Yamaguchi did not want to go home. Home wasn’t a good place for him. It never had been. As a child, he was always at Kei’s house, it was a safe place for him. It was almost like a second home, well, that’s what Tsukishima’s mother said anyway, that it was his second home. However to Yamaguchi, it was his only home. The other place he was expected to call home was more like a house with his “parents” in it, although they never acted as if they were his parents at all. Even as a young child, they screamed at him, called him names, everything that could scare a toddler. As he got older, it got worse. Once he started junior high, they started hitting him. They started calling him worse things. They told him to die. They never loved him, and Yamaguchi has accepted that they never will. 

His parents don’t get along well with each other either. On the nights Yamaguchi wasn’t getting screamed at himself, he could hear them downstairs at each others throats. Some nights, he heard things smash, or loud bangs as if a gun had been shot. He always just lay there, staring at the ceiling, crying. He had no choice. He couldn’t go downstairs, without risk of being hurt again, so he had to sit there with his pillows on his ears, hot tears dripping from his eyes. He was used to it at this point. 

He took a deep breath as he walked, not wanting to think about it any further. He slowed his pace, as to not arrive any quicker than he needed to. I should probably get food, if they are arguing they won’t cook dinner, he thought to himself. He then turned around, and began walking down to Coach Ukai’s convenience store, where he got himself a chicken sandwich, telling his coach it was just for a late afternoon snack. 

As he walked home for the second time that day, Yamaguchi yet again took a deep breath, slowed his pace as to not arrive too quickly. He turned the corner. He was now on his street. He took a breath. He looked at his house. The lights downstairs were on. _Please don’t be fighting. Please, Please, Please._ He walked up to the front door. He pushed it, and it opened.

_At least I didn’t have to knock._


	3. Distractions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thank you for all the support! It means a lot to me! Thought I'd release this chapter a little early as I've nearly finished the next chapter too! 
> 
> CHAPTER WARNINGS: abuse, panic attack, parents fighting, mention of a gunshot.
> 
> To avoid the panic attack, please skip from the ⚠️ To the next. The rest is all part of the plot or too small to avoid, so bare that in mind.

CHAPTER 2 - DISTRACTIONS

“WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TO TELL ME THAT YOU LITTLE-“  
“THAT WRETCHED BOY-”  
“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”

They were fighting. As much as he’d hoped they weren’t, it seemed Yamaguchi was out of luck, not that he’d ever had much, because they were very definitely fighting. He turned around and caught the door before it blew shut, and gently closed it, quiet enough for it not to be heard. 

“YOU REALLY THINK YOU ARE ALL THAT DON’T YOU”

Yamaguchi winced, removed his shoes and placed them gently by the door. It was the third time this week they had fought. Carefully he walked up the stairs, avoiding the ones that creaked. These stairs were engraved into Tadashi's mind by now, and had been ever since the first night they hit him. It never occurred to Tadashi that this wasn’t normal. He thought everyone knew that socks were quieter than barefoot, which stairs creaked and how to sneak out of your bedroom without using the front door. _Phew. I made it._

“IDIOT…. YOU ARE SO… WHY CAN’T YOU JUST…”

At least he couldn’t hear the incessant shouting as clearly now. He closed his bedroom door, found the key and locked it behind him, making sure this process was as silent as he could make it, heart beating so fast he could hear it. He was safe now. Or as safe as he could get in this house.

The fighting continued all evening, progressively getting much worse, the harsh tones and booming voices echoing the walls. He could hear his mother’s voice crack because she was shouting so loudly. Rebounding throughout the house, his father’s words were strong and violent, as if he were about to hurt someone. Truth be told, the toweringly tall man probably was. Yamaguchi could hear his name being mentioned surprisingly often in this argument, which was something that didn’t happen a lot. Then, with a wave of petrification flowing through his veins, Yamaguchi realised something. The monsters downstairs were arguing about him. Yamaguchi didn’t notice when the sharp, hot tears started flowing but they came in abundance. His bottom lip quivered, his whole body tensed up. He sobbed as his parents were now giving him indirect emotional abuse, screaming things about him, horrible things that even they daren’t say to his face. This was worse.

⚠️

Yamaguchi lay down, choking back sobs, and ate his sandwich. The sandwich tasted mediocre, as the chicken was dry, the bread soggy, so combining it with tears didn’t make a nice meal. Halfway through said sandwich though, Yamaguchi had to stop eating. He couldn’t breathe. The pace of his breaths became erratic and uncontrollable. Pumping considerably faster than it should be, his heartbeat began to be the only thing he could hear. In an attempt to gain back his emotions, although this feat was almost impossible to achieve in this situation, he began clicking his fingers together. He had to find something to distract himself, he couldn’t do this right now. _Tsukki._ Yamaguchi didn’t know why he was what came to mind, but it did. So Yamaguchi began texting Kei, asking him regular questions, making small talk. It was calming.

⚠️

Kei had always been there for Tadashi, no matter what was wrong. Kei himself was never great at showing, let alone handling his own emotions, but he somehow was the only person who could calm Yamaguchi in one of these despairing times. Thinking about it, Yamaguchi had never once felt better when anyone else talked to him. Perhaps it was that Tsukki knew him best, but Yamaguchi couldn’t help thinking that maybe it was because of a feeling, not even he understood yet. 

Yamaguchi heard something. A gunshot. Indistinguishably a gunshot. 

It was only five o’clock. They were never this bad by five-o’clock.

 _I need to get out._ Now. Yamaguchi felt panic return, however, this time his adrenaline controlled him instead. He opened his window. He looked at the tree he and Tsukki always used to climb as children, when his parents were away of course. Yamaguchi hated having to associate it with negativity, as this tree was part of his happiest memories. Some of his only happy memories. But alas, he had no choice. Climbing onto its branches, he winced as they wobbled.  
_I must have grown quite a bit since I last used this._ Thankfully, after a childhood of outdoors, he was a talented climber, so climbed down to the ground easily. Pressing his whole body against the wall of his house, as to not be seen out of the kitchen window, he crawled away. As soon as he was out of eyeshot, Yamaguchi began sprinting away, his small legs running faster than his body could. 

Once he got to the park, he stopped to rest, his body almost collapsing out of pure and utter exhaustion. He got out his phone and looked at his face with the camera. _Damn it. My eyes are so red, you can really tell I’ve been crying. I’ll just tell Tsukki it’s my hay-fever playing up._ With that, Yamaguchi closed his phone and began calmly walking to Tsukki’s house, hoping he’d be able to stay the night. 

When Yamaguchi arrived at Tsukishima’s house he rang the doorbell and waited. No answer. _That’s odd, Tsukki never said he’d be going anywhere?_ Then, after maybe 5 minutes he heard someone coming down the stairs of the Tsukishima residence. It was Tsukishima coming to answer the door. His parents weren’t going to be back for a few days, so he was a little worried about who might be at the door. He was really hoping it wasn’t Yamaguchi, after the conversation earlier, and his thoughts all day he didn’t think he could handle Yama right now. But when Tsukki opened the door it was Yamaguchi, freckles and all.  
“Wh- what are you doing here?” Tsukki answered, eyes wide. _I can’t believe it! The one day I can’t handle seeing him and he shows up unannounced! Has- has he been crying? His eyes are suspiciously red, and he looks a little shaken up._

“I came to ask if I could stay the night? My parents are out of town, and my hay-fever is really taking its toll on me so I didn’t want anything to go wrong health-wise while they were gone.” Yama responded, all of it being lies. He smiled, which was also fake, but he guessed all of that practice in the mirror paid off.

STAY THE NIGHT?! Tsukki couldn’t think of anything worse. But he had to say yes, Yamaguchi looked upset and it was his duty as a friend. “Sure, whatever, my parents aren’t home either so I could use some company.”

_Didn’t he say earlier his mother would be mad if he wasn’t home early? Was he avoiding me? Something is definitely up with Tsukki._

Yamaguchi looked at Tsukishima. His eyes were puffy, lips chapped. Before Yamaguchi arrived Tsukishima had been crying. He’d finally reached a decision. He was definitely gay. That fact simply proved too overwhelming for him though. What if his family didn’t accept him? WHAT IF YAMAGUCHI DIDN’T ACCEPT HIM?! Tsukishima simply couldn’t process his thoughts. 

They two boys went upstairs to Tsukki’s room, and Yamaguchi looked around with a small smile, this one genuine. Tadashi had always loved Tsukishima’s room, with the small dinosaurs on the shelves, the absolutely huge bed, the minty green walls that made him feel safe, and the fact that Tsukki was there. Yamaguchi loved that last one the most. 

All of a sudden Akiteru, Tsukishima’s brother, burst through the front door and shouted “Kei! I’m home!”  
_Damn it. I forgot he’d be home._

“Akiteru! Yamaguchi is here, please leave us alone!” Tsukishima yelled. _I can’t believe I forgot he’d be here!_

Tsukki looked at Yamaguchi. “I’m so sorry, I forgot he’d be home.” As Tsukki was looking at Tadashi though, he found himself looking at his freckles. They were scattered perfectly, like little stars on his face. How had he never noticed how pretty Yamaguchi was before now? _Stop it Tsukki, he’s getting uncomfortable._

“Why did you want me to leave you alone so bad Tsukki? What are you doing with Yamaguchi? Are you dating or something? Or are you fu-“ Akiteru tried to say but got interrupted.

“Akiteru. If you finish that sentence I will hit you so hard you go into orbit.” His little brother responded his face bright red. _HOW COULD HE SAY THAT? WHILE YAMAGUCHI IS HERE? OH MY GOD, HE IS SO DEAD TOMORROW._  
“He is staying the night, his hay-fever is playing up and he was home alone and didn’t want to get ill so he came here. And I wanted you to leave us alone because I know you would do something like this. I was correct.” 

Akiteru just smiled. “Okay, okay I’ll leave you alone. Goodnight boys.” He teased while waking away to his own room on the floor above. 

Tsukishima then promptly apologised for his brother, however that didn’t stop Yamaguchi thinking about what he had said.  
_Dating? He thought we were dating? I guess I’m not completely against the idea but- no. I’ve had enough on my plate tonight without thinking about this._

The rest of the evening was fairly normal, both boys had already had dinner, so they began studying in Tsukki’s room. Yamaguchi caught his eyes wandering to Kei a few times, but overall dismissed the feelings that came with them. He just couldn’t handle feeling like that tonight, not after what happened at home. 

When it reached 11 pm, they decided it would be best if they went to bed, as it was a Tuesday tomorrow, so they had school. Yamaguchi had always slept in Kei’s bed when he stayed over, as it’s so huge.

 _Damn it. I forgot pyjamas. HOW COULD I FORGET PYJAMAS?!_  
“Tsukki?” he asked tentatively. “I’m so sorry, but I forgot my pyjamas, do you have anything I could borrow?” 

Tsukishima Kei looked at him for a second, then went rummaging deep in one of his drawers. _It’s here somewhere…_ After a minute or so or searching, Tsukishima pulled out an old hoodie. It had his name on the back, as it was his junior high leavers hoodie. “Is this okay?”

Yamaguchi looked at him. _Is that one of his hoodies? It HAS HIS NAME ON! OH MY GOD!_ Speechless, Yamaguchi just nodded. _Why am I so happy to have his hoodie?_

They fell asleep on Tsukki’s bed, well, Tadashi did. With his head on Kei’s chest. Tsukki didn’t think it was intentional, but wow it took his breath away. He could smell strawberries, his favourite, all over Tadashi. He didn’t think that was intentional either. He looked at Yamaguchi in awe. He was even a pretty sleeper. His freckles were more beautiful than ever, like Yamaguchi’s personal galaxy. He had a strand of hair resting on his lip too. Tsukki gently brushed Tadashi’s hair from his face, wrapped his arms around him, then fell asleep.

However, there was a mistake in the first sentence of that paragraph. Well, he thought Tadashi did.


	4. A realisation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Small mention of abuse in this chapter, so look out for that! Other than that though this is just fluff and emotion so get ready for a bumpy ride!

Chapter 3

 _What- what time is it?_  
Yamaguchi opened his eyes groggily and looked around at his surroundings.

_Is- Is Tsukki holding me?!_

Yamaguchi took a breath. Tsukki arms were wrapped around him, in almost a hug, his long arms resting limply against Yamaguchi’s waist. Yamaguchi could feel Tsukki’s chest rising and falling with each breath, and hear a soft heartbeat in his ear. Yamaguchi loved it.

Yamaguchi’s eyes caught the clock. 8:25.  
 _Damn it. It’s Tuesday. We need to get to school in half an hour._

“Tsukki,” Yamaguchi said gently. “good morning.”   
Tsukishima opened his eyes slowly, looking at Yamaguchi, and realised what had happened. 

He snatched his arms from Tadashi’s waist, eyes wide with shock and cheeks as red as strawberries.   
“YAMAGUCHI! I- I AM SO SORRY!” Kei exclaimed, still in shock. Yes, he initiated the hug from last night, but now Yamaguchi was awake… _I AM SUCH AN IDIOT! He probably thinks I’m weird now if he didn’t before._

“It’s okay Tsukki, I didn’t mind. We really do need to hurry though, we have school soon.” Yamaguchi said reluctantly. After yesterday, he didn’t want to go to school at all, but it couldn’t be helped. At least his parents were never at home on Tuesdays. 

“Kei what’s the all the shouting about-” Akiteru walked in, without knocking (this wasn’t rare for him), stopping mid-sentence. His eyes widened and his eyebrows raised at the sight of the two boys lying next to each other, face to face, centimetres away from each other. “Um- I- I’m going to go now.” And with that, Akiteru walked out. 

Tsukishima looked at Yamaguchi and began to laugh. Soon, the two of them were chuckling together, Akiteru’s shocked expression playing through their minds.   
“Tsukki. We really need to get up now.” Tadashi said, clearly not wanting to. “We need to leave in 10 minutes.” 

_I can’t believe it. Tsukki was so shocked when he saw what he had done. I guess I was too. As I was laying there last night, I could feel a warmth beneath me, and around me. I loved it. I felt him move my hair from my face, touching my lips as he did so as that was where it rested. It sent shocks of electricity down my spine, and I had to stop myself from giving the game away by hugging him. I didn’t have to though, because next thing I knew, his arms were wrapped around my waist, pulling me closer into a tight hug. I don’t think he knew I was awake. Why did I feel so happy when he did that? I-_

“Yamaguchi? Yamaguchi! The answer to 7 please.” Yamaguchi was soon snapped out of those thoughts when his teacher decided to target him. He hadn’t been listening, and he was never very good at math. He began to panic. He didn’t know the answer. He looked at Tsukishima, and thank god he’d been listening because he was signalling to Tadashi under the table. 567.

“567, I think.” He replied, as calmly as he could. Thank god for Tsukki. 

Luckily, he was right, and his teacher continued. 

_If- if I did like Tsukki though, imagine if my parents found out? They are bad enough as it is, but if they knew I were gay I think my beatings would be worse. Deeper cuts, bigger bruises._

Yamaguchi felt tears prick his eyes. He looked upward, to stop them from flowing. He definitely couldn’t cry here. 

The day progressed slowly, as did Yamaguchi’s emotions. However, what Yamaguchi didn’t know was that Tsukishima was also having these strange, unprecedented sensations.

_Having his head on my chest last night. I loved it. It was a gentle weight but still comfortable, and it made me feel safe. I don’t know why I didn’t just push him off me like always, but this… this was different. It was like I saw him for the first time. His hair was soft when I brushed it away, and as soon as my hand touched his lips, I felt a spark. I don’t why, but I did. I- I don’t- like him. Do I?_

“Tsukki? Tsukki? Kei!”

Hearing his given name made him jump, and he felt a small pink-tinted blush rise to his cheeks. “Sorry Yams, my mind was elsewhere. What were you saying?” Kei kicked himself for ignoring Yamaguchi. Yams didn’t seem to mind however, it wasn’t unusual for Tsukki to get wrapped up in his own thoughts. 

“I was just saying I should get going. My parents want me back for dinner.” Yamaguchi’s statement was very untrue. His parents weren’t home tonight, and even if they were, they wouldn’t care enough to ensure he was home for dinner. Most nights they didn’t make him any food at all. Yamaguchi had never told Tsukki what was happening to him. He couldn’t. After he got beaten for the first time, he was given a sharp warning that if he told anyone what happened, he wouldn’t see them again.   
That warning never left Tadashi’s mind.

That night, Yamaguchi did something he hadn’t before. He went outside and sat in his garden. He looked at the sky, it was dark, the stars twinkling gently. Yamaguchi just thought. About everything.

“I don’t know why I never realised it before. It was always Kei. When I was younger I used to call him Kei-Kun, not Tsukki. I think deep down somewhere, even from the day I met him, I knew it would always be him. I admired him so much, for being more courageous than I could ever be. I remember one of the years when I was in elementary school, we went to the local theme park. The rides now aren’t all that thrilling, but as a child, I got terrified. He held me on the rollercoasters, while I was crying, and told me I would be okay. When we were in junior high, we had our first fight. I didn’t leave my bed for three days. I couldn’t handle him ignoring me, I cared about him too much for that. It was torture having him not talking to me, and now I think I know why. I think I’m in love with Kei Tsukishima. I always loved his sarcastic remarks and his incredible self-confidence. His soft blond hair, his eyes, even if they didn’t work properly. I can’t tell him though. I don’t even know if he’s into guys, let alone if he’s into me. Besides, I can’t ruin the friendship we have, I need him. But just imagine, Tsukki’s body pressed against mine in a tight hug, my hands around his waist, his hand on my cheek. We’d look into each other’s eyes and I’d go onto my tiptoes and pull him downwards and we’d just kiss. It would be perfect. Except that’s just a simple schoolboy fantasy. That would _never_ happen.” 

A hot tear fell from Yamaguchi’s face. He realised he’d just said all of that out loud, almost as if he was talking to the moon in the starry night sky. It made him feel better. Tsukki did mean moon after all.

The next thing he knew, he was gazing at the moon, and tears were pouring from his eyes. He wasn’t sobbing, just sitting silently with salty tears falling from his eyes.

_My neighbours must think I’m really bizarre._


	5. a rough night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thank you all for the support! 
> 
> CHAPTER WARNINGS:  
> This chapter contains abuse. If this may trigger you, skip from the ⚠️.

Chapter 4

The next day was rough for Yamaguchi. From the second he opened his eyes, he knew that something that day would go badly. He could hear his parents, outside his bedroom door. Just… Talking. This was how it always occurred before Tadashi got abused. They talked, then they waited for him, and then they hit.   
⚠️  
Yamaguchi looked at his phone on his bedside cabinet and checked the time. 8:10. His parents knew he arose at this time, so there would be no point in hiding in his bedroom. They would simply barge in. He stood up, still in his pyjamas, and took a slow, worried breath, attempting to mentally prepare himself for what would come next. _Here we go._ He opened his door reluctantly and slowly. His parents looked at him, and Tadashi could see the resentment in their eyes. He closed his door behind him and attempted to creep past the two angry beasts towering over him. His father put out his arm to block Tadashi’s path. Tadashi glanced at it, before coming to the sad conclusion that he would not be able to avoid this unfortunate situation.

Tadashi backed into his door. He knew what would happen next. His father lifted his humongous arm, fists clenched. 

”You. You are pathetic. Weak. You were never supposed to be here.”

His sharp words sliced through Yamaguchi’s brain, like a knife. But Yamaguchi didn’t have time to think about the words said, because before he knew it He felt a hot, burning pain on his left cheekbone and on the back of his head, one from where his father just struck him, and one from where the hit rebounded his head from the door. The pain was so astonishing, his ears began to ring. The pain itself was so terrible it came in waves, dashing the hope it had gone with every new ripple of torture. When his father hit him, he had let out a small yelp of pain, and those familiar salty tears began to fall. 

The rest was a blur. After that first devastating blow, he just felt more waves of the torture appearing everywhere, his legs, his arms, his chest. Then he felt something new. Instead of waves, he felt searing, hot pain, running in a line down his forearm. Blood trickled from his wound, dripping onto his pyjamas. He let out another heart-wrenching sob, then everything went black.   
⚠️  
When Tadashi regained consciousness, his parents were long gone. He stood up, wincing from his injuries. 

_What did I do to deserve this? I always try to be good, is it just not enough?_

Buzzing on the table, Tadashi picked up his phone. 13 missed calls. It was 14:35, too late to go to school, but he could pass that as off as a doctors appointment for his wounded arm. However, Yamaguchi knew if he wasn't at practice, then the team would know something was wrong. He walked over to his drawer and pulled out a bandage, for his slashed arm, and foundation to patch up the bruises. Once he successfully hid any damage, he got changed into his volleyball uniform and headed to practice. 

As soon as Yamaguchi set foot into the Karasuno gym, all eyes were on him. They had clearly been told by Tsukishima that he wasn’t at school that day and all looked crazily concerned. Yamaguchi couldn’t bear to think how worried they’d all be if they actually knew what happened to him.

“Guys, I’m fine, I just had a doctors appointment!” he raised his bandaged arm as he said this, and Sugawara, the captain’s boyfriend and team setter gave him an anxious look. 

Sugawara Koushi could tell what had been happening to Yamaguchi. Or, he could tell, at least that Yamaguchi had home issues. As someone who had an alcoholic father growing up, Suga knew the signs. He signalled to Yamaguchi as if to tell him to come over to him. Yamaguchi did this, and Suga noticed him walking with a slight limp on his left leg.  
_I have to help him. I wouldn't be a good person if I didn’t act upon something so serious as this._  
”Yamaguchi! Why don’t you sit this practice out?” Suga called from across the gym. Yamaguchi nodded. Suga was planning on talking to him, to see if he was okay, or if he needed any help, but before he had the chance to, Tsukishima butted in, clearly wanting to skip practice to spend time with his friend.  
“Can I, too? I’m not feeling well.” Tsukki knew fine well that he wasn’t feeling ill at all, and Suga did too, but he let it slide.   
“Sure, but make sure you’re safe walking back okay? I don’t want you getting hurt.” The two boys nodded to Suga and left the building. 

The previous night, Tsukishima had also been doing some thinking. He couldn’t shake the feeling that something was different between him and Tadashi, and as they walked back from practice he caught himself glancing into Yamaguchi’s eyes a couple of times. 

Flashback to last night.

Tsukishima Kei was lying on his bed, at three in the morning staring directly at the ceiling, with the same three songs playing on repeat. It was a thought-provoking day for Tsukishima, and he had to let that out somehow.

_I still can’t believe I did that. I- I cuddled him! I remember the previous night, where I had felt a wave of emotion I never had before, and that panicked me. I’m sure Yamaguchi was laying his head on me platonically, so I have no idea why I was so dumb as to hug him! I don’t even think that he’s gay, so the chances that he would have enjoyed the experience is low. Unless he didn’t mean it platonically. Unless…_

He sighed deeply, he couldn’t start living in a fantasy where everything is perfect for him.   
Buzzing, his phone began to ring. Who could that be at this time of night? Sugawara? His face emitting a look of utter confusion and disbelief. He denied the call, as his parents would KILL him if he were to start talking at this time of night, but began texting him instead.

Tsukishima 3:07  
What? Have you seen the time?

Sugawara 3:07  
Hey, you’re awake too. I was wondering if you’ve noticed anything… Off about Yamaguchi recently 

Tsukishima 3:08  
No, not particularly. 

Sugawara 3:09  
Ah, okay then, thanks anyway.

There was a pause in the texting for a few moments, while Tsukishima wondered if he should ask Suga about the things on his mind. After about 5 minutes, he decided to just go for it.

Tsukishima 3:15  
Suga?  
Do you mind if I ask you something?

Sugawara 3:16  
No, not at all, go ahead.

Tsukishima took a deep breath and began typing.

Tsukishima 3:18  
Is it… Is it okay if I like guys?  
I don’t want to be kicked off the team or anything like that because of it…

Sugawara 3:18  
Oh my God of course it is! Daichi and I are dating remember? And he’s the captain! We wouldn’t dream of kicking you off the team!  
Kei? You know we support you right?

Tsukishima let out his breath, which he realised he must have beeb holding. How could he forget Suga and Daichi were together? 

Tsukishima 3:19  
Thanks, Suga.

Sugawara 3:21  
If you don’t mind me asking… Did anyone, in particular, make you realise?

Tsukishima 3:22  
No.

Kei knew that that was a lie. Someone did make him realise but he wasn’t quite ready to accept that yet. It seemed surreal, the concept that he might like his childhood and current best friend. But Tsukki couldn’t deny the fact that every time he looked at Yamaguchi it made his stomach dissolve to butterflies. With that, Tsukishima closed his eyes, hugging his pillow, and began to drift off to sleep.

Sugawara, however, wasn't fooled by Kei’s lie. He saw how Tsukki looked at Yamaguchi at practice, and he saw the way he smiled when around him. Sometimes a small but still visible blush would rise to his cheeks when Tadashi said his name. Suga simply smiled.


	6. The moon and the cruel world around

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MY GOD GUYS IM SO SORRY FOR NOT POSTING YESTERDAY! IM SO SORRY :(
> 
> Chapter warnings:  
> Swearing (f)  
> Mentions of homophobia   
> Mentions of abuse  
> A lot of emotion  
> Panic attacks

The moon soon got used to watching Yamaguchi, confessing in his backyard. He had been there, every night without fail for the past week. His parents recently started having their wars on the third floor of the house, meaning Yamaguchi had all of the downstairs and garden to do what he wanted, meaning sitting in the garden and sobbing his heart out to the universe.

But tonight would be different. 

That day, after returning from extra practice, he walked into his home to the usual harsh, fierce voices, distant but still there. His parents were clearly at each other’s throats upstairs again, as they had been on most days for the past week. He let out a small whimper as he heard something shatter, but proceeded to walk outside. He looked up at the sky, which was just turning dark. It was only 5:30 pm, but autumn’s early sunsets were just coming into effect. It was a cold night, with a brisk breeze, but Yamaguchi didn’t care anymore. 

Yamaguchi broke down his barriers.

Sobs began to echo into the night, the faded sounds of owls and cars drowned out by his wails and his parents’ violent voices. All his life, Tadashi had been told to hide his emotions, that expressing himself made him weak, that crying made him pathetic and unworthy of love. This led to everything, all his feelings, his doubts, his worries, his joy, his anger, being bottled up inside of him. But now he let it all out.

”Why me? Why did you make this happen to me? All my life, I’ve tried to get over this but I can’t. It’s too GOD DAMN PAINFUL!!! Why couldn’t I have parents who loved me, who supported me, who would ACCEPT me? Why do they hurt me? Am I not good enough? No! I WILL NOT SEEK VALIDATION FROM YOU! You don’t DESERVE it! I have been nothing but good to you, and I know you don’t want me, but YOU and ONLY YOU are the people who decided to keep me. Sometimes I just-”

Yamaguchi stopped for a moment, whilst shaking heavily. He knew what he needed to say. That he wished he were dead too. He let out another pained whimper and fell to his knees, more waves of tears pouring from his eyes.

”Who gave you the right to make me feel like this? WHO? CAUSE IT SURE AS FUCK WASN’T ME! YOU WILL NOT BE IN CONTROL OF ME ANYMORE! I AM IN CONTROL NOW! ITS MY LIFE, MY BODY, MY FEELINGS AND I WILL NOT LET YOU TAKE THEM AWAY FROM ME ANYMORE! I LOVE HIM OKAY?! I LOVE HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD, AND YOU CAN DO FUCK ALL TO STOP ME! OKAY? I WILL LOVE HIM NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO TO ME, I LOVE HIM, I LOVE HIM, I LOVE HIM!”

Tadashi began to sob again, and he let out a loud scream, his hands clutched to his head. He had never been able to express his anger before, meaning that this whole experience was incredibly overwhelming for the small boy. He had never let all his barriers down like this, not ever. 

He now began to whisper, as he had lost all strength left to yell.

”I love him. His hair that smells of the light scent of fresh laundry, how big his eyes are when he’s not wearing his glasses. How he always acts so tough to people when actually he is a huge softie to me. How he usually sleeps in the foetal position like a baby, but still manages to hug me when I need it. How he has never let me down. How he is so tall, but always seems equal to me. How he hides the fact that he loves dinosaurs, but never has from me. How he has never, in all my years of being his friend, argued with me for more than a week. How he never failed to be there for me, even if he had no idea what was going on. I just really wish I had a chance with him. Why must the universe be so cruel as to make me fall in love with a straight boy? Or at least… I think he’s straight… He’s never showed any interest in guys, but come to think of it he hasn’t with girls either… Hm. I think I’ll have to tell him though. I would give anything to be his, to go on cute little dates, to hold him, to kiss him. I really do love him.”

A small contented smile crept across Yamaguchi’s face, however, the tears were still falling consistently. His shirt was now soaked with his tears, and he realized he was painfully cold, shivering as the wind blew, emphasising his icy temperature. He didn’t even care anymore. 

”YOU MADE ME LIKE THIS! LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME! I LOVE HIM, AND I DON’T GIVE A _FUCK_ WHAT YOU THINK OF THAT! I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU! I KNOW YOU HATE ME TOO, BUT YOU CAN’T CONTROL ME ANYMORE! I LOVE HIM. I love him.” _I love him._

Tadashi stopped. Something was wrong. 

The upstairs light was off. Everything was silent.

_Oh my God. They- they heard that. All of it. They heard me say I hated them, they heard me swear. They heard me say I love him. HIM. They probably saw me crying too. Well done Tadashi, you really fucked up this time. My phone… Where is it? I need to call someone, get out of here, something. I left it in the living room. WHY DID YOU LEAVE IT IN THE LIVING ROOM?_

A deep breath was taken, then his face scrunched. He was praying, begging that the people he was supposed to call mom and dad weren’t standing behind him. He knew what would happen if they were. He took another deep, shaky breath, then closed his eyes and stood up. 

_please, please please don’t be standing behind me. Please._

_It will hurt._


	7. danger danger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! i’m sorry for posting this so late! ahhh! also this chapter is very ✨angsty✨ 
> 
> CHAPTER WARNING:  
> abuse, mentions of a knife, swearing, symptoms of panic attacks.

Chapter 6

“Him? You are _g- gay_?!”

Yamaguchi opened his eyes. His tear-stained face began to crumble as he saw them. Both of his “Parents” were standing behind him, with looks of utter revulsion on their faces. Yamaguchi flinched as his father had said that, spitting the word “gay” out as if it were criminal to say. 

”I didn’t raise my son to be one of _those_. Now get out of my house. Don't you dare set foot here again. That’s for thinking you are. You don’t want to see what will happen if you were telling the truth.”

Yamaguchi looked at his father, his fury slowly bubbling over. Although Yams was technically old enough to move out, he didn’t have enough financial stability for it, else he would have left a long, long time ago. 

_Oh fuck it. I’m not welcome back anyway._

“You are right. You didn’t raise me to be gay. That’s because you didn’t raise me at all. I’m sorry for letting you down.” 

_DID I ACTUALLY JUST SAY THAT?! OH MY GOD, I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE. QUICKLY._

Tadashi began to bolt out of his yard, receiving a sharp strike to the face as he did so. As he ran, he hastily jumped into the living room, to grab his phone, but that left enough time for his father to catch up to him. 

His father pinned him against the table, face forwards against the oak. He felt a cold line run down his neck, and even before he realised what it was his adrenaline kicked in. He pushed his father as hard as he could with the heel of his foot, and slid his head off of the table, catching a glimpse of the knife that had just fallen to the ground. He fled for his life, his phone clutched into his palm, slamming his front door behind him.

_Where do I go? What do I do? Suga’s? No, I don’t know his address. I’m going to have to stay with Tsukki. Oh God, I can’t tell him the truth. Not like this. Maybe I could just say they read my diary? I guess it would make sense, and it’s believable. That’s it. That’s what I shall tell him._

Stopping at a nearby bench, at his local park, Yamaguchi phoned Tsukki, his hand trembling as if there were an earthquake. The repetitiveness of the dialling tone of the mobile provided relief for Yamaguchi, though he still felt as if he was dying. His throat was still tight, and his breaths were still uncontrollable and sporadic. 

”T-Tsukki? A-are you t-there?” His voice was broken, a telltale sign of his tears and suffering. 

”Woah Woah Woah, what do you want?” realising a little too late that Yamaguchi was crying, Tsukki followed with ”Hey. Do you want me to come to get you?”   
_Why is he crying like that? I can’t stand to hear him in that much pain, whoever did this to him is dead by tomorrow. Even if he says no, I’m going to get him, he needs someone right now, clearly._

”I’m at the park.” Tsukishima’s heart dropped. He could hear on the other end of the line how Yamaguchi began to break once again, letting out wails of emotion, and gasping for whatever air he could gather. 

”Y-Yamaguchi? Don’t hang up, I’m on my way okay?”

Not five minutes later, a bike turned the corner, the rubber tyres screeching against the floor as Tsukishima braked so harshly. His golden-brown eyes swiftly scanned around for Tadashi, before discovering him on the ground nearby. The bicycle clattered on the floor as it left Tsukki’s hands, as he started sprinting towards Yams. Shock was spread across his face, which was probably the feeling that made him clutch him into a tight hug.

”I’m sorry Tsukki, I shouldn’t have made you come here. I’m sorry.”

”Don’t be sorry. What- What happened Tadashi?”

Yamaguchi began shaking, whilst Tsukki attempted to stabilise him. Yamaguchi wanted to tell Tsukki everything. All about the moon break down, how they heard him say he loved him, how they abused him. But Yamaguchi just couldn’t bring himself to chance ruining the only stable thing in his life right now. Whispering, Yamaguchi responded, “They know. They found out. They don’t love me.” 

“Yams, you aren’t making any sense, _who_ found out _what_ and _why_ don’t they love you?” _Who couldn’t love Yamaguchi?_

“My parents found out that I like guys.” _That I like YOU._

 _WAIT! I HADN’T TOLD HIM YET! WHAT IF TSUKKI IS HOMOPHOBIC TOO?_ Yamaguchi’s breaths became irregular and raspy again, as he was gasping for oxygen. “Is- Is that- okay with you?”

“WH-WHAT, OF COURSE, THAT’S OKAY!” _AND I AM TOO!_  
Was what Tsukki wanted to say, but couldn’t, it wasn’t the right time. _Have I really been such a bad person that he thought I wouldn’t support him? Of course, there was no way he would know that I am too, but why would he ever think I wouldn’t support him? Am I that bad of a friend?_

“i- thank you. Can- can I stay at your place? They- um- kind of kicked me out…” Yamaguchi said, trailing off at the end of his sentence. 

Kei Tsukishima never felt so furious in his life. He wanted to punch them, he wanted to KILL them. But he knew he had to stay calm, as to not cause Yams anymore panic. 

“Sure. Is it okay if I tell my parents what happened? I think they need to know,” Tsukki said.

Yamaguchi thought for a moment then shook his head slightly, worried that they wouldn’t support him either, and stood himself up, slowly beginning to compose himself. He pulled his sleeve down so it covered his hand, then used it to wipe his eyes. It was a huge relief for him that Tsukki didn’t mind that he was gay, as he was getting extremely uneasy over the possibility of losing him. He loved Tsukishima after all. Yamaguchi let out a small sigh, remembering yet again that Tsukki would never be his. It couldn’t be helped.

“Let’s go. My parents are worried sick about you.” Tsukki was worried sick about Yams too, it was like literal torture having to watch Yamaguchi sob in that much pain. Tsukishima knew what it was like to feel alone like that, but alas, he never was good with handing his _own_ emotions, let alone someone else’s.

The pair began to walk away, with Tsukishima trailing his bike behind him, with it often bumping into lamp posts and such, as Tsukishima’s mind was focusing on something different. 

_Why was he so hesitant to come out to me? Have I got that much internalised homophobia that it was coming off as just general homophobia? At least I know that he will accept me when I do tell him, and that’s certainly a relief. I don’t think I could bear it if he didn't._

These thoughts darted around Tsukishima’s brain for a little, before they reached the front door of the Tsukishima residence. As Tsukishima’s hand pushed the large wooden door forwards, he looked at Yamaguchi, and said under his breath:

”Welcome home.”


	8. something new. something unexpected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHH THANK YOU ALL DO MUCH FOR SO MANY KUDOS AND HITS! IM SO HAPPY THANK YOU ALL! I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH AGHH!
> 
> CHAPTER WARNINGS:  
> small mentions of panic attacks, small mention of depressive symptoms 
> 
> also, i’m so sorry for not posting yesterday :( and can you guys let me know if you think my Tsukki is canon enough? i feel like he’s a little off and i need help haha :)

“Kei? Is he okay?” It was Tsukishima’s mother, who had clearly been worried senseless about Yamaguchi, who was virtually her third son at this point, as Yamaguchi had spent so much time with them. Her voice was panicked, and she was clearly terrified something serious had happened. It had, of course, but Kei couldn’t tell her that, not against Yamaguchi’s wishes.

”Yes mother, I brought him here for the night. Is that okay?”

”Sure honey, tell him I said hi!” 

Kei looked at his friend, then whispered into his ear, ”My mom says hi, ” and began to chuckle. Yamaguchi giggled through his tears, something that only Tsukki could compel him to do, and began to shuffle upstairs towards Kei’s room. Tsukki didn’t follow, and Yamaguchi turned around in confusion. 

“I think I should go and tell my parents that you need to stay for quite a while. They kind of need to know that much.” Yamaguchi nodded his head in agreement. “You can come if you’d like, but if not just head on up without me. I’ll be up in a sec okay?” 

Yamaguchi thought about this for a moment and wondered what to say, before nervously mumbling, ”Tsukki? W-would you mind telling them they just had to go attend to a sick relative? I d-don’t really want them knowing that I’m- y-you know.”

To tell the truth, Yamaguchi didn’t mind them knowing, he was more anxious that they would separate the two of them at night. Tadashi knew he often suffered from nocturnal panic attacks (this had been an ongoing problem for a while now) and having someone there when he was experiencing one would be extremely helpful and comforting for him. Particularly if that person was Tsukki. Tsukishima however, didn’t know all of this, so Yamaguchi had to find an excuse, and that was it. Tsukki hadn’t seen one of Yama’s panic attacks properly before, as Yamaguchi had never really let him. He didn’t want to make Tsukki uncomfortable or make him have to handle it, and if that meant surprising his emotions, then that's what Yama would do. But after tonight, after all those tears, it didn’t matter to Yamaguchi any more. All that mattered was him and Tsukki.

”Sure Yama, that’s fine.”

It was a few minutes before Tsukki met Yamaguchi in his room, and during this time, Yamaguchi had begun to weep once more, as the events of the night played on a loop in his mind. His limp body was lying on Kei’s bed, his tears falling onto his pillow, leaving small soaked patches. This had been Yamaguchi’s worst day. Worse than the time his parents first struck him, worse than the time when his mother got knocked out, worse than the time where Yams had to run to Tsukki for safety. Although he hadn’t been as beaten as he had been in the past, his overwhelming wash of emotions he’d had that day had proven that sometimes it can be your own feelings that obliterate your being. Life was like that sometimes, like when the days seem to be greyer than usual, and you almost can’t feel a thing. All colour seemed to be gone, all interest for things destroyed. But the moment your senses come back to you is the moment your world gets engulfed in sadness, your walls broken down, and the moment you just want to stop existing. The second that happens, the split second, you can do nothing but apologise for being there. Apologise for being alive.

”K-Kei I’m so sorry f-for this.” 

”Hey, shhh, don’t apologise. What can I do to help? I don’t know how to help you Yama, ” Tsukki had said this in a sweet voice, a voice that was scarcely used, a voice that had only ever been employed when talking with Yamaguchi. Tsukki was almost crying himself at seeing Yams in that much pain all in one day. All those feelings, of rage, depression, anxiety, were too much for anyone to handle, and Yamaguchi’s mental health was already fragile as it is.

”Just hold me. Tell me I will be okay. Tell me that you care.”

Yamaguchi knew this was improbable, as Tsukki had only ever done this once, and that was when he was confident Yamaguchi was sleeping, but nonetheless, he hoped. He hoped that Tsukki would do that more often. He hoped that Tsukki cared. He hoped that Tsukki would love him one day. He hoped that Tsukki would never have to go through what he had to. That’s what it means to love someone. To feel so connected with them that your life seems ethereal in their presence, that you would never want anything unpleasant to happen to them, no matter what. But what happened next took Tadashi’s breath away. Kei actually did what Yama had asked for.

Tsukki sat down next to Yamaguchi, the familiar feeling of his silk bedding beneath him. Gently, he pulled Yamaguchi’s limp body up so that he was laying in his lap, with his small freckled face pressed up against his chest. Kei felt another tear fall and then drip down onto his shirt, the small droplet causing so much pain. Tsukki could feel the slight rising and falling of Yama’s chest as he breathed, even though his breathing was far from regular at this moment in time. Tsukki slowly wrapped his long arms around Tadashi, with one hand moving to cup Yamaguchi’s cheek, to help wipe away any tears that may have fallen. Tsukki soon began to rock the boy slightly, left to right, left to right, and Yamaguchi's arms now began to clutch Tsukki like a koala bear. Kei loved when Yamaguchi did this, though that would be far to mortifying for him to admit. He wanted to feel the warmth of Yamaguchi pressed up against him every night, he wanted to feel so _whole_ like this again.

”You're going to be okay Tadashi. I promise. I really care about you, more than I could ever put into words. You know that right? I am here for you.”

Kei Tsukishima had no idea how much those simple words meant to Tadashi. Hearing that, all of that, coming from Tsukki, the most un-sappy, un-emotional person Yama had ever met, was like hearing a priest say ”Oh my God!”. It just didn’t happen. Yamaguchi felt a hot blush creep onto his face, which he kicked himself for, and tried not to panic. _Tsukki is here now. Holding me. Telling me I will be alright. I love him so much, I could literally explode into a million trillion pieces._

Tsukki was so contented laying there, with his friend on his chest, his arms around his waist, the subtle scent of strawberries that he’d only smelt once before on the tip of his nose. The soft black hair tickling his face, the small lock of hair that Tsukki loved sticking up as usual. Everything was perfect. Everything, everywhere, was simply perfect at that moment. 

That night, Yamaguchi fell asleep to the soft beating of Kei’s heart beneath his head. 

”I love you.”


	9. Acceptance is uncommon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WAIT OH MY GOD THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR 400 HITS YOU GUYS HAVE DOUBLED MY GOAL I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH AHHHHH!
> 
> CHAPTER WARNINGS:  
> Homophobia (f-slur)  
> Bullying  
> Mentions of anxiety
> 
> Thought I'd post a little early today as to all the recent support, and also I didn't feel comfortable writing the actual f-slur (even tho I can use it as I'm lgbt) so I just left it as f-slur :)
> 
> I really hope you guys enjoy! Also no one answered my question last chapter... Do y'all think my Tsukki is canon enough?

The two boys awoke the next morning, still in the same position as when they fell asleep. It was Yamaguchi who woke up first, his arms and legs still wrapped full-circle around Tsukki, his head resting just beneath the other boy’s, the subtle weight of Tsukki’s chin pressing against his hair. Yamaguchi loved feeling like this, all floaty and warm, but it had its consequences. Yamaguchi constantly felt as if he was manipulating Tsukki into doing things like this, even though Tsukki often initiated it. Obviously, this wasn’t true, but it's natural for him to think that, particularly when he is convinced the relationship between him and Tsukishima was purely platonic. It was torture to Yamaguchi knowing that he could never be with Tsukki, and Tsukki could never be his… Could he?

_What the?! What is that?!_

A loud high pitched beeping snapped Yamaguchi out of his peace, and startled him a little, causing him to flinch ever so slightly. That flinch (and the obnoxious beeping) slowly awoke Tsukishima, who opened his eyes groggily and shuffled into a better position. He looked down towards Yama, his vision still blurry without his glasses, and smiled. He really did love Yamaguchi. 

”I need to get that. It’s annoying.” Tsukki said with a small chuckle on his tongue.

Yamaguchi unravelled his limbs from around Tsukki reluctantly and snuggled back down into the bedsheets, where it was nice and warm. Tsukishima, now free from Yamaguchi’s koala cuddle, got up and shut off his alarm, which showed that it was 7:50 am. 

“Yamaguchi? I know it’s warm but we need to get to school, you need to get up!” 

Tadashi’s had never been a morning person, he’d always much preferred to stay up late, and then have a morning snooze, but obviously, that couldn't happen on weekdays. He mumbled something resembling a no, then nuzzled back into the covers once more. Tsukki laughed a little at this and felt a small blush rise to his face, which he covered with his hand. 

”Tadashi. Get up or I will drag you out of the bed, I swear I will.”

Yamaguchi shook his head, and said, with a small smirk, “I guess you will have to drag me off then.” 

So Tsukishima lifted up the duvet, grabbed Yama’s ankles and pulled him off of the bed, true to his word. This resulted with the two of them laughing together on Tsukki’s floor, each with a slow blush rising to their cheeks. Tadashi wanted to kiss Tsukki so badly there, and his eyes dropped towards Tsukishima’s lips. _I could just…_ Yama stopped himself. He knew he couldn’t risk their friendship, not after he’s living with him, and certainly not on a regular Wednesday morning. He sighed, and stood himself up, then sat back down again. 

“T-tsukki? Do you have any uniform I could borrow? I- I didn’t have a chance to wash mine or grab my second set…” 

“it’s going to be massive on you, but sure. The second drawer on the left.”

It certainly was massive on Yams. The legs were far too long and so were the arms, forcing him to cuff them almost 4 times. Yams could smell Tsukki all over the clothes, making his stomach dissolve into butterflies and his heart to be beating much faster than it was supposed to be. He loved it. This however didn't take away Yamaguchi’s constant anxiety however, something that he had suffered from since he was very young. Tadashi always felt a little on edge, the constant dread of returning home overwhelming him at times. Although he no longer had to go home and experience all that pain, it had been drilled into him at this point, meaning he never felt fully _safe_. Not mention, the events of the previous evening, and how his father pulled a knife on him. He had barely managed to escape, and that was just for THINKING he was gay. Imagine what they would have done if they knew he WAS gay?! It haunted him. He tried not to think about it, tried to distance himself from the thoughts throughout the school day. 

Maths, first period: Just about managed to Distract himself enough to forget.

Geography, second period: Almost started crying partway through, but then Tsukki started talking via hand signals under the table, which helped him to relax.

Break: He didn’t have anywhere near enough time to think about it all, there was THAT much to think.

Chemistry, third period: He Had to go outside because of a fire drill, which heightened his anxious temperament even more than it was already. Tsukki later helped him to calm down, however.

Yamaguchi was lucky today was only a half-day, as the teachers were doing their training that afternoon, or less he was convinced he would have broken down by the fifth period. As he was heading to Tsukki’s place (his place too now) after school, with Kei by his side, as usual, there was an odd silence between the two of them. Yamaguchi made the decision that he was going to try to lighten the mood, even though he knew it was his mood that needed help, not Tsukishima’s. 

”Sooooo… how was maths? I know you are that teachers favourite!”

”Shut up Yamaguchi.”

”Oh… um… Sorry, Tsukki.”

That. That was odd. Usually, Tsukki’s ”Shut up Yamaguchi” was his way of joking around, but today he was genuine, and Yams could see that. It… It hurt. To have someone you love tell you to shut up and mean it is something no one wishes to experience. Through his life, Yamaguchi had been told to shut up enough times by his ”parents” which is probably why it hurt him so much to have Tsukki say it. The rest of the walk was in awkward silence, the two occasionally meeting eyes. 

However, what Yamaguchi didn’t know is that the only reason Tsukki reacted like that to his question was that Tsukki himself had had a very rough day. Kei was certainly not known for his emotion, in fact, he was known for his lack of it. Despite this, Tsukki often found himself overthinking the things that people say about him, and he often let them get to him. Just because someone doesn’t show their emotions well doesn’t mean they don’t feel. 

Flashback to earlier that day:  
 __

_”Did you hear about Yamaguchi? You know, the tall one’s friend?”_

_What an unfortunate conversation for Tsukki to stumble upon. He opened the door to the boy’s bathroom, to eavesdrop, and pretend to wash his hands, as it would appear the two boys were in the stalls._

_”No? What happened? Was he CRYING again? It’s just pathetic at this point, he really needs to get a grip.”_

_The boy was MOCKING Yamaguchi. MOCKING HIM. Kei was furious, his rage about to bubble over the brim. He tried to compose himself a little, failing miserably._

_”Yes… But that’s not the worst of it. My friend saw him in the park last night, practically cuddling that Tsukishima guy. Look…”_

_Tsukishima’s eyes widened. Someone had seen them?! His mind thought back to the previous night. He hadn’t seen anyone nearby, but it was dark after all, so he guessed a person wouldn’t be hard to miss. He heard the typing of a keyboard on a mobile phone. They hadn’t…_

_”Here, a picture! It’s a little blurry, but look at them! I always knew the two of them were (f-slur)! It’s disgusting!”_

_How dare they… HOW DARE THEY! Tsukishima’s anger overflowed, spilling out of his mouth._

_”HEY! You say that again about my friend and I. I. Dare. You.”_

_The stall door swung open, a smug sense of amusement on the boys’ faces. This made Tsukki even more irritated and irrational, and what they said next certainly didn’t help._

_”Ooh look, it’s Mr Gayboy getting all defensive of his little boyfriend! We better go, don’t want to catch anything!”_

_Tsukishima lunged forwards at them but got pulled back by someone holding his collar. It was Yamaguchi, standing behind him, looking extremely concerned. By now the two boys had left, and Yamaguchi looked at Tsukki curiously._

_”Tsukki? What… What were you doing?”_

_Tsukki shook his head, indicating that he didn’t want to talk about it, and began to walk home. That’s where all the silence had begun._

Those events had been replaying through his mind ever since.

_If that rumour got around… if that PHOTO got around… imagine how much damage that would cause Yamaguchi. He was already in a bad place, but having to face unacceptance at school too? I think it might break him. He has had his fair share of experience with bullying, but I was always the one to save him. But I don’t think I can save him this time. He needs to never find out. I need to protect him._


	10. Pain is love’s enemy and friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR 500 HITS AHHH!
> 
> CHAPTER WARNINGS:  
> Skip this chapter completely if any of this bothers you:  
> Self harm  
> Blood  
> Panic attacks  
> Anxiety  
> Deppressive symptoms

_Tsukki hates me. My best friend, the love of my life. And he hates me. I haven’t done anything wrong? Unless he finally realised he is too good for me. I’m just the silly little kid he saved from the bullies. Why should I get to be his friend? I’m so weak compared to him, and I can’t even be good enough to be a regular on the volleyball team. I’m just so pathetic. Even the girls that talk to me (not that I’m interested) just use me to talk to Tsukki. How dumb was I to EVER think he might love me?! To think he could be mine one day? I guess it’s all just a dumb schoolboy fantasy filled with lies and torture and pure hatred. Why am I never good enough? Maybe my dad was right, maybe the world would be better without me? Maybe I should just die, leave everything._

Blood dripped onto the bathroom floor, mixing with Yamaguchi’s tears. The small razor blade in his hand was covered in the red liquid, as well as the entirety of his stomach, with more pouring out from slashes he created. This wasn’t the first time this whole thing had happened, and Yamaguchi doubted it would be the last. 

_I deserve this. I deserve the pain. It’s my fault Tsukki hates me. And know he probably hates me for being gay too, maybe he was just lying to me when he said it was okay. What would he say if he saw me doing this? He would hate me even more, he might even start to despise me. What if he thinks I’m just a sad pathetic little loser? What if he will never hug me again? I’m just some weak, ugly, (f-slur) with no friends left, my parents never loved me and never will. Why me? Why am I here? Why-_

There was a knock on the door, a knock that he recognised. On the other side of that door was Tsukishima, worried sick about his friend who had now been ”using the restroom” for 35 minutes during their nightly study session.

”Yamaguchi? Are you okay?”

Yamaguchi began to panic. A towel. He needed a towel. His hands aimlessly fumbled around trying to find something, as his eyes were still too blurry from his tears to see. His breaths were rapid now, and his throat tightened. He couldn’t breathe. 

Having no response, Tsukki began to worry, and he could now hear Yamaguchi’s frantic breaths. He pushed the bathroom door. It opened.

Still gasping for air, Yamaguchi heard the latch of the door click open. It was too late to hide it. 

Tsukishima ran to his friend, just as Yamaguchi collapsed into his arms. ”Oh my God.” Tsukki whispered, in utter shock. A tear fell from Tsukki’s eye, and he picked up his friend gently and walked to their room. He lay Yamaguchi’s limp body down onto his bed and planted a small kiss on his forehead. Yamaguchi opened his eyes, to find himself in Tsukki’s lap, with a towel slowly cleaning his cuts. He was stilling sobbing, as was Tsukki. 

“i- I- I’m so- sorry Tsu- Tsukki…”

The moment Yamaguchi said this he broke down again and began hyperventilating. 

”Shhhh. It’s going to be okay, Yams. I promise. Breathe, okay? Shhh.”

Yamaguchi looked up at Kei and began to try and sync their breathing together. It took a little while, but eventually, they were breathing together, synchronised. Kei could still feel Tadashi shaking in his grip, but he knew that Yams was well enough to handle him moving. 

”Yamaguchi, stay calm. I’m going to get some bandages and antiseptic okay? Stay nice and still for me okay?”

Yamaguchi moved his head slightly, just enough to become a nod, and Tsukki slid out from beneath him. He quickly got the first aid kit from the bathroom, where there was still blood covering the floor, and headed back into the bedroom. He placed the kit beside his friend, and tenderly rubbed away some of the new blood. 

”This might sting a little, but carry on synchronising our breathing okay? You’re going to be okay.”

As Tsukishima opened the first of many antiseptic wipes, he planted another small kiss on Yamaguchi’s forehead, distracting him from the stinging sensation of the wipe. Of course, Yamaguchi could still feel the pain, but Kei’s tactic worked well, and it proved a good distraction. 

Once Yamaguchi had got all cleaned up and bandaged, and back to full consciousness, he asked Tsukki a question. 

”W-what happened? I- I don’t remember…”

”You went to the bathroom during our study session, but you took a while so I went to check in on you. I- um- I found you having a panic attack on the floor… And- you had a blade and there was a lot of blood everywhere… I-”

Tsukishima trailed off at the end. It was even painful for him to remember. However, he couldn’t help wondering why Yamaguchi never told him about these panic attacks. Tsukki had had one once. When his grandmother fell down the stairs and had to go to the hospital. He was only 14, and it was incredibly painful, both mentally and physically. Even Tsukishima could see that Yamaguchi’s attack was considerably worse than his back then, and seeing all of the scars on Yamaguchi’s stomach told him that this definitely wasn’t the first time this had happened. 

”D-do you like me a-any less? I- I am really sorry, K-Kei.”

“God no, Yama, of course not I lo-” Tsukishima stopped himself from saying that. Now would be a really bad time to say that. ”You're my best friend. I care about you. And um… I’m really sort for earlier.”

Tsukishima looked into Yamaguchi’s soft, hazel eyes. Yamaguchi shifted upwards, so he was now leaning against the headboard, his stomach pain not as bad anymore. He gazed back into Tsukki’s eyes, before breaking contact to say something he never dreamt of saying before.

”Tsukki, I really need your help. I- I want this to not happen… I don’t want to be broken like this. I’m pretty sure there is something wrong with- with my head. It just feels… A little foggy I guess. A little gloomy. Maybe more than a little. And- and some days I feel terrified, for no reason, I can almost feel when one of… these… is about to come on. And- and then I start to shake, and t-then I can’t breathe and…”

“Tadashi Yamaguchi. There is nothing _wrong_ with you… You’re just… A little different. I promise I will help you. I promise Tadashi.”

Yamaguchi's face said a silent thank you, and then Yamaguchi continued.

“I get them at night sometimes too. I- I just wake up, sweating and shaking… Tsukki it’s terrifying.”

Tsukki pulled Yamaguchi into another gentle hug, his arms wrapping around Yamaguchi’s waist, however avoiding his cuts. ”I will always protect you.” Hearing those softly whispered words in Yamaguchi’s ears made him so, so happy. Well, as happy as he could be considering the recent events. He nuzzled his nose into the crook of Kei’s neck, and the two fell asleep like that, for the second time in two days.

_I guess Tsukki doesn’t hate me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment if you are actually reading this far! And if you wouldn't mind, I would really appreciate a kudos! This chapter was a little heavy, so apologies for that, but I hope you enjoyed nonetheless!


	11. Sometimes people discover things they weren't supposed to

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO OMG IM SO SORRY FOR NOT POSTING YESTERDAY! MY SCHEDULE IS REALLY OFF ATM SO I NEED TO CATCH UP A LITTLE! 
> 
> CHAPTER WARNINGS:  
> Mentions of abuse  
> Mentions of homphobia

The next day, Tsukishima convinced Yamaguchi that it would be better for him to sit practice out after the night’s ordeal. Yamaguchi strongly disagreed, as he had done practice plenty of times after one of his attacks, so it wasn’t that big of a deal for him. However Tsukki would clearly be worried sick if he didn’t, so he just went along with it, and sat down next to Yachi on the bench. He explained that ”he was feeling a little under the weather” and that he would prefer to sit out, and just take notes. Both Ukai and Daichi agreed that this was fine, and the practice went on.

”Good job Tsukki!” _He’s so perfect._

”Shut up Yamaguchi!” 

Chuckling, Yama said, ”Sorry Tsukki!”

Tsukishima was a truly incredible blocker, he could read most spikes like a book, and adjust his timing and spacing accordingly. It was mesmerising to watch, the way he could control the ball with a slight tilt to his hand. You could send the ball flying back towards the spikers, you could shoot it upwards in a one-touch, or much more. Yamaguchi knew how satisfyingly stingy it was to have the ball’s impact on your palm, and that was only from his float serves. He couldn’t even imagine how incredible it must feel to stop such a powerful spiker such as Hinata. That little ball of energy certainly had a lot of strength in him, so some of his particularly strong spikes might even hurt. That wouldn’t be so pleasant.

”Nice kill!”

Yamaguchi grinned at the look on Hinata’s face as Kageyama, the team's setter, used a setter dump while the small spiker was mid-air expecting a set. 

”You could’ve at least gave me some kind of hint!” Tsukki and Yamaguchi shared a small giggle, whilst Hinata looked heartbroken. It was only a ball.

Of course, a hint would remove the whole point of a setter dump, a special, rarely used attack that functions purely from surprise, and Kageyama pointed this out. All this resulted in was a small fight between the two, something that wasn’t uncommon for them to be honest. They were practically at each other’s throats at least once a day. The rest of the team watched in amusement, as Daichi tried his best to pull them apart. 

”Yamaguchi? Would you mind coming with me to the club room for a little?” 

It was Sugawara asking this, and oddly, with quite a concerned look on his face. Yamaguchi, who was confused as to why Suga looked so worried, quickly nodded and followed him back to the club room. 

Yamaguchi talked to Suga often, mainly when he was on the bench, and they got along pretty well, but this had been their first conversation with just the two of them. It was a little odd really, that Suga would choose to do it in the middle of practice too, which only made Yams even more worried. 

Once they were in the club room, which was even messier than usual thanks to Tanaka and Noya deciding to do a cartwheel competition, Suga sat down and patted his hand next to him, to indicate for Yamaguchi to sit too. He did so, and Suga looked at him before saying something rather unexpected. 

”I know why you really got kicked out.”

Yamaguchi had told the team a few days ago why he had got kicked out (well the cover story) and they all supported him, and all looked as if they believe the story. This was not the case for Suga. He had noticed Yamaguchi was ”off” weeks before that, so he could tell pretty easily that Yamaguchi’s story was fake. He began to investigate, as he was known as the mom of the team for a reason, but alas, didn’t find anything. However, he then thought back to a couple of nights back when he was staying with his grandparents for the night. That evening he could hear some loud, almost sad shouting coming from a few houses down, however, could only make out a few of the words said. ”I LOVE HIM.” 

At that point, there was not enough evidence to confront Yamaguchi about it, and if what he thought was happening was ACTUALLY happening, then confronting Yams too early would force him into a worse state of mental health, which Suga really didn’t wish to be the cause of. But today, he had been shown a photo, a photo from that same night he had heard the shouting, and the night that Yamaguchi got thrown out of the house. It was the photo of Yams and Tsukki. The rumour and photo had spread like wildfire that day, and it was a wonder that the only thing Yamaguchi got that day was some sneery looks. Nevertheless, this photograph was the final missing puzzle piece for Sugawara. He had figured the situation out… Well… Most of it.

”I heard you. That night. I was staying at my Grandmother’s and I heard you… shouting. I didn’t recognise your voice, but then I saw the photo and put two and two together… and then the bruises you had now and again, and how you passed them off as just accidents, but… I don’t think they were accidents, were they?”

Yamaguchi looked at his friend, mouth gaping and eyes wide, and Suga could see tears fill them. His mouth closed, then opened again, as if trying to find the words to say, and then his eyebrows furrowed.

“S-Suga… What p-photo…?”

At this moment, Suga realised that somehow, Yamaguchi hadn’t heard about, nor seen, the photo of himself and Tsukki that night. Suga winced as he realised just how much worse he had made this whole situation. He had no idea how to answer Yama’s question, without causing any extra pain that is. 

“There has been a photo of you and Tsukishima… hugging going around. It was taken on the night you got kicked out and… you were crying.”

_Oh my god. Why didn’t people tell me? Was that why they all looked at me when I walked past? How did Tsukki not know? I bet he did! Was that why he was about to hit that guy yesterday… more importantly, what does Tsukki THINK?_

“Oh. Okay.” He faked a smile. He looked at Suga, and began to sob, his small faux smile deteriorating. Suga held out his arms and hugged Yamaguchi, who was now trying to hide the fact he was crying as best he could. Suga had heard him. That was an undeniable fact. Suga knows that he likes Tsukki. Also fact. The whole school has probably seen that photo. Another fact. Suga knows his parents abused him. Possibly not a fact?

“I’ve been in the same boat Tadashi. My dad, he used to… you know. But it will get better. I promise Tadashi, it will get better.”

So it was a fact after all. Suga did know about them. Yamaguchi nodded a little, still wailing endlessly. 

”Hey. Shhhh. I know it’s hard being gay in this school. Take that from me. But both me and Daichi will always support you okay?” Sugar pushed Yamaguchi forwards so he was facing him, and held him out with his arms, and looked him dead in the eyes. ”Yamaguchi. We love you okay?”

Yamaguchi let out another sob and hugged Suga once more, whose jacket was now soaked in tears. 

”And about Tsukki. You need to tell him. Everything. He needs to know Tadashi. He deserves to know.”

”I know.”

”You do know he is gay too, right? Or were you not at that practice…”

Yamaguchi stopped crying. Although he was still a little mad at Tsukki for not telling him, he was still crazily happy. His heart was beating so fast he was convinced it was about to jump out of his chest. He opened his mouth, then closed it again for the second time that day, and his eyes opened a little wider. He knew he shouldn’t think he had a chance now just because his friend was gay. But he couldn’t help thinking that it does mean he has a chance. It means he isn’t completely off the table.

”What?”

”I guess you weren’t at that practice then… He came out to us all as bi…”

”I-”

Before Yamaguchi could even start his sentence, Suga interrupted him. 

”Tell him Yamaguchi. You need to TELL HIM.”

”I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please leave a comment or kudos if you can, they mean a lot to me! And if anyone is interested in helping me to do some editing, or proof reading then please let me know in the comments, or on my Instagram: jesss.co.uk


	12. A plan for love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thank you all so much for nearly 700 hits! My goal was only 200 and I'm so grateful for all of your continued support!
> 
> PS. As I'm LGBT, I can say the f-slur, however I don't feel comfortable using it, so I just left it as f-slur x
> 
> I actually hate this chapter it's so poorly written sorry
> 
> CHAPTER WARNINGS  
> Homophobia  
> Very tiny mention of abuse

~the next day

Yamaguchi found it very comforting to know that he had someone supporting him, someone he could talk to about his abuse, someone he could ask for advice on the Tsukki situation. It gave him peace of mind. Well, as much as he could have. he was terrified about that photo, and what harm it could cause him. Having already dealt with the extreme homophobia and disapproval of his parents was bad enough, but being called slurs at school was a whole new ball game.

School was Yamaguchi’s safe place, as well as Tsukki’s house, and he had always felt free there. He wasn’t particularly popular, but he wasn’t unpopular either, and he had the team and Tsukki too. They cared a lot about him, it was clear, even if Yamaguchi didn’t believe it. Feeling upset at school was a rare thing (as of late, not so much, but that’s understandable) as he tried to keep as positive as he could whilst there. But it really was difficult to remain optimistic when you are getting called a various slur every 10 minutes. 

Suga had also provided some advice for Yamaguchi that day, as well as his support. Yamaguchi thought long and hard about what Sugawara had suggested. Yamaguchi knew that telling Tsukki would either be the best thing that has ever happened to him, or the worst. No inbetween. He guessed that was the scary part for him, the fact that three words could ruin a friendship, or allow it to flourish and spread its wings. Yamaguchi can’t remember how long he has loved Tsukishima. He might have only realised recently, but he had been in love for a long, long time. 

Yamaguchi also knew that he had never been very good at covering up romantic feelings. Although he had never been in love with anyone other than Tsukki, he’d had his fair share of crushes. Granted, they were on celebrities or characters, however he had been told that it was very obvious he found them attractive. It would only be a matter of time before Tsukki notices, and then… then he would be left guessing. Yamaguchi knew this, and he decided that although this might ruin his everything, he needed to tell Tsukki. At least it would stop the rumours and very surely confirm or deny them.

Anxiety builds quickly however, and Yamaguchi’s feelings of panic about telling Tsukki soon became apparent. It was constantly on his mind, thinking about how he should tell him, where he should tell him, when he should tell him. What would he say? What should he wear? Would Tsukki get angry? All these questions kept bumping into his brain, particularly the last one. What IF things ended between him and Tsukishima? Then what? He would be alone at lunch, alone at practice, and worst of all, he would have to go crawling back to his parents and beg for a place to stay. Everything would go back to how it was before Tsukishima. The little quiet sad kid that got bullied. The kid whose own parents didn’t love him. The kid who was waiting for someone to save him from his everlasting hell. _No. I need to stop thinking like this. I need to tell him._

———

Classmate- 20:34  
“You should die.”

Classmate 2- 20:36  
“Filthy (f-slur)”

Girl from chemistry- 20:37  
“Wait ew is he one of THOSE what the-”

Tsukki’s friend- 20:38  
“They are both utter wastes of space.”  
Yamaguchi stared at his phone. There were another 54 messages in that group chat, and the group chat was called “(f-slur)”.  
He closed the chat, knowing he wouldn’t be able to bare reading anymore. Tears began to prick his eyes, and he felt his heart drop. His hand began to shake. His whole body began to shake. It was happening again.

“Yamaguchi!”

And just like that, Yamaguchi was calmer. That’s what happens when you love someone. Their simple existence and their simple acknowledgement of you can calm you in such a way only a very special thing can. That thing, is love.

Tsukishima had pushed open his bedroom door, only to find his best friend, and the person he loved more than anyone, curled up in the corner of his room, shaking immensely and repeating a few phrases over and over. He wasn’t quite close enough to hear what his friend was saying, however he did he a couple of the words he was repeating: “Tadashi you are such a fucking waste. You are just a filthy (f-slur) like they said.”

The second Tsukki said his name Yamaguchi stopped whispering, and turned to look up at Tsukki. But that didn’t change what Kei had heard.

“Like WHO said Yamaguchi.”

“J-just some classmates…”

“I WILL-“

Yamaguchi cut him off. 

“No Tsukki. Just please leave it. C-can we do something?”

Tsukki nodded, as it would be cruel to say no after what happened to Tadashi, and quite frankly, he didn’t care what state Yamaguchi was in, he would have said yes nonetheless. The next thing he knew, he was sitting on the roof of his house, under the stars, with Yamaguchi sobbing into his shoulder. He hugged him slightly, and then pulled him down so they were both lying next to each other looking up. Tsukki couldn't help thinking how perfect this moment could have been if it wasn't for those people at school, and his anger resurfaced, but he managed to control it. Tadashi was still crying softly, but Tsukki felt the boy slowly start to fall asleep with his arms around Tsukki in his koala cuddle. Kei gently lifted him, and carried him back through the window, and then dumped both himself and Yams on the bed. Soon, Tsukki fell asleep too, and Yamaguchi sighed in relief.

_He had to think I was asleep. It’s lucky he let me on the roof at all, and it’s even more lucky that he believed my fake sleeping._

This was because Yamaguchi had a plan. He was going to tell Tsukki the next day. He had to stop the rumours somehow, and if that somehow was him telling his childhood best friend he was in love with him, then that's what he must do. He knew that he wouldn’t be accepted, and before all the rumours, other than ruining their friendship, that was the biggest reason to not tell him. But now, the people at his school are already forming strong negative opinions of him based purely off of a rumour, so why not tell him if he was already unaccepted by everyone?

He gently untangled himself from Tsukki, ensuring he stayed sound asleep, and walked over to the desk. He pulled out a special piece of yellow card he was saving especially for this, and began writing. He was going to confess to Tsukishima with a love letter.

_This is it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Please leave a one if you can, they honestly make my day! Also, if you are interested in helping proof-read, or just want to chat, please dm me on my Instagram: jesss.co.uk! Thank you all do much!


	13. a letter filled with all the secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!!! i was supposed to post this last night but i’m dumb and forgot so you’re probably getting two chapters today :)
> 
> CHAPTER WARNINGS:  
> mentions of abuse  
> mentions of a knife
> 
> also this is super fluffy so i hope your hearts melt just as much as mine did while writing it x
> 
> EDIT: I AM SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT I HAD TO TAKE OUT A WHOLE PARAGRAPH FROM THIS BC TSUKKI WASNT SUPPOSED TO KNOW UNTIL A LATER CHAPTER IM SO SORRY GUYS

Tsukki, 

Please read the whole thing before doing or saying anything. For my sake.

Wow, you have no idea how hard this is going to be to put into words. Emotions are complicated and confusing, so trying to use words to describe them is practically impossible, but here I go I guess.

First I think I’d better tell you the truth about something. Please don’t be mad at me for lying to you for so long it’s just… it was so hard having to live with it, and I didn’t want you to have my burdens. All my life, well, for as long as I can remember my mother and father have abused me. It started with shouting then just got worse and worse… I don’t get sick as often as my school sick days would say. It was so heartbreaking to have to lie to you, but… They threatened me. They threatened YOU. And you are a thing i cannot risk. So I never told you. But now, thanks to you, I am free from them. 

You know, there are a lot of things that I am thankful for from you. The way you have never failed to be there for me. That was how I met you, although I’m sure you remember that. You saved me Tsukki. I could never have been more grateful for anything in my life. I have never felt uncomfortable around you. Every other person I know, I have had times where I have felt uncomfortable. But not you. I don’t know why I feel so safe around you, but I honestly do, and I love it. Thank you. So much. I remember when we were really young, maybe only 10 or so, we made our own play. We made props and costumes and everything. I made a backdrop, and you wrote the lines, and then we performed it to your mom. You were a dinosaur, and I was a dragon, and we had so much fun that day. I love how you can make me feel so much joy even when my life is pretty rough. Thank you Tsukki. I still hold a lot of memories like that dear to me. Like the time you fell over and smashed and ice cream into your face, (hilarious btw) and we ended up sharing mine. Those memories are so comforting when I’m having one of my off nights. 

About… One of those ”off” nights. The other night when you found me, I was going to commit. I wanted it to be over. I wanted to be dead. You saved me Tsukki. Without you, I would be dead. I am so grateful for you. I can’t even express it enough with words. I was probably minutes away from taking the pills I had stashed in my pocket. Then I heard your voice, and I hate to admit it, but I was terrified. I was terrified of what you would think of me. I just… It’s dumb. I just wanted you to be proud of me. And I knew you would be if you saw, so I tried to hide it… It didn’t work well. But you found me. And I had no idea at the time, my brain was all fuzzy, but that was what saved me. When I collapsed, I tried to say something, but my words wouldn’t come out. I thought I was about to die. And I couldn’t die with this secret. I tried to say I love you.

You have no idea how difficult that was to write. But yes, I love you Tsukki. I’ve said it. I’m sorry about all this. I know I probably just ruined everything, but I couldn’t hide it anymore. I have been in love with you since middle school.

I didn’t know it until recently. I was so oblivious. But ever since we were 12, I have loved you more than anything. You are quite literally the only reason I am on this planet right now, writing you a confession letter. And I'm sorry for using a letter not my own mouth, but I just don't trust myself enough. To say I love you. It’s been so long, it becomes a force of habit to kick myself every time I let something slip. 

Okay, enough of the sad stuff now. 

Whenever you walk into a room, I am drawn to you. Not just because you are my best friend, and not just because you are literally a head higher than everyone else there. I love your soft curly hair, and how it has a slight bounce when you walk, and I live your beautiful hazel eyes, even if they are behind glasses. And I love every part of you. But it’s not all about looks. You have always had such an air of confidence that I knew I could never have, and I absolutely and utterly love it. The simplicity of your sarcastic remarks means your humour is phenomenal, and I don’t think I have ever not laughed at one of your jokes. And you are so loyal to me. I’m just some easily replaceable friend, who doesn’t deserve you at all. I have never understood why you didn’t replace me. I would replace me. 

When you compliment me, I feel like a somebody. I can tell you that I really don’t feel like that very often. It was torture having to hide my feelings for you on the nights we cuddled. It was literal torture. I can’t even explain to you how much I wanted to kiss you. You made me feel significant. You made me feel worth it. I have a vague memory if you saying something on one of those nights, though I’m sure it must have been a dream. It was the first night I stayed with you after being kicked out. You said I love you to me. It must have been a dream. However, I do remember clearly the time before that. I hadn’t told you, but my parents fighting was worse that night. We cuddled that night. I think you thought I was asleep, but I wasn’t, and you hugged me back. That very nearly made me internally combust. I felt like I was floating. 

But to conclude this:  
I, Tadashi Yamaguchi, am in love with you, Kei Tsukishima.

Please don’t hate me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! please leave a comment if you can, they honestly make my day so much better! i actually cried at one i got yesterday it was so nice! also you can contact me via my instagram: jesss.co.uk :)


	14. a river of love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO! THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR 900 HITS! ONLY YESTERDAY I HIT 800! I HAVE NO WORDS THANK YOU! 
> 
> yes i cried while writing this... what about it
> 
> *cue ungodly levels of fluff*
> 
> CHAPTER WARNINGS  
> super small mention of abuse  
> mentions of anxiety and coping techniques

Chapter 13

The following day, Yamaguchi didn’t think he had ever felt this nervous in his life. Not when he had a huge exam the previous year, not when he had to present to the whole school, not when he tried out for the volleyball team. He had his letter, now in a sealed envelope with a small golden smiley face sticker on it. He looked at this small sticker and tried to smile just as large as it was. He then planted a small kiss on the sticker, his lips hardly touching the card, and then ran after Tsukki, who had already left for school. 

All-day, Yamaguchi’s mind found itself on the topic of Kei, and what was to happen after school. Yamaguchi was simply terrified. It was now lunch, and Yamaguchi looked at his bland pasta pot. He took a small mouthful, as he didn’t feel up to eating, and then threw it away. It needed more garlic anyway, he thought to himself. 

”Tadashi? Why are you staring at me?”

_WAS I STARING AGAIN?!_

”Oh, sorry Tsukki.”

”You didn’t answer my question.”

_WHY DID HE HAVE TO CHOOSE TODAY TO BE PETTY? OF ALL DAYS!_

Tsukishima could tell there was something on Yamaguchi’s mind. He had known the boy for about 10 years now, so it wasn’t exactly difficult to tell there was something wrong. He had that look on his face, the one he had just after one of his attacks. Yamaguchi was anxious. However, Yamaguchi had been staring at Tsukki all day, which not only drove Tsukishima mental, to have the one person he loved more than anyone, the one person he thought he could never have, gazing at him all day. He questioned whether he was what was on Yama’s mind once or twice, but had dismissed the thoughts immediately. He only had one chance to find out what was the matter with Yamaguchi, and that chance was now. He wasn’t going to let Yamaguchi avoid the question.

”Tsukki? Could we maybe go to the river after school? The one with the bridge I like?”

He sounded nervous, and Tsukishima picked up on it. He thought for a short moment then nodded. He loved that bridge just as much as his friend, and it had been far too long since he’d been there. It would be nice to see the traditional bridge, and since it was autumn, the soft orangey hues of the leaves. Plus, he needed to find out what was bothering Tadashi. He had promised Tadashi that fateful night that he would never let another one of those attacks happen. And to his knowledge, he had stuck to that promise. He refused to let that end now.

Yamaguchi didn’t know what to feel when his friend nodded. Half of his mind wished Tsukishima had said no, and that he would never tell him, and things would just stay like normal. But his other half was ecstatic to see that small nod. He was going to tell Tsukishima. He was going to tell him everything.

Yamaguchi's mind was foggy. The bell rang for the end of the day, and he began to pack his things. He filled his small bag with his few remaining possessions, and slowly began to walk out, Tsukishima not far behind him. Once they were alone, Tsukki asked something.

”Yamaguchi. Are you okay?”

Yamaguchi Tadashi was very much not okay. His anxiety was through the roof, and he was on the verge of an attack. He clicked his fingers together, and synchronised his breathing with Tsukki’s, two new coping mechanisms Kei had told him about, that really worked for him.

“I’m fine.”

The rest of the walk was in silence. Not an awkward silent, a silent that showed how comfortable the two boys were with each other. They glanced each other a few times, but then ultimately began to avoid eye contact. 

Tsukishima had no idea what was coming for him. He had convinced himself that Yamaguchi would never love him. That Yamaguchi was very definitely not in love with him. 

As the two boys approached the bridge, under the arch of falling autumn leaves, Yamaguchi began to think his heart was going to fall out. He felt a hot blush rise to his cheeks, and he began to panic a little. Once they reached the bridge, their special place, they took a moment to admire its beauty. The traditional Japanese curls in the handrail, the ornamental colours, the scattering of leaves covering the grass with a blanket of orange. And most of all, the crystal clear river flowing beneath them, glimmering as it tricked across the rocks. It was magnificent. They turned to face the water, their fingers slightly overlapping on the handrail. Neither one minded. Yamaguchi moved his other hand slowly to his pocket. he felt the letter beneath his fingertips, and slowly ran his finger along the end of the envelope, then pulled it out, fumbling a little. 

He tapped Tsukki on the shoulder, and he turned to face him. Yamaguchi gazed into Tsukki’s eyes for a subtle moment, then held up the letter.

”Please just read it Tsukki.”

A look of confusion swept over Tsukishima’s face, and he gently opened the enveloped. He glanced down at the yellow card, and saw the most beautifully written letter he had ever seen. It was clear Yamaguchi had spent time writing this, as his handwriting was perfect, and there were cute doodles filling the margins. 

_Please read the whole thing before doing or saying anything. For my sake._

Just that small line told Tsukki that this was very hard for his friend to put into words. He continued reading.

Yamaguchi began to panic again, fear rising to his throat. He couldn’t believe what he just did. He just confessed. He just told Tsukki everything. EVERYTHING. He began to shake a little, his hand particularly. His blush from earlier had not left, however now it was almost 100x redder. 

Tears pricked Tsukishima’s eyes. One fell, and he wiped away quickly with his sleeve, and pretended nothing had happened, but the blush across his cheeks was steadily increasing. He continued reading the letter.

Meanwhile, Yamaguchi was staring out at the beautiful landscape, avoiding eye contact completely. He couldn’t imagine how Tsukki would react, and whether they would even be friends after this. it’s safe to say, at this point in time, he regretted everything about that letter. he knew that it was the only right thing to do, but that doesn’t mean it was easy. He stood, staring out at the river for a solid five minutes, before Tsukki simply said: 

“I would never hate you.”

Before walking away.

Yamaguchi’s eyes widened and his mouth gaped. If there was one reaction he didn’t expect, it was this. He had no idea what it meant. Was it good? Was it bad? Did he feel the same way? Are they still friends? All these questions sped through Tadashi’s mind in rapid timing, and he began to hyperventilate. He was shaking even more now, and he was on the brink of a panic attack. He started sobbing.

“Tsukki! I’M SORRY!”

“I’M SORRY TSUKKI!

“PLEASE DON’T GO!”

“JUST FORGET THIS HAPPENED, PLEASE I’M SORRY!”

“KEI PLEASE!”

Hearing his first name made him stop in his tracks. Tsukki knew what he was doing was wrong, but he had to think this over. He was in love with Yamaguchi too, he knew that much, but what about his parents? What if they had the same reaction? Not only that, all of the secrets Yamaguchi had kept from him, about the moon breakdown. It was all understandable that he hid it, but it was a lot to take in for Tsukishima. He knew he couldn’t relate, so how was he supposed to help? And would a relationship be the best thing for Yams? He had no idea what it all meant. He really wanted to just kiss Yamaguchi, but he wasn’t the kind of person that was good at doing things on instinct. He turned around, now facing Tadashi, and hugged him. 

“I’m just going to think things over okay? Let’s go home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! i hope you enjoyed this chapter! i don’t if it CAN... but the next chapter has A LOT MORE FLUFF. so yeah haha :) Please leave a comment! they make my days so much better, literally! i cry at almost every single one i get, i appreciate them so much! have a lovely day, evening, or night!


	15. you once said i was your moon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i sobbed while writing this i’m not even going to lie. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR NEARLY 1000 HITS IM SPEECHLESS! 
> 
> CHAPTER WARNINGS  
> NONE OMG 
> 
> welcome to the land of tooth rotting fluff.
> 
> also because i’m posting this way earlier than i planned, tomorrow’s chapter might be a little delayed :/

Once the two boys arrived home, after an unimaginably awkward walk, Yamaguchi decided to go and take a shower. He needed to relax a little, stop himself from crying even more. Yamaguchi was confused, he had no idea what had happened, and really needed to get some time alone to calm his mind. Meanwhile, Tsukki needed to think. He knew exactly what he wanted to do about the whole situation, but no idea how to say it all. Yamaguchi had said it perfectly, so he must follow perfectly too. It was a lot of pressure for someone who has never been good with talking about feelings.

His brother however, was not. Tsukki was quite sure he already knew something was going on between the two of them after he walked in on them hugging that one time, so he was basically out to him anyway. Akiteru had had plenty of girlfriends, and had been in a relationship with his current girl for about a year and a half, so Tsukki knew he was good with relationship advice. After a few minutes thought, he decided he would have to ask Akiteru. It was inevitable. He walked to his brother’s room, only a few steps away, and knocked (because he had the manners to, unlike akiteru). 

“Come in.”

Tsukki turned the handle. He hadn’t been in Akiteru’s room in quite a while, not since he had been home from university. It was different than he remembered it. It was like Akiteru wasn’t his brother anymore. He dismissed these throughs quickly though.

“Kei… are you… TALKING TO ME WILLINGLY?!”

He was definitely still Kei’s brother.

“Oh be quiet.”

Akiteru chuckled a little. It was true that this was the first time Tsukishima had talked to him willingly in a very long time, ever since the incident. 

“Akiteru, I need some advice.” Tsukishima said in a hushed voice, as to stop Yams from hearing.

Akiteru smiled, smugly almost, and sat down at the small desk in the corner of the room. Still grinning, he reached under the desk and pulled out a small, navy blue gift box with the label ”advice” on it. Tsukki stared at his brother in disbelief. _He really has a whole box for THIS?_ Akiteru lifted the lid, and inside we’re various notes for different things. Tsukki thought it’d be best to not read these labels, as after reading about three he saw some… more mature topics. Akiteru turned to Kei and said, 

”So. What is the issue?”

Tsukishima’s mouth opened. Then closed. Then opened again. This was a lot harder to say than he thought it would be. 

”Well… Yamaguchi confessed to me. And- I love him back.”

Akiteru chuckled. It was obvious to him that the two were in love. He had knew since the boys were about 14, because after all, friends don’t cuddle up on the sofa under one blanket after watching a romance movie. That doesn’t happen.

”Finally.”

He pulled out the largest set of notes in the box. Akiteru had been preparing for this exalt moment for far longer than he cared to admit. Yet again, Tsukki stared at his brother in disbelief. This collection was labelled ”For when Kei and Tadashi finally realise they are in love.” Tsukki ran over to his brother, and punched him lightly.

_Were we THAT obvious?_

”Rude,” Akiteru rolled his eyes sarcastically. “Anyway, did you tell Tadashi?”

”No… That’s why I’m here…”

Akiteru then ruffled through the papers and pulled one out, still bemused by the fact it had took them both THIS long to tell each other, and read parts of it aloud, just quiet enough that Yamaguchi wouldn't hear from the bathroom. 

”Don’t text, tell him to his face.”  
 _A lot easier said than done._  
”Look at him. In the eyes.”  
 _How do I even do that?_  
”Take him somewhere special.”  
 _The bridge! That part’s obvious._  
”Compliment him, and MEAN IT.”  
 _I have to summarise that part I think, i’d be there all night._  
”Don’t sound unhappy or like you’re forced to. Just be yourself.”  
 _I don’t think I even COULD sound unhappy when i’m with him._

It was all general advice, but some of it was tailored a little, with things Akiteru knew his brother was bad at.

”Don’t just say ”same”. Don’t do that. If you don’t say ”I love you” at least once you aren’t doing it right Tsukki.”  
 _I AM NOT THAT BAD!_  
”END IT ON A HUG AT LEAST!!! ITS MUTUAL CLEARLY!”  
 _To hug him… to kiss him… it would be everything. I don’t need encouragement for that one._   
Tsukki was literally speechless at this point. Was it that obvious that him and Yamaguchi loved each other? He had thought he was pretty subtle about it, and Yams clearly didn’t notice… then again though, he hadn’t noticed that Yams was in love with him… it was always the ones who were in love that never notice huh? Weirdly enough though, this advice really helped. Kei now knew exactly how he was going to tell Tadashi. 

Tsukki handed Yams his shoes. They were very lovely shoes, and Kei couldn’t help but notice the small heart Tadashi had drawn on the laces. _He is perfect._ Yamaguchi frowned a little but began slipping them onto his feet. 

”So where are we going?”

”Back to the river.”

_Back to the river? We were only there a few hours ago, and it’s night now? Why does Tsukki want to go there NOW?_

Yamaguchi just nodded, incredibly confused, but still happy Tsukki didn’t hate him. If only he knew what was coming next.

When they arrived at the river, Tsukishima felt a lot less nervous than he expected. He supposed it was because he knew it was mutual, and he couldn’t even imagine how anxious Yams must of felt earlier. 

A soft blueish light was cast over the bridge, and the therapeutic noise coming from the trickling stream was simply perfect. Tsukishima had never felt so happy before this moment. He could finally stop lying to himself. He could love.

“Yamaguchi? Look.”

He pointed upwards with his hand, grabbing yamaguchi’s with the other. It was the moon, as bold, as beautiful, as stark as usual. Surrounding it was a galaxy of stars, like a scattering of glitter on black card. It was absolutely perfect, not a cloud, not a bird, not a person in sight. 

“You once said I was your moon. Look at the stars surrounding it.”

They both gazed upwards, at the splatter of light in the sky, and then Tsukki looked down at Yams and locked eyes with him. he’d forgotten how beautiful Yamaguchi’s eyes were.

“I once said your freckles were like stars.”

He cupped Yamaguchi’s cheek, rubbing his thumb across each freckle, and a blush raised in both of their cheeks.

_I love Yamaguchi so much._

_I love Tsukki so much._

“Could you be my stars?”

Yamaguchi’s eyes filled with tears. Happy tears. He started to cry softly, and just nodded.

“I love you.”  
“I love you.”

Yamaguchi felt like he was floating, the butterflies in his stomach carrying him away, like many times before, but never this much. This had to be a dream. This wasn’t happening. This was happening. Tsukki had just said that. He was perfect, his blond hair less curly than usual, his soft hazel eyes twinkling, under the sky, saying everything by saying very little at all. 

Then, Yamaguchi reached up and pulled Tsukki into a quick kiss, their lips only just brushing together, and then he wrapped his arms around Kei, and just whispered,

“The moon is my favourite.”

Neither of them forgot that moment. It was the first time in forever they hadn’t hidden their emotions.

“The stars is mine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO! please leave a comment if you enjoyed! they honestly make my day, i cry with happiness at most of them haha :) also if you would like to help with proof reading, get notifications when i post, or just have a chat with me, please dm me on instagram: jesss.co.uk:)


	16. Strawberry chapstick is my favourite taste

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I'm so sorry for not posting yesterday! I'm super behind on my schedule, but I hope you like this chapter!
> 
> CHAPTER WARNINGS  
> mentions of f-slur  
> Bullying  
> Swearing

Chapter 15

Falling asleep that night, with the familiar weight of Tadashi’s small head on his chest, felt different than before. This time, he could run his hands through the soft, strawberry-scented hair, place kisses on the freckles spread across Yams’ cheeks, wrap his arms around him, whisper ‘I love you’ and little compliments. The idea of soulmates had always been incredible to Tsukishima, the sheer concept of someone having the same soul split in two. And for the first time, Kei fully believed he had found his. 

Tsukki lifted his arm, and slowly ruffled Yamaguchi’s hair, and he chuckled as Yamaguchi smiled contentedly. It was surreal to Tsukki that he could make someone feel that happy, just as it was surreal to Yamaguchi he could feel that happy. 

“You know something? I always wondered if you used strawberry shampoo for me. it’s dumb I know.” Tsukishima whispered, his mind wandering back to last time they were like this. 

“I do.”

_He does? Hasn’t he been using that shampoo since middle school? When he said he liked me at 12 I thought he was exaggerating!_

The two boys laughed a little. They were glad it was the weekend the next day, which meant they could stay awake a bit later than usual. Ever since Tsukki had told Yamaguchi, Yams felt like he was flying. It all felt like some amazing dream to him. He couldn’t even explain how long he had been waiting for the words ‘I love you.’ To be said to him. After what he thought was rejection after school, his thoughts hadn’t been processing properly, but the moment Tsukki took him to that bridge and told him everything, his mind cleared. His mind cleared except for one memory.

As he had said in his letter, he was awake the first night he stayed in Tsukki’s bed, and when Tsukki moved the hair from his lip, he was fully conscious. However, he had thought Tsukki saying “I love you.” Under his breath was a dream. Was it a dream? 

“Tsukki. Tonight wasn’t the first time you’ve told me you loved me, was it? I thought it was a dream…”

Tsukki shook his head once more, with a broad smile on his face, and a subtle pink blush on the apples of his cheeks. 

”Tsukki? I love you so much.”

”I love you too, Yams. I’m going to sleep now. Goodnight.”

He planted a small kiss on Yamaguchi’s forehead, then drifted to sleep. Once Yamaguchi felt his breaths become steady, he closed his eyes and began to think. 

All this time. It took him another 4 years to realise it. But God, I’m so happy he did. The subtle things I’ve done all these years to get him to notice, to get him to make the first move. He was so oblivious. All the little cakes, all the good morning messages, all the hugs, all the strawberry shortcake I bought him. He loves that stuff so much… He once told me I was like a strawberry. Green hair for the stalk, pink blush on my cheeks with freckles for the seeds. Even back then he was romantic without realising it. But now it’s deliberate. Now everything he says is very, very deliberate. He really does love me.

Yamaguchi fell asleep that night with a smile on his face and his head still on Tsukki’s chest. 

\----------

”Tsukki! Wait up!”

Yamaguchi was running after his friend, who had left because of how late Yamaguchi had been leaving, had his face bruised, and Tsukki turned around and looked him rather concerned. He dropped his small backpack onto the concrete and began running to Yamaguchi. The bruises were quite large, and the only other time he had been Yamaguchi that badly bruised was the night his parents threw him out. There was a little blood by his nose too, and his hand was covered in it. 

”W-WHAT HAPPENED?!”

Yamaguchi frowned in confusion for a moment, almost as if he had no idea what Tsukki was talking about. He then came back to his senses and slowly wiped away another drop of blood.

”Oh. I got in a fight. Sorry, Tsukki.”

Tsukki was a little taken aback at how casually Yams said that, as he’d never been in a fight before as far a Tsukki knew, and he said it as if it were the most normal thing in the world.

”A-”

”before you ask if I’m okay, let me tell you what happened. I heard someone calling us… that… Again. Well… Not me. Just you. I thought they were my friends. But clearly not. So I hit her. Bang in the nose.”

”WHAT?! YOU HIT A GIRL?!”

”well yeah… She was being a bitch about you. I won’t stand for it.”

Tsukki’s mouth gaped open. That much courage… Last time he heard someone say that he just verbally threatened them… and all that just for him! Maybe Yamaguchi wasn’t as timid as he thought…

”well? Did you win?”

”Yeah.”

Tsukki nodded in approval. His boyfriend, beating someone up because they were bitching about him… He couldn’t even explain how much he loved Yamaguchi. He knew he would do the same, but to have someone ACTUALLY do that for him was mind-blowing.

“Let’s go Yama.”

As they walked, their hands brushed together, before Yamaguchi linked their fingers together. His hands were warm and much bigger than Yama’s. They smiled. 

\----------

“Tsukki! I don’t get it!”

It was Yams, who was very confused about his algebra homework. It was fairly simple, but he had never been great at math. Tsukki leant over Yamaguchi and began to explain, his chest pressed into Yamaguchi back. Yama’s heart flipped, and the warmth of Tsukki’s body made him unable to think how much he wanted to kiss Tsukki. He wanted to feel Tsukki’s gentle lips against his again. The soft taste of strawberry chapstick. The warm breaths against his cheeks. A beetroot red blush rose to his face, and a small smile crept to his lips. 

”You got it?”

”Mnhmh”

Tsukki turned to face Yamaguchi again, now spotting his slightly tinted cheeks. Tsukki knew what Yamaguchi was thinking. He wanted to too. He wanted to feel like he did yesterday. 

”Tsu-Tsukki-”

”Shut up Yamaguchi.”

And with that, Tsukishima pulled Yamaguchi into a soft kiss, cupping his cheeks with his hands. Yamaguchi wrapped his arms around Tsukki’s neck, and closed his eyes, as the subtle taste of the strawberry chapstick returned once more to his mouth. He didn’t think he had ever felt this content in his life. He tilted his head slightly and hugged Tsukki a little tighter. This was a lot better than yesterday’s kiss. It was longer, deeper and a lot more meaningful. Everything was great. 

”Kei are yo-”

Yamaguchi jumped backwards, his lips leaving Kei’s, the taste of fruit lingering on his tongue. His eyes widened as he saw Kei’s brother, Akiteru standing in the doorway. He had a habit of ’forgetting’ to knock, and frankly, it was getting a little annoying. Yamaguchi turned back to Tsukki, the panic in his eyes now becoming visible.

Akiteru himself looked a little shocked, but if anything, he was amused. He widened his eyes, almost sarcastically, and walked out. 

“I think I should go talk to him…”

“Yeah.”


	17. Loving someone is almost as good as being loved

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm so sorry for my current posting schedule being a little off, it should go back to being every day rather than every other day in a week or so. 
> 
> CHAPTER WARNINGS  
> none :)

Chapter 16

It was safe to say Tsukishima was irritated with his brother. That kiss, that _amazing_ kiss, could have lasted so much longer if Akiteru had the decency to knock. However, it was an eye for an eye as Tsukki slammed open his brother’s door, the metal door handle debating the wall it had just hit. 

”LEARN. HOW. TO. KNOCK.”

Akiteru smiled.

”So I take it last night went well?”

”Oh fuck off.”

And with that, Tsukki stormed out of his brother’s room and marched back to Tadashi, whose mouth was gaping open water healing the conversation in the adjacent room. 

”He’s going to knock from now.”

Yamaguchi just nodded, a little dumbfounded, and responded with:

”No kidding.”

Yams paused for a second as if debating what to say.

”You know… You’re the best boyfriend.”

Tsukki’s heart skipped a beat, and a warm smile hit his face. Boyfriend. Yamaguchi. Yamaguchi was his boyfriend. Yamaguchi and him. Him and Yamaguchi. They were dating. 

Just hearing those words was enough to send Tsukki into pure joy, but he decided to be a little mean.

”Boyfriend? We never made it official.”

”Then let’s.”

Putting one hand to Tadashi’s cheek, and another on his back, Tsukki pulled himself closer to Yams, only inches from his face. He whispered gently.

”Tadashi. Do you want to be my boyfriend?”

Kei’s breath was warm on Tadashi’s face, and he felt himself blush for what must have been the 100th time that week. He looked up, locking eyes with Tsukki, smiling gently.

”More than anything.”

For the second time that day, Tadashi felt his eyes close as his face got slowly closer to Tsukki’s lips, and his arms wrap around Tsukki’s neck. This time, the kiss was deeper, and quite simply a lot better than earlier. Tadashi tilted his head to deepen it, before pulling away.

”That’s enough for now. We need to finish our homework.”

Tsukki rolled his eyes.

”I never said anything about later.”

~a few days later

”TSUKKI! Look!”

Clutched in Yamaguchi’s hand was a small A5 flyer, that had seemingly been ripped off of a tree. In big, bold, red letters, across the top of the page, read ’CARNIVAL!’. 

”I thought we could go! It’s on all weekend, and I was thinking maybe we could have Sunday as date night? Y’know now we’re dating…”

“Fine. But you are in charge of date night okay?”

The swirling lights created a kaleidoscope of overwhelmingly colourful washes over the dew dropped night grass, rainbow reflections glinting from the water droplets. The usual trumpet and drumbeat of carnivals were playing on a loop from a large speaker, situated in the centre of all the rides, echoing among the surrounding trees. 

After standing in the decorated entrance arch for a moment, tickets in hand, Yamaguchi grabbed Tsukki’s wrist and began running into the mayhem, a smile lighting up his small face. Tsukki himself had never been particularly overjoyed at the prospect of fairs, however, he could feel a different atmosphere being created that night, an atmosphere of contentment and love. He ran with Yamaguchi, following the smaller boy blindly through the masses of people, only spotting him via his uniquely green hair. 

”Yamaguchi- Where are we-”

”THE CAROUSEL! LET’S GO ON THE CAROUSEL TSUKKI!”

In front of the two boys was one of the most magnificent carousels Yamaguchi had ever seen. It almost looked like one of the old-timey ones only seen in childhood fairy tales. The horses had an iridescent shimmer to them, and the music playing was gentle to the ear. Spotting two free horses next to one another, Yamaguchi dragged Tsukki over and lifted himself onto the outer horse, whilst Tsukki got on the inner. 

”Welcome to the carousel! Hold on tight!”

Spinning slowly to start, Yamaguchi leant over to Tsukki and grabbed his hand, as they both slowly moved up and down to the beat over the music. The horses slowly began to move faster and faster, the autumnal breeze blowing through Tadashi’s hair as the spun. A huge grin spread across his face, and his eyes were lit up with the reflection of the flashing lights. 

”TSUKKI! I FEEL LIKE IM FLYING!”

Laughing a little, Tsukki nodded, and the ride began to come to a slow end, the tinkering music fading away. Yams fell off his horse out of dizziness, and Tsukki had to catch him before he steadied himself. 

”That was amazing.”

”Yes. It. Was.”

Tsukki gently leaned in for a hug from Yams and got a soft hug in return, one that made his heart flutter. If this was love, Tsukki wanted to be in love forever.

”Yams! Look!”

Tsukki stretched out his hand towards a small food cart, the scent of cinnamon and fruit wafting from it. Hanging up in cellophane bags, lining the back wall, was fresh candy floss, in which the shop attendees were scooping onto cones. Tsukishima had always had a sweet tooth, so him pointing this out was no surprise to his boyfriend, who followed him up to the cart. The queue was fairly long, stretching out by 6 or 7 groups, but that.didnt stop the two boys from waiting. As they got to next but one from the front, Yamaguchi slipped away, saying he was going to one of the toilets at the back of the field. However, this was the truth at all. Out of the corner of his eye, Yamaguchi had spotted the hook-a-duck, and at the very top of the stall, as the biggest prize, was a huge dinosaur cushion. The second the boy saw it, he knew what needed to be done. He had to win that dinosaur for Tsukki. 

He handed over one ticket and steadied the hook. He licked his eyes onto one particular duck, one that seemingly had been poorly rigged to be impossible. However, there was a small gap where they hadn't quite bent the loop far enough for it to be rendered fully useless. And with some miracle, Yams managed to hook the winning duck. The attendant asked whether he would prefer another prize, but Yams shook his head confidently. He supposed it did look weird for a 15-year-old to be so interested in a dinosaur cushion.

Tsukki was next in the queue, and Yamaguchi ran over to him, with the fluffy green cushion behind his back.

”Tsukki, close your eyes.”

”Why?”

”Oh just do it Tsukki.”

Reluctantly, and a little suspiciously, Tsukishima closed his eyes, and Yamaguchi pulled Tsukki’s hand out and placed in it the dinosaur. The soft weight of the cushion was shocking for Tsukki, as he half expected nothing to be there at all. His eyes snapped open before a smile burst into his face. 

“You know me far too well.”

He pulled Yamaguchi into a wordless kiss, his arms stretched around the smaller boy’s waist. A lock of Tadashi’s silky smooth hair tickled against Tsukishima’s nose, and he sniffled a little, while Yamaguchi nuzzled closer into Tsukki’s body contentedly. 

“Order 14!”

Tsukki pulled away, and held his receipt up, the number 14 scribbled on in biro. He retrieved his cotton candy, the strawberry, blue raspberry, and lemon combo, and then began walking back to Yams. In his hand was only one cone of the sugary snack, and Yams looked at him perplexedly. 

“Last one. we’ll have to share it.”

The two found a small bench nearby, and sat down on it, linking hands. They took turns biting into the cotton candy, the tooth-rotting sweetness of the food reflecting the mood. After about 5 minutes it was all gone, except for one tiny slither at the corner of Tsukki’s face. 

”Let me just…”

And with one tender swoop, Tadashi brushed it away, chuckling gently. The moment Tadashi’s finger brushed Tsukki’s face, he felt waves of electricity roll down his body, ending with his stomach twisted into butterflies.

Both boys’ eyes lit up, like a million spotlights reflecting. 

”I have an idea.”

Tadashi grabbed Tsukki, and almost dragged him over to the next ride. Circling the moon, the rainbow painting carriages blew in the wind, as the two boys gazed in wonderment at the huge Ferris wheel before them. Tadashi looked into Kei’s eyes, and Kei looked back before they both wordlessly agreed they were getting on. The handed over their tickets, enough for 10 minutes on the ride. They chose a cart, a navy blue one, spattered in silver stars. 

As they rose into the brisk night sky, the galaxy surrounding them, the once deafening sound of carnival music now distant, Yamaguchi turned to Tsukki, closed his eyes for a brief moment, then sighed of joy.

As Tsukki gazed unto his boyfriend’s perfect face, he saw his eyes twinkling, the soft green hues pulling through the hazel, his freckles barely visible as winter was approaching, his lips with what looked like chapstick, a beetroot blush on his cheeks, his gorgeous eyelashes batting in the wind. He saw Yamaguchi. Perfect in every way possible. 

”Kei Tsukishima. I love you more than anything. You make me feel like I’m drunk off of love, you make me feel special. But tonight, I want to make you feel special.”

Yamaguchi launched himself forwards, locking eyes with Tsukki juts moments before their lips reached one another’s. They closed their eyes, and Yamaguchi reached his arms around Tsukki and pulled him closer, before tilting his head to deepen this moment. Tsukki’s hands instinctively flew to Yamaguchi’s neck, as he enjoyed what would be one of the best moments of his life. The kiss lasted 2 minutes or so before Yamaguchi finally leant away. They were just at the top of the Ferris wheel, the full moon shimmering in the distance.

”My moon lover.”

”My star lover.”

”My galaxy.”  
”My galaxy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! thank you all so much for reading! your support means the world to me, and i can’t even put into words how happy this all makes me feel. please leave a comment, or if you are interested in proof reading, chapter notifications or just having a chat, please dm me on my instagram: @jesss.co.uk


	18. A click of the fingers doesn't take away your problems

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY FOR HOW LATE THIS CHAPTER IS I FEEL SO BAD OMG!!! Please forgive me, I've had a rough few days.
> 
> CHAPTER WARNINGS  
> suicidal thoughts  
> Intrusive thoughts  
> Anxiety  
> Panic attacks

It had been a few nights since the carnival, and Tsukki couldn’t be happier. Every day he would sit at the front of the class, sending hand signals to Yamaguchi, a secret sort of language they had made up when they were young. They would do this to get through classes, then spend each lunch together, taking it in turns to pay, although most of the time, it ended up being Tsukki paying. He didn’t mind. Today they bought some rice to share and sat down at their usual table in the back left of the cafeteria. As they were opening their meal, Tsukki grabbed Yamaguchi’s hand under the table and smiled tenderly in his direction. Yamaguchi smiled back, doing his best to hide the ever-reddening blush on his ears and cheeks by covering them with his free hand. Tsukki chuckled.

”Tadashi. You know, we’ve got a practice match with Nekoma coming up soon… Do you want to do some extra practice later?”

Yamaguchi nodded, mid-mouthful, and thought about how much practice he had missed lately. Even though it wasn’t his fault, He still felt little guilty, and he knew his jump floats needed perfecting even more, even if that meant extra hours practising. 

“Nice kill, Yamaguchi!”

He had just had another service ace, his second in a row, and Hinata was screaming loudly from the bench (it was his off rotation). The ball got sent back for Yamaguchi’s third serve. _Where to aim? Tsukki’s receives aren’t great so I could aim to him… no! I’ll send it to Narita!_

Thwack. The ball rebounded from Narita’s perfect receive high into the air and flew right into Kageyama’s arms. _Damn it. He’s going for Tanaka!_ As usual, Kageyama set to Tanaka effortlessly, with extreme precision. Bam. The ball hit Tanaka’s hand, and his powerful spike push through the blocker’s arms. But thankfully, Nishinoya was there to receive. He dove for the ball, his hand just about missing. They lost. 

That evening Yamaguchi could feel his anxiety rising a little. Like when you get that sinking feeling of despair, but constant. It was the first time in a while he’d felt like this, and he knew from this point it would only get worse. To think he thought he was finally getting better. 

As he had said to Tsukki, he didn’t want to be like this; no-one ever did. He didn’t like how he felt in danger, he didn’t like how he felt like he was going to cry all the time, he didn’t like his thoughts. Intrusive thoughts. By definition, a thought that is not your own that often causes great anxiety and despair. These thoughts happened a lot to Yamaguchi. They started off mild. _Crybaby. Weak. Ugly._. Then they got worse. _I hate you. No one likes you. It’s all your fault._ Then one day, they hit a milestone. _Go kill yourself._

Yamaguchi had been struggling with that last thought for about a year. He still was. You can seem happy and feel happy sometimes, but that doesn’t mean these problems go away. They keep coming back, until one day, after a long time spent recovering, you will have your last one. Yams knew Tsukki would help with these thoughts. That’s what worried him. The fact that Tsukki would always be way too protective of him if he were to tell him. 

Yamaguchi really needed Tsukki that evening. He had felt it earlier in the day, but this was a bad one. He lay on the bed, watching Tsukki as he studied for his maths exam. He had a confused expression on his face, his tongue sticking out slightly in concentration.

_He doesn’t want you. You don’t deserve him. Just die._

_No… Please… Leave me alone…_

He was fighting with his own mind, destroying himself little by little. He lay flat on the bed now, and wrapped his arms around a cushion, facing away from Kei. _It would be rude to bother him.  
_

A tear fell from his face as he let out a small whimper. 

_You’re so ungrateful. You have such a good life but you’re so pathetic you have to cry about it. No one here loves you. Pathetic. No wonder you’re always the second choice. Just go kill yourself, it would make Tsukki happier._

Tadashi was full-blown sobbing now. He’d lost to his thoughts again. Maybe they were right. Maybe he would be better off dead. 

”Yams?”

Tadashi turned to see his boyfriend sitting on the bed, a completely concerned look on his face. He saw the tears, then lay down and began to cuddle Yama. It was their usual routine for these nights. 

”Tsu-Ts-Tsukki…? D-do you wi-wish I was d-dead?” 

Yamaguchi didn’t know when his nervous stutter developed. He imagined it to be around middle school, but he was never about to put his finger on it. Another insecurity on the list.

Tsukki stopped playing with Tadashi’s hair and shuffled down to look him in his huge, golden, sad, scared eyes.

”God, no! You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me, as cheesy as that sounds. Don’t ever think I don’t love you, because I love you more than anything.”

Tsukki pulled the smaller boy forward, wiped his tears from his cheeks, then pulled his limp body into a huge hug, wrapping his long arms around his small waist, allowing Tadashi to let all of his tears out. Tsukki rubbed Yama’s back, as his shirt became increasingly more soaked with salty tears. He could feel Yamaguchi trembling under his arms, and hugged him tighter, then cupped his face and brushed away the tears with his thumb. He placed a small kiss on Yamaguchi’s forehead, then said

“For every freckle, for every time i’ve fallen head over heels for you, for every time you’ve helped me, for every time you’ve made me feel special, i’m going to give you a kiss.”

He then began peppering Tadashi with kisses, small, soft kisses, on his hands, his cheeks, his forehead, his lips. _He really does love me._ Soon enough, Tadashi stopped crying and began to smile a little. Forced, but still there. He was trying. He’d always try for Tsukki.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Please leave a kudos or comment, they make my day! If you are interested in proof reading, post reminders, or just want to chat, please dm me on my Instagram: jesss.co.uk


	19. A chance to not pretend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY FOR HOW BAD THIS CHAPTER IS PLEASE FORGIVE ME
> 
> CHAPTER WARNINGS  
> Anxiety   
> Panic attacks  
> Tiny mention of bullying

Chapter 18

The next morning the two didn’t talk about what happened. They woke up in each other’s arms, Tsukki’s hand ruffling through Yama’s hair. The sunlight peeked through a slit in the curtains, giving a soft and gentle glow to Tadashi’s delicate face, making Tsukki smile. He carefully shook Tadashi slightly, before whispering in his ear,

“Morning Tadashi. I love you.”

Tadashi opened his eyes slowly before a smile spread across his face, a slight blush tinting his freckled cheeks. He nuzzled into his boyfriend a little more, burying his nose into Kei’s chest. 

“I love you too.”

…

Tsukishima had no idea what caused the events of the night before. Yamaguchi had refused to tell him. The truth was, there was no reason. It had just _happened_. Yamaguchi was convinced he was getting better, having not had an attack since Tsukki found him harming that one time, but then after a while, he felt it come back. The more he tried to block it out, the louder it got, the more he tried to ignore them, the more came. It was a never-ending cycle. But he had Tsukki to help, and he would always feel better the moment Tsukki came near to him. Love is a strange thing.

…

That day at lunch something was pressing on Tsukishima’s mind. He hated how he had to pretend so much, how he had to pretend that he and Tadashi were nothing more than best friends, and it was killing him. Hiding it from the team was particularly difficult because every time they won a set, every time Tadashi scored, every time Tadashi began to feel anxious before a match, Tsukki wanted nothing more than to pull him into a huge hug. He’d saw Daichi and Suga together countless times, so he knew the team would be accepting, and he wished he could stop lying to them all.

“Tadashi. I want to tell the team.”

Tadashi put down his rice and looked at Tsukki with wide eyes, and a hint of worry. He bit his lip out of concern and looked up at Tsukki with furrowed brows. He paused for a moment, then released the breath he had apparently been holding.

“If that’s what you want.”

He had said that quietly, in almost a whisper. He gulped, before grabbing his boyfriend’s hand under the table. Tadashi didn't want to. It made him feel terrified. What if the bullies came back? What if they got made fun of? What if... What if the team made fun of them? But he had to push those thoughts away. Tsukki wanted to tell them, and deep down, past all those worries, he did too. 

”After school.”

…

”Breathe, Tadashi breathe. You’re going to be okay.”

Tadashi looked at Sugawara, still hyperventilating. He had already told Suga about them, and how they planned to tell the team in a mere 15 minutes. Another hot tear fell before Suga quickly wiped it away. His breathing was quickening, becoming increasingly shaker, his throat tightening. He was sobbing into Sugawara’s arms, his body becoming limp. After a few minutes, he began to calm a little, after many words of reassurance from the vice-captain. 

”Thank you.”

He whispered it shakily, but he was clearly feeling better than earlier. It was time.

“You know you don’t have to… You’re gonna be okay.”

“No. I want to. I owe it to him.”

…

A forced smile, then a real one. 

“Finally!”

“CUTE!”

“Congrats!”

They supported them. Yamaguchi was so relieved, he almost started crying of joy. He gripped Tsukki’s hand tighter as he listens to all the shouts of his teammates, the hugs and smiles from them all. To put Yama’s mind at rest, even more, Tsukki had even made them promise to not tell anyone, not on the team, which they had all agreed to, even Hinata, who was definitely not the best secret keeper around. 

They were surrounded by their teammates all practice, who kept asking questions over and over, some of which they refused to answer (Tanaka and Noya really got straight to the point.). it was calming to know that many people supported you, and it certainly helped Yamaguchi relax a little. _One less thing to worry about._

…

Yamaguchi’s phone buzzed on the bedside table that night, and the screen lit up. Tsukki leaned over to grab the phone and pass it to his boyfriend, the fuzzy phone case tickling his hand. Tsukishima looked down at the screen for a brief moment, before continuing to pass the phone over.

Sugawara 19:34  
Yamaguchi, are you feeling a bit better after earlier? I’m here for you if you need me :)

“Tadashi? What happened earlier?”

Yamaguchi’s heart fell, and his mind began to fog. Tsukishima wasn’t supposed to find out. He stumbled over his words for a moment before sighing.

“I had an attack at school.”

Now Tsukki’s heart fell, and he pulled Yamaguchi into a tight hug, then pushed him away and held him out by the shoulders. He looked him directly in his eyes, and rage began to take over.

“Who was it? Was someone bullying you again? Because I swear, if they were I’ll-“

“No.”

It was a quiet ‘No.’ but it still cut Tsukki off completely.

“I just got a bit nervous about telling everyone. I’m sorry.”

For the second time that minute, Tsukki’s heart fell again. It must be in his feet by now. This was all his fault. 

“No, don’t apologise. Tadashi, I’m so sorry.”

He pulled Yams into another bear hug, his long arms going full circle around Yamaguchi’s tiny waist. He rested his mouth by Tadashi’s ear, before whispering:

“Did… Did you feel pressured to?”

Unlike Yamaguchi, it was unusual for Tsukki to stutter, and Yamaguchi picked up on it. Tsukki was really upset. He was blaming himself.

“No! not at all! I wanted to tell them too… I just got a little overwhelmed and Suga helped me calm down.”

Yamaguchi felt Tsukki relax a little.

“Good. But please tell me next time okay? I don’t want you upset on your own.”

“don’t worry about me Tsukki.”

“Honey, it’s my job to worry about you.”

A small smile crept onto Tadashi’s face. 

“Honey?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Please leave a comment or kudos, they really make my day! Also, if you would like to proofread (early chapter access), get post notifications, or just chat, please dm me on my instagram: @jesss.co.uk


	20. a river away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thank you all so much for 1750 hits! i can’t believe my eyes every time i see that huge number... THANK YOU! i hope you like this chapter!

Chapter 19

Soon enough, Sunday, now known as date night, rolled around again. This time it was Tsukishima’s time to plan, which was something far out of his comfort zone. He had absolutely no idea what he was doing. The previous night he had spent hours lying awake trying to find a decent idea, but the most he had come up with was taking his boyfriend to a restaurant. The most basic, non-meaningful date idea ever. After the incredible date last week, the bar was set high, and Tsukishima simply couldn’t find anything to top it. Anything even CLOSE.

Eventually, he just decided to take Yamaguchi to a restaurant then the river that ran under their bridge. It wasn't the best idea, but it was the best he could come up with. He just really hoped it was enough for the person he loved more than anyone.

…

”Morning honey, ” Tsukishima said with a smile, his new nickname for Yamaguchi becoming regular. He ruffled Yamaguchi’s soft hair before getting up, much to Yama’s dismay. He sniffled a little, obviously still tired, and pulled the bedsheets of his futon back over his head, before his boyfriend promptly pulled them back off. 

”It’s a Sunday. I’m taking you somewhere, so get up.”

Yamaguchi’s face lit up as he realised what that meant. To him, Sunday’s meant spending all day with his favourite person, stolen kisses, and falling asleep in Tsukki’s arms. He couldn’t wait. Next thing he knew, he had leapt out of his futon, ignoring the cold air against his body, and was pulling on a yellow wooden sweater and a pair of black jeans. He quickly ran to the bathroom to brush his teeth and comb his bedhead, then ran back to Tsukki.

”Tadashi, I think that’s the quickest I’ve seen you get ready in years.” Tsukishima said, trying to mask the smile rising to his face. 

The two then walked downstairs, grabbed a granola bar each for breakfast and headed out, giddy on love. 

The second they left the house, Tadashi swooped up Kei’s hand, and laced their fingers together, feeling almost impressed at how soft Tsukki’s hands were. He smiled at Tsukki, who gave a small smile back.

”Sooooo… Where are we going?”

”Surprise.”

”Tsukkiiiiii…” Yamaguchi whined in protest.

”Shut up Yamaguchi!” 

”Sorry Tsukki.”

Yamaguchi pouted jokingly and soon began making wild guesses about where they could be going, while Tsukki mentally noted then all down. They were good ideas, and he wouldn’t let them go to waste. 

After a short walk, they arrived at the Café where Tsukishima was taking Yamaguchi for a proper breakfast, the one that Yamaguchi always said was his favourite. Tsukishima pulled open the door, letting the soft aroma escape slightly, before following Tadashi inside, pulling the door closed behind him. They got shown to their table, a small booth at the back corner, and they sat down. 

It was Tsukishima’s first time here, and he couldn’t help but admire the autumnal colours, and a warm environment inside. _No wonder it’s his favourite._ he thought to himself. He took off his burgundy fleece jacket, as it was rather warm inside, and lay down next to his leg. Tadashi was smiling vividly, as he already knew what to order, and he knew just how much he would enjoy eating it. It was his favourite for a reason after all. Lei picked up the menu on the table and quickly scanned it, before finding something he thought looked quite nice, and calling over a waiter. 

”Are you ready to order?” the waiter asked, with their most profession voice.

The boys nodded, and pointed out on the menu what they would like, before the waiter began scribbling down their order, thanked them, then left to the kitchen. 

Tadashi sighed in joy, then grabbed Tsukki’s hand over the table.

”Thank you Tsukki. I needed this.”

Kei blushed, before nodding slightly, and smiled. It really was a nice morning out. 

Soon the boys began talking, and laughing, and having a good time eating their meals, and the feeling of love slowly taking over. Tsukki couldn’t help but smile at Yamaguchi, his freckles, his blush, his bouncy green hair, his everything. He would never admit how lucky he felt to have the smaller boy. 

…

Now walking hand in hand smiles across both of their faces, they began to stroll towards the river, much to Tadashi’s unawareness. As they took the turning which separated the path between the way home and the way to their special place, Tadashi’s eyebrows furrowed.

”Tsukki… That isn’t the way home…”

”I know honey.”

It took a moment for Yams to realise where they were going, but when he did, he leapt into a hug from Kei, who stumbled back slightly.

”Thank you Tsukki!”

They walked the rest of the way there sharing AirPods and listening to music, some of Yamaguchi’s songs and some of Tsukki’s. 

“You know, we should really get a playlist just for us…” Yamaguchi said, more to himself than Tsukishima. 

Tsukki nodded in agreement, and they both continued walking.

Soon enough, they arrived at the river, the leaves falling around them. Kei felt the ground with his hand to see if it was dry, then sat down, leaning back on his elbow, patting the grass next to him to indicate for Tadashi to sit too. Tadashi sat for a moment, then decided against it, and lay against Kei, his head resting on the bend in Tsukki’s arm. Tsukki leant so his face was now above Yama’s, and cupped his cheek with his free hand, the beetroot red blush on both their faces deepening. Kei licked his lips slightly, as the cold had dried them out before he moved down so his face was centimetres from his boyfriend’s. 

Tsukishima heard Yamaguchi’s breathing falter slightly as he did this, and he smiled slightly. It warmed his heart. 

Following suit, Yamaguchi quickly kicked his lips, before Kei moved the final centimetre to make their lips meet. Their eyes closed, and the world around them melted away. Yamaguchi’s hand moved to the back of Tsukki’s head, and he ruffled through his hair. Yamaguchi opened his mouth a little more to deepen the kiss, with Tsukki doing the same. This was by far one of the best moments of Tadashi Yamaguchi’s life. It was weird, the way the universe disappears from view, the moment Tsukki’s lips hit his. The taste of strawberries returned to Tadashi’s tastebuds, before Tsukki pulled away, still red as a tomato. 

The taste lingered for a moment, as they gazed into the eyes of each other in wonderment. 

Tadashi lay for a little while, before slowly falling asleep in Tsukki’s arms. 

”Tadashi, ” Tsukki whispered while gently shaking him. ”We need to go now.”

He opened his eyes groggy, before Tsukki scooped him up bridal style, and put him onto his feet. They laced their fingers together and began to walk home. 

”I think we should tell my parents. About us. And that you got kicked out. I think they need to know that you will be living with us instead of just staying for a few weeks.”

Tadashi stopped walking and looked at his boyfriend. This was a bombshell for him, and he didn’t quite know exactly what to say. 

His nervous stutter returned as he said, ”W-we can t-tell them about us i-if you want, b-but I don’t think I’m r-ready to tell them the r-rest.”

He gripped Tsukki’s hand tighter, and Tsukki returned it. Kei planted a small kiss on Yamaguchi’s forehead, before whispering, ”Okay.” Into his ear. 

They hugged, and carried on strolling home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! i really hope you all loved this chapter as much as i did! please leave a comment or kudos, they really make my day! also i made a really bad fanart for this chapter, so please check that out on my instagram: @jesss.co.uk 
> 
> please dm me on there for any questions, if you noticed any errors, if you’d like chapter reminders, or if you’d just like a chat :)


	21. LITTLE PSA

HI OH MY GOD GUYS IM SO SORRY! I HAD TO TAKE A SMALL BREAK BC OF MENTAL HEALTH REASONS (unfortunately i am still on said break) BUT I HAVE NOT QUIT THIS BOOK! I PROMISE YOU ALL I WILL BE BACK SOON, AND PREPARE FOR MORE ANGST AND MORE FLUFF THAN YOUR HEARTS CAN HANDLE!

-author, Jay


	22. An accidental truth serum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm back from my break! mentally im feeling a little better now so i thought i should start writing again! On good timing too, HAPPY BIRTHDAY YAMAGUCHI!
> 
> CHAPTER WARNINGS:  
> crying
> 
> Also I'm sorry this is a shorter chapter, but there will be better chapters soon so don't worry! Also to everyone who has left nice comments, thank you so much! you have no idea how happy they make me, so thanks! enjoy this chapter!

Chapter 20

“How do you want to tell them?”

It was the next morning, and Kei was trying to plan telling his parents. He needed it to be perfect. Because after all, this was his coming out to his parents, and the announcement that him and his childhood best friend were now dating. It was a lot of pressure, and he couldn’t help feeling on edge about it. He knew Yamaguchi wasn’t confident about telling them either, so he thought it’d be best to plan as much as they could. 

“Dinner?”

Yamaguchi thought for a moment then nodded. It seemed right to him, and if anything his biggest concern was that Tsukki wouldn’t be accepted. It didn’t matter to Tadashi whether him and Tsukki were “allowed” to be together, because they could always just pretend, because after all, they’ve managed to for the past few weeks. But if the same thing happened to Tsukki that happened to Yamaguchi, then neither of them would have anywhere to go. they’d both be on the streets. It was a scary thought to say the least.

”Tadashi? You’ve been staring at that curtain for at least five minutes.”

Yams jolted a little. He hadn’t even realised.

”Sorry Tsukki.”

Kei couldn’t help but notice that his boyfriend was on edge. The way his knee bounced, and he had been spacing out a lot more recently. He grabbed Tadashi’s arm and rubbed his thumb across the flesh. He was never good with words, always better with actions. He shot a worried look at the smaller boy, before sighing.

”What’s wrong, Tadashi?”

”Nothing.”

_Damn it, I answered too quick._ Tadashi though to himself. Unfortunately for Yamaguchi, Tsukki picked up on it and his brows furrowed further. He gripped Tadashi’s arm tighter, before moving his hand up to his freckled cheek, cupping it. 

”No, something is wrong. I’m worried about you, Yams.”

Tadashi gulped and bit his lip. He couldn’t tell Tsukki about what happened that night with the moon. He couldn’t tell Tsukki how worried for him he was. 

”I’m sorry… I just- I have something to tell you.”

As he said this, his own eyes widened at his words. He couldn’t believe what he had just said. Now Tadashi didn’t have a choice. He was going to have to tell Tsukki. 

But first, he pulled Kei into a tight hug. He needed to feel that one more time.

”It’s a-about the night I got kicked out. They d-didn’t just find my diary. I… um… I was crying. And they kinda saw and then heard what I was saying and they hit me more and then he had a knife and-”

Tsukki cut him off. Tadashi was shaking, the flashbacks becoming powerful, and Tsukki pulled him into another hug, letting his boyfriend collapse into his arms. He rubbed his hand across Tadashi’s limp body, doing his best to protect him. What Yamaguchi had said made absolutely no sense, but even the blonde could tell it was serious. He felt the smaller boy begin to sob into his arms, muttering choked ’I’m sorry’s and ‘I love you’ s. Tsukki pressed his lips against Tadashi’s head, and continued to hug him. 

“I don’t know what’s going on, but I love you. No matter what.”

…

Tsukki had no idea how long he was standing there with his boyfriend entwined among his arms, tears flowing from Tadashi’s eyes. But slowly, Yamaguchi told him everything. 

Tsukki didn’t know what to say. How was he supposed to react to all this? He just stood, comforting his friend as the memories all rushed back to Tadashi. By now his shirt was soaked with tears, and Yamaguchi was trembling under his grip. 

He tried to open his mouth, but no words came out. He closed it again. 

“Tsukki? S-say something.”

”Tsukki… They terrify me.”

Tsukki knew he couldn’t just say nothing. It wasn’t fair for Yamaguchi.

He took a deep breath.

”Tadashi… I won’t let them come near you again.” Tsukki’s lip trembled as he continued. After a short pause, he whispered in his boyfriends ear.

”Tadashi. I know you. I know what your thinking. I don’t love you any less.”

The smaller boy clutched at his boyfriend tighter, as that was _exactly_ what he was worried about. 

In a feeble attempt to calm down, Yamaguchi tried to match his breathing to Tsukki’s, before looking up at him. His eyes were sad. Pained. In need of love. 

”Do you want a kiss?”

It was Tsukki who asked. Yamaguchi nodded eagerly, knowing he needed some form of normalcy right now, even if that normalcy was Tsukishima’s lips pressed against his. He needed it. He wanted it.

A soft kiss pressed against his lips, and he kissed back, almost everything else dissolving into nothingness. It was refreshing as such, but it didn’t take away the ache in his chest. He knew deep down that that feeling never truly goes away. Not for him, at least.

They pulled away, that familiar taste lingering on his lips. 

“if they do anything more, we’ll tell the police. Okay honey?”

Tadashi smally nodded, a slight smile appearing on his face, however the familiar salty tears still were on the brink of falling.

“You still want to tell my parents?”

He nodded once again, and smiled reassuringly. He didn’t want to be the thing that stopped his boyfriend from coming out. That was just cruel.

“I t-think i’ll be o-okay.”

Tsukki smiled at the shorter boy, and pulled him into a hug, before whispering, ”Thank you.” Into Yama’s ear. He kissed each freckle on Yamaguchi’s cheeks, then one on his lips, giggling between them. It really did help Yamaguchi cheer up. 

Yamaguchi looked up, then quietly spoke,

”Thank you Kei. I love you **bubs**.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! HAPPY BIRTHDAY YAMAGUCHI! please leave a kudos or comment, they really make my day! and i hope you enjoy this chapter!


	23. Nerves are easy to put at ease

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO GUYS! I'm back with my regular posting schedule! Finally I know! I'm so sorry for taking the break but writing began to feel a little like a chore, so I decided it would be for the best. BUT IM BACK! so enjoy this chapter!
> 
> disclaimer: i check this book for errors myself, so there’s a high possibility there will be errors! please let me know in he comments and i’ll make sure to edit it asap! :)
> 
> ALSO LITTLE PSA: as I'm a minor, I will not be added smut to this story. HOWEVER, after you have read this chapter, you will see I'm not opposed to passion ;)
> 
> CHAPTER WARNINGS  
> coming out

“So. Tonight’s the night then, huh.”

It was now Tuesday, the night the two boys had selected for the big meal. Both of Tsukki’s parents were home, and they didn’t have practice that day so they would have time to prepare. Truth be told, Tsukishima Kei was absolutely petrified, understandably, even though he would never admit it. After all, coming out is really nerve-wracking. 

“I guess so.”

Tadashi was nervous too, but more for Kei than for himself. He shot a worried glance at his boyfriend, who was visibly anxious at this point, and grabbed his hand, pressing a chaste kiss to his fingers.

“Kei, it’s gonna be fine.”

The green hair on Tadashi’s head bobbled as he nodded, and Tsukki let out a small giggle. If there was one person who he’d want to do this with, it would be Tadashi. He bit his lip, then took a deep breath. He wiped any nervous tears from his eyes, then walked to his brother's room.

Of course, Akiteru already knew the whole situation, so Kei wouldn’t be coming out to him, so there was no harm in letting him know his plan. Except for that fact, Kei didn’t really _have_ a plan. He guessed he’d just say it.

“Uhm, Aki?”

“Could it be? Are you… Talking to me?” his brother said in a sarcastic tone. It was a very common trait in the Tsukishima family it seemed.

“Shut up. I’m telling them today. Mom and dad.”

Those words were hard enough to say as it is, and he couldn’t imagine how he’d feel later. Akiteru stared, confused for a moment, before realising and pulling his brother into a tight hug. At least Akiteru and Tadashi supported him. Right?

…

“Boys! Dinner!” Mrs Tsukishima called from downstairs, her voice echoing up the stairs. 

Tsukki flinched.

Tadashi looked worriedly at the boy beside him on the bed, the show they were watching still playing in the background. Tadashi had never seen Tsukki so scared before. So _vulnerable_. Not since… the incident. He pushed those thoughts out of his mind. At this moment, he needed to comfort the blonde, not worry him further. 

He quickly cupped the blondes cheeks, his warm hands clashing against the cold cheeks. 

“You’re gonna be fine. I love you.”

He pressed a quick kiss to the bigger boy’s forehead, then they walked downstairs, pinky fingers intertwined.

They had to stop on the stairs to calm down a little, catching up on breathing. This was it. This was the potentially life-changing moment of coming out. A thing Tsukki had been terrified of for an awfully long time now. And although he didn’t show it, he was more anxious than he had ever been before. He quickly rubbed at his eyes in an attempt to stop the tears pricking his eyes, and continued walking downstairs. 

Pinkies now released, they sat down at the dinner table, side by side as usual. The meal that night was a nice one thankfully, some grilled fish and rice, that smelled amazing. It was calming.

”So boys, how was school today?” Mrs Tsukishima asked, in her polite and cheerful voice.

The couple shared a quick glance, with Tsukki silently pleading that his boyfriend would make small talk until he was ready. Thankfully, he understood and Tadashi answered uncertainly. 

”It was okay. We had…”

The sound of the melodic voice talking soon got drowned out by Kei’s worries, the ’what if’s’ and ’how’s’ running through his mind, rebounding from side to side. He didn’t even notice when his boyfriend's hand curled around his under the table. He couldn’t help but think the worst. The thoughts haunted him. He briefly considered pulling Tadashi away and telling him to call it off, but he quickly dismissed that thought. He wanted to do this, didn’t he? Right?

”Kei are you feeling alright? You seem quieter than usual and you've gone a little pale.”

Tsukki was pulled out of his thoughts with a jump at his father’s voice. He gulped.

”Y-yeah I’m fine… I need to tell you something.”

After this sentence, Kei’s hand flew to his mouth in shock. He wasn’t ready, he shouldn’t have said that, it’s all going to go so badly, oh my God. All the panic flew back into his throat.

It was rare for Kei to stumble on his words, but when he did, his parents knew things were serious, and their faces reflected this emotion. 

For a long moment, Tsukki turned to his boyfriend and looked for help. He didn’t know what to do, what to say, what to feel.his breaths became slightly faster, and he could feel his heart beating out of his chest, and if the sounds of his quick breathing weren’t there, he’d be sure they could all hear it. 

”I-”

He couldn’t speak properly. 

”I’m…

”Your what, Kei.”

And for the first time, he told his parents something very important.

”I’m gay,”

The resounding silence around the table was thick, and it lasted for several moments before Tsukki continued.

”and I and Tadashi are together.”

He looked at Tadashi, hands still clutched under the table. The few seconds of silence were some of the most nerve-wracking seconds of his life.

”Kei you had me worried for a second there. I thought you’d done something bad!” his mother said, a smile and a chuckle following. 

His dad reached over and patted his son on the shoulder, a smile on. his face too. 

Kei was confused, to say the least. His mouth gaped open, his eyes filled with tears. Happy tears.

”S-so is it okay? A-are we okay?”

His parents shot him a confused look before chuckling, saying

”Of course! Just… Be safe if you know what I mean.”

That was a moment of relief for the boys. Well, until the end comment, where both of their faces turned a shade of red neither had seen before. Kei angrily glared at his parents for a brief period of time, before they continued eating.

”Oh and Kei? And you Tadashi? We’re both very proud of you for telling us.”

They both bowed their heads in thanks, before finally, after a few long weeks of hiding it, they placed their interlocked hands on the table. In view. 

A silent _I love you._

…

That night, instead of the usual futon for Tadashi, the two opted for sharing the bed. It would be nice to just snuggle for a while after the evening's events, and that’s exactly what they did.

”Why are you so cold?”

Tadashi looked up at his boyfriend, slightly confused. He didn’t _feel_ cold…

”Here.”

And before he knew it, Kei was wrapping Tadashi up in one of his hoodies, snaking his arms around the smaller boy’s body, and spooning him. 

Tadashi didn’t quite know how to react. This was new. He definitely liked it, that much he knew, and he could definitely tell Kei liked it too based off of the contented sighs. He could feel Kei’s breath against his neck, which sent shivers down his spine. Soon enough, the pinch server melted into the cuddle, certainly much warmer and much happier than before. He could smell Kei all over the hoodie he was wearing, and it made butterflies rise to his stomach, even thigh they had been dating for what feels like forever to him. He hadn’t even noticed the hoodie was Kei’s, but when he did, he turned his head slightly and placed a small kiss on Kei’s cheek, making him blush. ’Cute’ he thought.

”Can we try something?”

Tadashi nodded, curiously.

”Just let me know if it gets too much.”

Now, the larger man leaned over and kissed Tadashi, however this time on the lips, his strawberry taste more satisfying than ever before. This was going to be good. The first of many was gentle and soft, but they progressed smoothly to become more passionate. Deeper than ever before, more enjoyable than ever before and more loving than ever before. Even better than the time at the river. Their lips were parted, and Tadashi was being pushed down into the mattress, with Kei very almost on top of him. Which definitely wasn’t a bad thing as far as they were concerned. Tadashi couldn’t even think about anything else except the hand in his own, the hand in his hair, ruffling it about, their knees which were touching, the rough lips pressed against his own. Eventually, though, they were forced to stop, as they both needed to get some breath. Tadashi was full-on panting, drunk on love, while Kei collapsed back onto the bed. Still clutching Tadashi’s hand.

”Warmer?”

”Definitely. Tonight went well in more ways than one.”

”Yeah, I guess it did.”

”I love you Kei.”

”I love you more.”

Then, almost as if the past 20 minutes of bliss had never occurred, they resumed their cuddle, with Tadashi as little spoon and Kei as the big spoon. They fell asleep like that, curled up in each other’s arms.

Everything was okay.

Everything was perfect.

And as long as they were together, it would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I hoped you enjoyed! The next chapter should be out in around two days time, so sit tight! Also if you are interested in seeing my fanart for this fic, chatting to me, or in chapter notifications, please dm me on my instagram: jesss.co.uk :) 
> 
> also please leave a comment or kudos, they really make my day!
> 
> -Jay ☆*:.｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆


	24. A secret that should never have been kept

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm so sorry for the chapter being late! I had a rough night last night and didn't think writing was top priority. HOWEVER, it's here now! I really dislike how this has been written so I'm sorry in advance, but I promise things will be getting more exiting from here on out!
> 
> TW:  
> Panic attacks (SKIP FROM THE START OF THE NIGHT TO THE END)
> 
> Thank all so much for reading, I love to see you all here!

”Tadashi. It’s morning.”

The alarm clock in the corner of their room was ringing, displaying the time (7 AM) in flashing green lights. Groggily, Tadashi opened his eyes, an annoyed look on his face, which soon melted to a content one when he realised they were still cuddling. He could feel Kei’s chest pressed against his back, and it was nice and warm. He snuggled back into his boyfriend, rolling over and nuzzling his face into Kei’s chest.

“Tadashi. We need to get up.”

The smaller boy grumbled in protest and clung to his boyfriend even more. But alas, they did actually need to get up, so Kei scooped him up bridal style and set him on his feet, much to Tadashi’s dismay. 

“Hey! What was that for?!”

“You needed to get up. And you weren’t. So I made you.”

Tadashi pouted, but soon began to find his uniform, and put it on. Thankfully, a few weeks back when his parents weren’t in, Tadashi went with Kei to get his things from his old house, so he no longer had to wear the oversized clothes of Kei’s uniform. But to be honest, he didn’t dislike it that much. 

Once they were both changed and ready, they headed downstairs for breakfast, hand in hand. It was still awkward after last nights meal, and they both were still a little anxious that his parents would change their mind or something, as irrational as it is. Thankfully, this didn’t happen, and after a granola bar, they left for school. 

…

Just after lunch that day, something began toying on Kei’s mind. Of course, he’d knew the whole time that he would have to tell his parents that Yamaguchi’s mother and father weren’t ACTUALLY in a foreign country for a sick relative and that Yamaguchi had been kicked out. It had been a month now, and even Tsukki’s parents were beginning to get a little suspicious. And somewhere deep in his mind, Kei couldn’t help but think ‘What if my parents don’t let him stay?’, and that slowly began to eat him alive, Because if Tadashi couldn’t stay, then where would he go? Would court send him back with _them_? Would he be forced to get tons of jobs to pay rent? Would he just be homeless? Would he have to sneak into Kei’s house every night to sleep? Those thoughts were terrifying, but he knew he couldn’t just NOT tell his parents… What to do? What to do?

”Tsukishima? The answer to 9.?”

He’d been so spaced out, he didn’t even know they were supposed to be doing a worksheet. Thankfully though, it was math, a subject he excelled at, and he mentally worked out the answer before submitting it to his teacher, who looked just as surprised as he did when he got it correct. Now, back to thinking.

He supposed he’d have to talk about it with Tadashi later because he supposed this was the kind of worry your partner should know about. Particularly if they’re the cause. He didn’t want to, not at all, because Tadashi had been quite adamant that he didn’t want them to know. But there’s nothing that can be done other than telling them. 

Truth be told, Yamaguchi was also worried. That’s why he’d been so persistent in keeping the secret. Because after all, if it didn’t go well, and he couldn’t stay, then what would happen? He wasn’t ready to open up about the abuse, not yet, and he could only just imagine opening up about the moon incident. But with no explanation for why he’s so scared of his childhood parents, he could be sent back. Back there. And that thought worried him like nothing else. After all those years, he’d finally escaped, and the thought of returning would be worse. Heck, it’d be worse than before. Because now they know he’s gay, they’d probably find out about Tsukki and then they might try to hurt him too. And even after all these years of Kei vowing to protect the smaller boy, Tadashi would sacrifice himself for him a thousand times over. A _million_ times over.

To Tadashi, he would put off telling them as long as possible. He couldn’t bare it.

…

It was now 4 pm, and the two boys were later across each other watching a dinosaur documentary on the television. It was Kei’s favourite, and he waits every week for a new episode to come out. But tonight, he didn’t find himself enjoying it much. There was too much on his mind. He slowly peeled himself from under Tadashi and paused the show. 

“Why did you pause it?”

Kei sighed. He really didn’t want to do this.

“I think we need to tell my parents why you’re here.”

Tadashi breath faltered slightly, and Kei felt the small body tense up. He glanced upwards, momentarily locking eyes, before averting his gaze. 

“I don’t want to.”

Kei could here the nerves in Tadashi’s voice. He almost sounded scared. The silence around the boys was thick, so Kei broke it.

“Honey… I don’t think we have another choice anymore.”

Tadashi knew it was true. There was no arguing. He just nodded.

“Next week.”

Kei hummed in agreement before hugging his boyfriend close. He ruffled the mess of green hair on his head, and he felt the small boy shiver at the touch, before sighing. He leaned over, still clinging, and pressed resume show.

…

(Timeskip to the night)

Tadashi awoke, face wet with tears, body quivering. His breaths were in rapid succession and his throat felt like it was closed shut. This was his first night attack in months. He fumbled out of his futon in the pitch black, hardly able to stand. The room felt as it was closing in. he tried to breathe normally to no avail, and quickly began to try to find Tsukki. Once he found the boy, on the other side of the bed, he knelt next to him and shook him awake.

“Kei? Kei, please. Kei can you hear me?”

The muffled voice slowly became clearer as Kei awoke before he realised what was happening and his eyes snapped open. He grabbed his glasses and pulled the fragile boy down into a hug. He didn’t know what was happening, but what he did know was that this was another attack. 

“Hey, honey. Breathe. I’m not good at this but breathe with me.”

Tadashi tried, and eventually, it began to work, but the resounding fear didn’t leave. 

Once Yams was calmer, Kei tentatively wiped away his tears.

“what’s wrong?”

Tadashi’s mind went blank. What was the nightmare he just had? He couldn’t recall. What he could recall was limited, and it was mainly Kei towering over him. Hitting him. Just like his parents used to. And like always he just let it happen.

“Bad dream. You just started hurting me like my parents and I broke… that’s all I can remember.”

At those words, Kei clutched Tadashi tighter, pulling the duvet over them. Then he held the freckled face out in front of him and looked him directly in the eyes.

“I would never. Remember when I promised to protect you? I don’t lie.”

Tadashi leant forward slightly, before hesitating, waiting for an invitation. A quick nod, and then a soft kiss was on his lips. It was comforting. 

“I love you, honey.”

“I love you, bubs.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please leave a comment or a kudos if you'd like, they really mean the world! Also, I would really like some feedback on how I'm portraying the characters. Do you think they're canon enough? 
> 
> Also, for my fanart, please check out my Instagram: frogsinfishnets
> 
> That account was only started at the time of posting, so please drop a follow on there!
> 
> My dms are always open so if you'd like chapter notifications, help with anything, or just a chat just drop in a dm! 
> 
> Love you all :)


	25. A perfect sunday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this is late! But I hope y'all managed the wait cause this chapter gets... Fun 😏 (NO SMUT THOUGH THEY ARE STILL MINORS AT THIS POINT)
> 
> ALSO IDEK WHEN I HIT 2000 BUT IM NOW ON 2300 HITS SO THANK YOU SO MUCH
> 
> Sooooooo... enjoy fluffy fic while you can :)
> 
> CHAPTER WARNINGS:  
> none (that i know of)
> 
> enjoy! :D

They never spoke of that night the next day. 

Soon, the long-awaited Sunday rolled around again. This week was Kei’s week, and he had something special planned.

“Keiiiiiiiiii!” Tadashi whined, his hair stuck up in all directions after the night’s sleep. “I’m colddddddd”

Kei opened his eyes, only now waking up properly, and put on his glasses. 

“Well, you are in t-shirt and shorts.” Kei deadpanned.

Tadashi’s heart thumped as he prepared the next question. Although they’d been dating for a good few weeks now, Kei never failed to make his heartbeat so hard it feels as if it will fall out.

“Can I have a hoodie?”

Kei nodded and threw a worn hoodie of Tadashi’s to him. However, Tadashi shook his head and threw it back.

“Yours?”

Kei chuckled a little, smirking, before pulling off the hoodie he was wearing, exposing his bare chest. Tadashi almost screamed. It wasn’t like they didn’t see each other get changed for practise every day, but this event was deliberate. In wonderment, Tadashi’s eyes glazed down Kei’s body, focusing on each small curve. His mind probably wandered too far, before Kei snapped him out of it.

“Earth to Tadashi.”

“AH, SORRY, sorry!” Tadashi said, face a deep pink. It was scary how Kei could still make him flustered even after they started dating. He looked down at the hoodie now in his hands, and quickly put it on before it lost its warmth. _God, it smells like him._

“Aren’t you gonna be cold now?” Tadashi said, really hoping Kei was thinking the same thing as him.

“Not for long,” Kei said, before promptly pulling Tadashi into the bed, under the covers.

Tadashi was now pressed up against a wall of smooth skin, and he was so shocked he nearly cried. Of joy, of course. He ran his hands across the side of Kei’s body, before draping his arm over the other boy’s waist, pulling him into a cuddle. He pulled the blanket further over them, to maintain warmth, the nuzzled into Kei’s chest once more, the smell of strawberry and cheap cologne all over him. His other hand began to roam around Kei’s chest, tracings slowly along the lines of his stomach.

“Tadashi? What are you doing?”

He pulled his hand back quickly and began to panic a little. God, what was he doing? He should’ve asked Kei, and how he’s made him uncomfortable! Damn it Tadashi!

“Ah, of course, I’m so sorry Kei, I won’t do it again, I’m sorry-“ he said, rambling because of nerves.

Kei cut him off, seeing how panicked the small figure was. 

“No. Carry on.” He said insistently and placed Tadashi’s hand back where it was before. 

“I liked it.”

Tadashi gave a small smile, before continuing. He then reached up and ran his fingers through Kei’s bed head, before leaning in for a small kiss. The perfect way to start a Sunday.

…

“~Keiiiiii! Where are we going?~” Tadashi said in a sing-song voice, happily skipping along beside his boyfriend, hands swinging whilst interlocked. 

“Surprise.” Kei deadpanned.

“Keiiiii!!!” Tadashi whined in protest but soon continued skipping along with no more questions.

Soon enough, they arrived at a small bookstore with a café in the back, with endless rows of books lining the walls. As Tadashi realised where they were going, his eyes lit up. He never had much time to read in his old home, and in his new one he tended to spend every moment worrying, and he saw this as a rare moment of peace. 

He pulled Kei into the shop, almost running in excitement, a smile spread wide across his freckled face. Kei stumbled after him, concealing a chuckle at how cute Tadashi was. 

They spent all afternoon skimming through various books, laying next to each other in the café, with a pumpkin spiced latte for Tadashi and a lemon tea for Kei. It was very peaceful, just like Yamaguchi had hoped, and he’d decided to buy a few books too, although when he tried to pay, Kei interjected and paid instead, despite Tadashi insisting he could pay himself with the money he made from odd shifts at Ukai’s. 

When they left, it was almost night, the orangey hues of the sunset still lingering on the horizon, with a chilly breeze sweeping around. They walked home slowly, strolling along with their arms linked, blushes lacing each of their faces. They walked in comfortable silence, taking in their surroundings before words were spoken.

“Kei?”

“Mmph?”

“Why did you choose me?”

“Why? Because you’re you. Everything about you is just perfect. it’s- hard to explain.”

Tadashi chuckled, before pulling Kei into a soft kiss, mumbling ‘I love you’s’ into the taller boys lips. Arms wrapped around each other’s waists, eyes full of love, but reluctantly, they resisted another kiss.

“We’re in public Tadashi. When we get home, kay?”

Despite the disappointment from the kisses ending early, Tadashi nodded. Being gay might not be illegal, but it still wasn’t popular. 

“Well come on then!” Tadashi said, running while pulling at Kei’s arm. Kei chuckled slightly, then began running after him.

The moment the bedroom door shut behind them, their lips were pressed together, their tongues brushing against each other’s, their tastes of strawberries and cinnamon colliding. Tadashi had Kei pressed against their door, tugging at his shirt to make him come low enough for the smaller boy to reach.

“God I love you Tadashi-“ Kei mumbled, mid-kiss. His eyes trailed along Tadashi’s cheekbones, watching as his blush became deeper before he closed his eyes as the kiss got more intense again. He rubbed his hands through Tadashi’s hair, as Tadashi’s traced his chest just like the morning. Kei hummed in bliss, as he felt his cheeks heat up before Tadashi pushed him even more against the door. It was very lucky Akiteru wasn’t home, or else the body against the door would’ve been rather loud. The whole sensation of this was new to Kei, who had always taken the lead in things like this, but he didn’t particularly dislike this. It was nice being the one under control for once. 

Tadashi pulled away for air, a smirk on his face, a smirk in which Kei had to act upon. Now the roles were reversed, and all of a sudden it was Tadashi pinned against the bed, the kiss even more intense than previously. After a few minutes of loving kisses, and hums of joy, Kei flopped back onto the bed next to his boyfriend, panting at the lack of air. They held hands once more, Tadashi’s smaller palm being clasped by Kei’s. They were both sweating a little, but neither minded. After all, whatever it was they just shared, it was amazing for both of them.

“Kei- you were- incredible-“ Tadashi said, still gasping for air.

“You- were- too.” His boyfriend followed.

“A Perfect- Sunday-“

And everything was perfect then. Until it wasn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah. that’s the end of the fluff for now people! it’s angst time now! i hope you enjoyed this chapter, and as always, i appreciate any kudos or comments hugely! my art instagram, @frogsinfishnets, is open, although there are no posts as of time published, however there will be soon, so stay tuned!
> 
> love yall :3


	26. Kei, they're taking me away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Welcome back! THANK YALL SO MUCH FOR 2500 HITS! MY GOAL WAS LIKE TWO HUNDRED SO IM SO HONOURED!!!! 
> 
> I apologise wholeheartedly for this chapter. The next few are even more angsty.
> 
> CHAPTER WARNINGS:  
> Panic attacks   
> Mentions of threat  
> Terror  
> Implications of possible death

Tadashi wasn’t sure when he began to feel uneasy the next morning. His instincts were telling him something was going to go wrong. Very, very wrong. He could feel a pit in his stomach, but he pushed his feelings aside. After all, it wasn’t like he’d never felt like this before. It was just an off day. Or at least that’s what he tried to convince himself. This, however, didn’t stop his morning hugs from Kei, or his handmade bento from being any less amazing.

But when he got to practice, everything intensified. He was on the verge of a panic attack in the club room before Kei found him.

”Tadashi, Suga sent me to- oh my God.” He trailed off, seeing Tadashi’s whole torso shaking for no apparent reason. Tadashi leapt at Kei, wrapping his arms around the larger boy in a tight hug. Kei returned the hug gently, rubbing his boyfriend’s back as he tried not to cry, muttering little ’shhh’s and ’it’s gonna be okay’s. 

After a few minutes, and once Tadashi was calmer, Kei held the smaller boy out by his shoulders, cupping the boy’s cheek with his spare hand.

”Honey? What’s wrong?”

Stuttering, Tadashi responded, ”J-just a b-bad feeling about t-today. It’s a l-little overwhelming I g-guess.”

Pressing a kiss against the freckled forehead, Kei whispered words of reassurance, though they didn’t help Tadashi much, if at all. Tadashi pulled away, then walked to the gym.

He was aware of the eyes staring at him as he entered the gym, and it made him even more uneasy, but he continued to his seat. 

He watched the guys practice for a while, cheering them on despite not feeling cheery at all. He tried to practice a few jump floats, but he was too out of it to succeed. He kept missing, by just enough that someone (usually Noya) received or that it was out altogether. It sucked for him too, because if can’t do his speciality, then what can he do? It didn’t exactly help his mood, so ultimately he nervously asked Suga to ask Ukai if he could leave early. Thankfully, he was dismissed, and he mouthed ‘I’m going home. See you later.’ To Kei as he left the gym.

Being alone was refreshing, and the brisk breeze gave him chills, even though he was wearing his jacket now. But after all, it was November, so there was little that could be done. 

As he approached Kei’s home, he could see strange footprints near the gate. Heels. Kei’s mother hated heels, and always spoke about how uncomfortable they were, so he doubted the footprints were hers, but she hadn’t told him they would be having visitors. Strange.

As he walked nearer to the door, a very unnervingly familiar smell hit his nose for a brief moment. Almost like lilies. Almost like his own mother’s perfume. Almost like the exact perfume she used when she wore her more extravagant outfits that Tadashi was sure they couldn’t afford, the ones with the big dresses, and tall heels, and oh.

The footprints. 

Tadashi had already knocked on the door, but he already knew who would answer it. His heart began to race, his palms became sweaty. Kei’s parents didn’t know. He’d get sent back. What if…? He couldn’t bear to think about it. 

As the door creaked open, time slowed. He thought he’d escaped this. Didn’t they say the never wanted to see him again? Why are they here? _They’ve found out about me and Kei._ And in that small moment of realisation, all the threats he’d received if they were to find out its true… and now… they KNOW.

“Tadashi! Where’s Kei?” Thankfully, it was Kei’s mother who opened the door, and he hoped, for a brief moment he’d imagined it all. “Never mind that. Your parents came to pick you up! I called them earlier and must have forgotten to tell you, sorry about that! But come in, come in.”

Hope, dashed. Fear, taking over. Adrenaline, ready.

He took a step inside, desperately trying to contain his fear. He couldn’t believe this was happening. 

The last month of staying in Kei’s home was the first month of his life he’d felt safe, and now he had to give it up again. 

There, sitting in the living room, their faces with the façade of innocence, was his ’mother’ and ’father’. As predicted, his ’mother’ was dressed up, and his ’father’ was in a tailored suit. He didn’t even realise how expensive that must have been, and how there was no way they could afford it, because all he could see was the anger in their eyes. Like a raging flame, ready to spread, it flickered in excitement as it saw the boy. 

Tadashi tried to contain his terror. He truly did. But the moment he set foot in that room, he was fully aware of how his ‘parents’ knew how scared he was. 

“Hello, Tadashi.” His ’father’s’ voice boomed throughout the living room, causing the small, fragile boy to flinch. The last time he’d heard that voice… he shuddered at the thought.

Tadashi nodded in response, before mumbling something about getting his things, and running upstairs. 

As he turned around the corner into Kei’s room, he locked the door behind him, and barricaded it for extra safety. 

By now, his entire body was shaking and his breathing was fast and irregular. His ears began to ring, and he soon began to feel as if the walls around him were closing in, flashback after flashback after flashback of memories. 

He frantically pulled out his phone, fumbling with the passcode as he unlocked it. Kei, oh Kei. He opened messages.

To: Kei ٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶

Kei

Kei please help

Answer please

My parents are here

They’re trying to take me away

Kei I don’t know what to do

i’m so scared

I can’t breathe

they’re gonna hurt me again

just know I really really love you

even if you don’t see me again because who knows what they might do

promise to keep yourself safe

I love you bubs.

I really hope i’ll see you soon.

and just in case you don’t find me, don’t blame yourself

I love you kei. 

Tadashi sobbed as he wrote those, his hands shaking as he typed the words. He didn’t want to think about not seeing Kei again, but realistically…

He dialled Kei’s number in a final attempt to reach him. The dialling tone was irritating now, but Tadashi received no answer. He instead opted for a voicemail.

“Hey my love. Kei. My parents are here. Yeah. So um, if I don’t see you again, thank you for giving me the best month of my life. I love you bubs. Forever.”

Tadashi tried to ignore how broken he sounded in that message. 

He hastily changed clothes, wearing two hoodies for protection, and tied one of Kei’s many pairs of shoelaces around his wrist. A good luck charm, because the small, quivering, fragile, freckled boy needed all the luck he could get.

He threw a couple of his possessions in a backpack, then headed downstairs. Downstairs to his ‘parents’. Downstairs to his greatest fear. Downstairs to pain. But most of all, downstairs to what he believed to be the end for him.

The moment he saw Kei’s mother alone, he grabbed her and pulled her into a room alone. This was his only chance.

“Mrs Tsukishima. I really don’t want to go.”

Somehow, the woman completely remained oblivious to the fearful tone in his voice.

“Oh Yamaguchi! I know you love it here, but you can’t stay forever!”

As those words were spoken, he realised what that meant. ‘You can’t stay here forever!’. He pushed that thought aside for now. That’s not what he should be concentrating on.

“No, Mrs Tsukishima. I don’t think you understand. I _really_ don’t want to go-“

Tadashi was cut off by a soft voice outside the door. A fake soft voice. The voice that belonged to his ‘mother’. 

”Tadashi, sweetie, are you ready to go?”

Tadashi flinched at the sound, But quietly called out a yes. When Kei’s mother offered to walk them home, Tadashi was so, so, relieved. At least that gave him less time alone with them.

It was infuriating, how clueless Mrs Tsukishima was, but Tadashi pushed it aside. There was no way she could know. They made small talk on the walk, and Tadashi felt safer with his boyfriend’s mother to protect him. But eventually, they reached his old house. The place he hadn’t been inside for a month. The place full of his worst memories. He let out a small whimper, as he waved goodbye and took a single step through the front door.

”Goodbye.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for these chapters, I hope you all know I was crying while writing them :D
> 
> As always, kudos and comments are greatly appreciated, and my two instagrams: 
> 
> art: frogsinfishnets (no posts yet)  
> main: jesss.co.uk 
> 
> are always open, and if you would like chapter reminders, advice, or just a chat, please go talk to me over there!
> 
> bye guys >.<


	27. shattering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so little psa, as of now this chapter is unedited, i really didn’t want it to be too late, so imma edit it tomorrow:D
> 
> I APOLOGISE FOR ALL OF THIS :D
> 
> ALSO ENJOY A LONG ASS CHAPTER THAT TOOK FAR TOO LONG TO WRITE :D
> 
> CHAPTER WARNINGS:  
> graphic depictions of violence   
> blood  
> panic attacks  
> slurs  
> abuse  
> self-harm mentions  
> bullying mentions

Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.

”Tsukishima! Go switch your phone off!” Ukai shouted from across the gym, after the 6th notification. It was distracting everyone, and Kei was surprised coach had let it stay for that long. He walked over, and reached into his bag, held down the button to turn his phone off, and ran back onto the court.

Without even checking who those notifications were from. More importantly, what those notifications were saying. 

Practice returned to normal, with Hinata and Kageyama practising their quick, Nishinoya receiving, Kei blocking, etc. It was a bit lonely without Tadashi by his side, Kei must admit, however, he could cope. After all, he didn’t really want for his boyfriend to overwork himself. 

As practice came to an end, Suga offered to walk with Kei since Tadashi wasn’t there. Apparently, he was heading to his Grandparents’ house anyway, which was in that direction, and he thought it might be nice to have a chat. If Tadashi was there, he would have immediately said no, however, he could put up with Sugawara, and he figured it couldn’t hurt to have some company. So he muttered a ’sure’, before heading out with Suga.

Without turning his phone on.

As the two boys strolled along, they made small talk, and talked about upcoming exams, new possible techniques for both blocking and setting and lots more along the lines of that. Kei’s short answers must have made the conversation incredibly boring to Suga, but he didn’t seem to mind and continued to ramble on about a party he’d been to the week prior. Kei’s mind began to wander as he zoned out of the conversation, before being snapped out of it rather quickly.

”Are you and Yamaguchi still get bullied?”

Kei certainly wasn’t expecting that question. Nonetheless, he remained completely neutral and responded calmly.

”Yes and no. Still the dirty looks, empty threats and all that. But nothing violent. I guess it’s because it’s still not confirmed for them”

Sugawara nodded in agreement, sympathy on his face.

”I remember when Sawamura and I first began dating. It really wasn’t nice, but it does die down after a little. It’s just the shock I guess.”

”I hope.”

It really got to Kei sometimes, all the bullying. As much as he pretended to be all emotionless, he wasn’t. And the only person who knew that was Tadashi. Who he should probably be getting home to.

”I’ve gotta run. Goodbye Suga.”

He bowed slightly, then began walking home, slightly faster than normal, though he wasn’t sure why.

As he took the first step into his home and closed the door, he smelt lily perfume.

……………………………………

The door slammed behind Tadashi, and he flinched at the sudden noise, his anxiety through the roof. Tadashi wasn’t short, but the humongous man in front of him must have been at least 6’5”. This was the first time he really noticed it since he’d tried to forget.

He could hear his heartbeat, and not much more, other than the ticking of the clock on the hallway wall, providing a countdown before the pain.

10…

9…

8…

7…

6…

5…

4…

3…

2…

1,,, 

And run.

The front door was blocked, as was the back, so his only way was upstairs. 

_The window, I need to get to the window._

Tadashi bolted up the stairs, adrenaline on a high, his legs moving faster than he knew they could. He could feel his ‘father’s’ presence behind him, and he could feel the air rushing against his body with every swing the man took, but thankfully missed each time.

Each time he felt the tiny blows of wind drag across his back, his neck, his head, it sent shivers down his spine. He hated this. He hated how life could be so unfair, how it could treat the good people badly, and the bad people well. He hated how he could die at the hands of his own ‘parents’. He hated how the one night he returned home early, this happened. But what he hated the most, was how he didn’t take Kei’s advice. He’d told Tadashi to tell Kei’s parents about this. He’d told Tadashi what was best. And he _fucking_ ignored it. So in that moment he hated himself more than anyone. More than his ‘parents’, more than his bullies. He hated himself.

Whether fear was dictating his actions now or adrenaline was unbeknownst, but he ran into his room, shutting the door behind him, buying him just a second of time. The loud shouts of his ‘parents’ behind him echoed throughout the room, but that wasn’t what he needed to think about right now.

_I’m going to escape. i’m going to do it. it’s going well-_

Just as he turned the key to his window, unlocking it, and opened it ever so slightly, he felt a cold weight hit his leg, Almost like a vase of some kind. Whatever it was shattered as it hit the floor, the sound of glass breaking almost sounding peaceful amongst the screams of pain, and the shouts of delight.

Tadashi fell to the floor, small shards of glass shredding his knee, but he knew he couldn’t stand anymore, because the moment he tried, not only did he fall down immediately, his ‘mother’ made sure he wouldn’t try again.

She threw her stiletto heel at her son, hitting him directly in the rib cage, hard enough to bruise.

“AGGGHHH-“ Tadashi screamed as it collided, the sound broken by sobs. Tadashi had never been in this much pain in his life, his whole body now searing with red hot pain. His knees, his leg, his chest, his head, his arms, his feet.

He tried once more to clamber up into at least a sitting position, placing his hands on the glass to steady himself. He tried to push himself up, but his body gave in and wouldn’t allow it. Neither would his ‘father’.

He put his foot lightly on Tadashi’s hand. A threat of sorts.

“Do you remember what we said to you last?”

His foot pushed a little further, and Tadashi bit his lip to conceal the whimper about to escape. The glass was about to break through his skin, shredding his palms just as much as his knees. He let out a pained sob, face now completely crumpled in agony.

“That if we found that it was true, that you were one of _those_ , then you don’t want to know what will happen?”

His foot dug in further, focusing on breaking his palm.

“Well tough luck Tadashi. You’re about to find out.”

First his foot pressed further, causing the glass to pierce the soft freckled skin on his inner hand. 

“ARGHHGGGGGGHHHGHH- KEIIIIIIIIIII- HELPPPPPPP-“ his words were as shattered as him. Hardly coherent. The screams the delicate boy let out were raw, and primitive and were so pained that they didn’t even sound human. Either that, or they were the most human thing a person could hear.

He could see the pool of blood forming on his wooden bedroom floor, seeping through the holes between the planks. 

The man then put his full weight into the hand, and span. Around and around and around, twisting away the top layer of skin of Tadashi’s hand. 

Another scream escaped his mouth, before being kicked in the mouth to prevent any more loud noises.

“BE QUIET! DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME YOU (F-SLUR)!”

“Yes.”

He had no choice now but to just let it happen. There was no fighting back. He couldn’t stand, or punch or move at all. It was no use. 

“WE NEVER WANTED A SON LIKE YOU! WE NEVER WANTED YOU AT ALL! YOU THINK WE CARE?!”

Truthfully, no, he’d never thought they’d cared. But what he had thought is that he’d finally, after trying to hide for fifteen years, escaped all this. But it followed him. It always has. All his happiest memories were tarnished with the eternal fear of returning home. Not only that, no one even had a suspicion. Because outside of the walls of his house, they always acted like picture perfect parents. But he guessed that goes to show that not everything is what it seems.

The man removed his foot, finally relieving the fire spreading throughout his right arm. Tadashi lifted it immediately, despite how much effort that took, and brought it to his chest, before receiving a kick in the stomach. It winded him, and he choked for air as the tears continued to stream down his damaged face.

“YOU AND THAT TSUKISHIMA BOY?! HOW DISGUSTING! I MIGHT HAVE EXPECTED THIS BEHAVIOUR FROM HIM BUT NOT YOU! FILTHY (F-SLURS) NEED TO GET A GRIP!”

Everything on his body was killing him. He couldn’t breathe, he could hardly see, and pain rang through his body constantly. 

Tadashi couldn’t even register where he was being hit now, all he knew was that his body was failing him and he could only feel pain. He was even to weak to sob now, the tears just fell from his eyes, with no noise at all.

”WHY DON’T YOU JUST KILL YOURSELF?! WE ALL KNOW NO ONE WANTS YOU HERE! IF YOU THINK SOMEONE DOES THEN THEY’RE LYING TO YOU, FILLING YOUR DUMB FUCKING HEAD WITH A FALSE REALITY, BECAUSE QUITE FRANKLY, NO ONE WOULD BE ABLE TO STAND YOU! AND THAT TSUKISHIMA-”

Tadashi internally winced at the mention if his boyfriend. He needed him so badly right now, he needed to have protection, he needed someone to hold him together before he became a pile of mangled limbs on the bedroom floor. 

”WE ALL KNOW HE ONLY WANTS YOU FOR YOUR BODY! BECAUSE NO ONE CAN EVER TRULY LOVE A (F-SLUR) LIKE YOU!”

And in one single sentence, the people he was supposed to be protected by, destroyed everything Tadashi had left.

_What if they’re right? What if Kei us using me? He isn’t here after all… What if he never loved me to begin with? What if he only kissed me so he could laugh at me later? What if he wants me dead too? What if what if what if._

All the ’what if’s’ came streaming down, even though there was evidence against them all, Tadashi wasn’t stable enough to even realise it.

Then the mental blow combined with a physical one, and Tadashi’s vision slowly came to a black, knocking him out, leaving him laying amongst shattered glass under the window. 

His parents didn’t register he was unconscious for a while, so continued to scream and shout and hit at the limp body on the floor, the bruises and cuts covering him, so he was almost unrecognisable. 

It was a terrible sight. A limp, fragile boy laying amongst broken glass, his body covered in injuries, his face tear-stained and his mouth open slightly as he slept. Towering over him, two fully grown adults, intent on beating him to a pulp.

It was just like a nightmare.

……………………………………

As usual, Kei greets his mother, before running upstairs to his room, where Tadashi would be playing on his phone, or reading a book, or drawing a landscape. This time however, Tadashi was nowhere to be seen. 

Kei slowly checked the rooms of the house, getting increasingly worried, as he slowly realised his boyfriend wasn’t there.

“Mom! Where’s Tadashi?” he called down the stairs, as he ran as fast as he could downwards.

“He went home. Did he not tell you?”

Kei froze to a standstill. _Tadashi had gone home? HOW COULD MY MOTHER LET THIS HAPPEN?! FUCK!_

“He what?” Kei said, locking eyes with his mother, now gripping her shoulders, and almost shaking her. Even his mother could sense the terror spreading through her son’s body.

“Went home. He wanted to stay, poor thing, he loves it here so much! He kept saying he didn’t want to go!”

_He kept saying he didn’t want to go._

Kei dropped his school bag, which was still slung over his shoulder. Panic filled him. He needed to get to Tadashi before… forget before. He was too late for that. He needed to save Tadashi.

“I’ve got to go.”

With that, Kei sped out of the door, shoes only half on, but he didn’t care, because all he cared about right now was Tadashi’s safety. 

His perfect, amazing Tadashi might be dead right now. He remembered all the things Tadashi had told him about his parents, what they’d do to him, what they’d say. To imagine the love of his life going through that, at this very moment… he couldn’t take it. It had to stop.

Then he remembered his phone. The buzzing. He frantically pulled it out from his pocket and switched it on, still running towards Tadashi’s house. He read all the messages, and listened to the voicemail, and absolutely lost it. He began to break down, his exhaustion and worry overcoming him. But nonetheless he continued to run, and would continue to chase after Tadashi until he was completely safe. He always would.

Kei tried to push away the thoughts of his boyfriend dead in his bedroom, tried to push away the thoughts of him sobbing as he was beaten. Tried to push away the thoughts of him screaming in agony as he wondered where Kei was. He should never have let him leave practice alone.

As much as Tadashi told him not to, Kei blamed himself for this. If Tadashi never dated him, his parents wouldn’t have known. If Tadashi never met him, he wouldn’t even know he was gay until long after he’d left this damned town. If Kei would’ve tried harder in practice he wouldn’t have had to stay extra long, he might’ve got there before Tadashi even left. Kei couldn’t stop thinking it was all his fault.

Finally, he ran past the park near Tadashi’s. The park in which they first cuddled, properly. The park in which Tadashi came to for safety that night a month ago. The park full of Tadashi, Tadashi, Tadashi.

Kei’s worry only increased.

As he ran, he attempted to prepare himself for what he was about to witness. It didn’t work.

Soon enough, in the distance he saw his boyfriend’s childhood house, and the silence as he entered the street only terrified him more. He took at deep breath as he reached front door, before pounding his fists against it.

“TADASHI! TADASHI ITS ME! KEI! I’M HERE!”

Kei screamed, as bystanders looked at him oddly. He supposed he did look like a madman. 

Kei didn’t receive a response, so he tried again, calling his name out as loud as he could. 

_What if he isn’t answering because he’s d-_

No. he couldn’t allow himself to think that. Not right now.

Still no response.

_The tree… it goes straight to his room…_

Kei hastily climbed, scratching himself against the branches, but he didn’t care. He was hoping the branches wouldn’t break, since he hadn’t climbed it in a while and he had grown quite a bit, but thankfully, both the branches and Kei remained in tact.

As he neared the top, he saw the window ever so slightly open, and on the window, a small drop of what looked to be blood. 

Kei had never climbed a tree faster in his life. He pushed open the window, and climbed inside. What he saw destroyed him. He could see shards of glass in his boyfriend’s hands and knees, and bruises and cuts all over his body. Bloodstains everywhere. But Tadashi wasn’t moving. He was completely still. 

Kei’s mind jumped to the worst.

He fell to his knees, and very gently started to shake Tadashi.

“Baby please wake up. Please Tadashi. Come on. I love you. Come on please darling. Please tadashi please-“

By now Kei was sobbing, almost cradling Tadashi’s cold limp body in his arms. He held Tadashi’s pinky finger gently, avoiding the cuts, begging for it to curl around his. He wished.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
And it came true.

Tadashi’s eyes flickered open, before flinching away in fear, a smaller whimper escaping his throat, not registering who it was holding him.

“Hey honey, it’s me, Kei. i won’t hurt you. it’s gonna be okay. you’re safe now. Shhhhhh.”

Tadashi began to cry again, clinging to Kei with whatever strength he had left. He was so relieved to have Kei here with him, holding him, calming him, making him feel loved. But that didn’t take away the searing pain throughout his body, the flashbacks of just 30 minutes or so before. What was said. What was done.

“They did this, didn’t they…”

Tadashi didn’t have enough strength to answer, but the look in his eyes told Kei all he needed to know. The look in Tadashi’s eyes was the most pained look the blonde had ever seen. You could tell by the glossiness, the huge pupils, the darting movements.

As Tadashi began to panic again, Kei reached his hand up to his cheeks and cupped them, wiping away some of the tears. 

“Its okay honey. They’re gone now baby, just breathe. I’m gonna call my mom, and get her to take you to the hospital okay? In the meantime, let it all out.”

Tadashi sobbed into Kei’s arms, each time hurting more than the last. Why did it have to be him? Why didn’t his parents love him? What will the team say? Will he have to go to court? All unanswered questions for now. 

“Ah-“ Tadashi croaked before wincing in pain. It hurt to speak, sending another wave of agony throughout his system.

“You don’t have to talk at all, just let it all out. Scream if you need to. I don’t mind, I just want you to be happy.”

Kei was still crying, the sight of his boyfriend like this pained him too much to not be. 

He shakily picked up his phone, and called his mother, having to redial her number after mistakes made due to his tear filled vision.

“Hello?”

“Mom get the car and drive to Tadashi’s. Hurry, it’s an emergency.”

“Kei, what are you talking about?”

“Mom. Just get the car. We need to take him to hospital.”

“Oh right, okay. i’ll be there in five.”

Kei cut off the call before his mother could ask anymore questions.

He caught sight of blood beginning to seep through Tadashi’s hoodies, and he couldn’t help but think… has he been… harming again? Hesitantly, he placed his hand ever so gently onto Tadashi’s stomach, before hastily removing it once Tadashi made an agonised noise, one he’d already made to much that day. For a brief second, Kei glimpsed at Tadashi’s eyes, before the small boy averted his gaze immediately. Even Kei could tell he was hiding something.

“Tadashi, baby? Can you take off the hoodies? I need to just check you’re okay-“

Tadashi looked at Kei, the back at the zip, almost begging him to do it for him, since he knew he didn’t have the strength. Kei nodded slightly, getting the message, before slowly unzipping the two hoodies. And all across Tadashi’s stomach lay cuts, however, to Kei’s utter relief, most were just reopened. Tadashi still looked nervous though, and Kei wasn’t quite sure why, until he look upwards towards Tadashi’s chest, where a huge cut lay, still seeping blood. Kei immediately looked back at Tadashi, and whispered a small, ‘you’re gonna be fine.’. 

Both boys knew things weren’t going to be fine for quite a while. 

But they could have hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m a bitch :D
> 
> instagram: frogsinfishnets and jesss.co.uk


	28. It never stops, does it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY HEY HEY! I'm so sorry for this chapter being late, but after pumping out 4000 words in two days last chapter I was a little drained hehe. BUT HERE IT IS! Still angsty as fuck so feel free to rant to me about it ✨ 
> 
> PSA: formatting has changed slightly, from now on, bold text means thoughts, and bold italics are intrusive thoughts :D
> 
> CHAPTER WARNINGS  
> flashbacks  
> Abuse  
> Hospitals  
> Injury detail  
> Intrusive thoughts  
> Mentions of suicide
> 
> ENJOY! AND THAN YOU ALL SO FUCKING MUCH FOR NEARLH 3000 HITS?! That's INSANE! WE ALSO HIT 150 KUDOS AND 100 COMMENTS SO IM SO GRATEFUL TO ALL OF YOU (。-∀-)

Chapter 26

While still cradling Tadashi, Kei felt his phone ring in his pocket, and quickly reached down to grab it. It was his mother calling, and he waited no time to answer.

“Are you here yet?” Kei asked quietly, trying not to hurt the pounding headache the broken boy on his lap undoubtedly had. 

“Yeah, but I’m still confused as to why his parents can’t take him?”

Kei physically rolled his eyes at that, before quickly telling his mother that he will explain later, preferably when he knows the love of his life is safe. He then hung up the phone, which in any normal situation would be seen as rude, but he figured it should be okay due to circumstance.

Kei looked down at the fragile body of Tadashi limp against his. He wouldn’t be able to walk down there. Kei wiped away some tears from Tadashi’s face, before gently wrapping his arms fully around him.

”Can I carry you to the car? It might hurt a little.” Kei was whispering now, trying desperately to make Tadashi as comfortable as possible. He knew that carrying Tadashi would cause him a lot of unwanted pain, but he didn’t have much of a choice. 

Tadashi nodded tinily, using an immense amount of strength for such a small task. Kei took a deep breath, and slowly lifted Tadashi bridal style, trying his hardest to place his hands wisely. Despite that, Tadashi whimpered at the pain of it and held his breath most of the way down the stairs as a way to hide his agony. Each step bumped his body slightly, and it was a new wave of pain each step. 

_I deserve this._

As Kei fumbled with the door, Tadashi began to cry slightly again. His thoughts were back now, thoughts he hadn’t really had since… He never understood why they didn’t just go away. Leave him alone. But that wasn’t the concern for right now.

Eventually, Kei opened the front door and saw his mother’s face turn from worry to a moment of relief to horror. Her mouth fell slightly agape, and she was a little in shock, but still got out of her car and helped transfer Tadashi into the back seat. As his body switched between people, Tadashi let out another small yelp, as Kei’s mother’s hand brushed against a cut on his stomach, before she promptly readjusted her hands. 

They set him down in the back seat and buckled him in, and Kei sat beside him, wiping away both of their tears and trying to reassure both himself and the trembling man beside him. His mother drove quickly (but safely) to the local hospital, without asking any more questions. She could see how much pain Tadashi was in at that moment, and just how damaged he was. Even Kei’s eyes were puffy and red, and his body bloodstained from where he held his boyfriend.

The car ride was silent, but allowing someone’s thoughts to run alone after a traumatic event isn’t a good idea. 

All of a sudden, Tadashi’s mind went blank for a moment, before replaying the events of the evening. It was just like it was happening again, he could hear his ’father’ screaming at him, almost feel his hand being crushed beneath the weight of the huge man, smell the overwhelming scent of lily and blood. It all felt so real. The words said bounced around his unsettled mind, clogging his thoughts, just like on his bad days when things go foggy, but _worse_.

A booming voice screaming at him. 

”Tadashi!”

It was his father.

He flinched and whimpered, and snapped out of his flashback, to find himself mid panic attack. His father, he was gonna hurt him, he needed to run- but it was only Kei sitting in front of him, his hands cupping Tadashi’s cheeks, forcing him to face him.

”Honey it’s me. Kei. I’m right here, Tadashi. Breathe.”

He tried. He really did. It just didn’t work very well. The memory was so vivid it just- he couldn’t explain it.

”Tadashi. I love you. You’re safe now honey. All safe.”

Slowly, Kei’s voice became clearer, and Tadashi began to calm, just as they were nearing the hospital. Kei went to grab Tadashi’s hand, then froze at the sight of the cuts once more. There were so many… Shards of glass were still lodged in his hand, and his entire hand was red-brown with partially dried blood. 

Kei just leant over and grabbed the other hand.

“Tadashi, we’re here.”

Tadashi looked up, and saw the bright lights of a hospital outside, and flinched. He could remember the last time he’d been there, with his ‘father’. It was horrendous. 

They haphazardly stopped the car outside the hospital doors, because after all, it was an emergency, and opened the doors.

“You’re going to be fine.”

Hope.

Kei gently picked up Tadashi, trying to hide his fear behind a mask of protection. He smiled slightly to calm the boy in his grasp, though it didn’t work well, as Tadashi was still terrified.

I guess it could be said that he still had a phobia of doctors, though he wasn’t actually scared of _them_ but rather _what would happen afterwards_. He knew that this time he wouldn’t be beaten for being ‘too weak’, but that fear resounded within him nonetheless. 

As they carried Tadashi into the accident and emergency centre, a few nurses ran up to them, and made sure that Tadashi was conscious, before promptly fetching a wheelchair for him to sit in. the white lights were far too bright for Tadashi, and the deep smell of disinfectant wasn’t pleasant. To be honest, he wanted nothing more than to stay in his boyfriend’s arms, but he was too weak to protest when the transferred him over. As he rested his back against the chair, he could feel all the patches of bruising, and it was agonising. Thankfully, however, Kei was still holding his non-injured hand, and Tadashi gripped it tightly to cope with the pain. 

They registered Tadashi in, who was put as high priority due to his fainting and was quickly wheeled into a doctor. The doctor was a large man, maybe 6’2”, a similar height to Tadashi’s father… and oh. 

For the second time that day, Tadashi spaced out, and his mind replayed it all on loop. As his father twisted his hand, the high heel striking his rib cage, the glass shattering. The words. 

**_Kei is using you._ **

**What? He hadn’t had one of those thoughts in a while…**

**_He will never love you._ **

**Stop.**

**_No one could love you._ **

**STOP.**

**_No one wants you here._ **

**PLEASE PLEASE STOP!**

**_You’d be better off dead._ **

**ARGHHH NO GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE PLEASE I CAN’T TAKE TH-**

“TADASHI!”

And with that, Tadashi flinched out of his flashback.

**Kei, you aren’t using me. Right?**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI! so, i hope you enjoyed my chapter! new one should be out soon, so keep a lookout for that 👀 
> 
> if you would like post notifications, or just would like to chat, or get to know me, please check out:
> 
> instagram: jesss.co.uk & frogsinfishnets 
> 
> as always, kudos and comments are really appreciated, so feel free to give any constructive criticism in the comments:D
> 
> good morning, afternoon, evening or night


	30. You should've told me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey hey! Sorry this is a bit late, but enjoy nonetheless! This was actually quite a fun chapter to write too, so I'm not sure why I procrastinated if for so long 💀 
> 
> CHAPTER WARNINGS  
> abuse  
> Blood  
> Needles  
> Hospitals  
> Self harm mentions  
> Injury detail  
> Anxiety/panic attack mentions  
> homophobia mentions
> 
> Thank you all so fucking much for 3000 hits I actually can't believe this is real THANK U THANK U THANK U

Chapter 27

“Name?” the doctor’s voice was soft, to Tadashi’s relief, and despite his appearance, this doctor seemed nothing like his ‘father’.

“Tadashi Yamaguchi.” His voice was wheezy and cracked multiple times even in two words, but at least he could talk now without his chest feeling like it was on fire. What he still hadn’t noticed, however, was that he was still shaking after his episode a few moments ago, and his hand had started bleeding again. 

Fiddling with his fingers had always been a subconscious habit, so he guessed he must have been doing that when he spaced out. 

”Yamaguchi, where is hurting the most?”

Tadashi thought for a moment, before holding out his hand, the glass still imbedded into his freckled skin, though all freckles were covered in blood at that point. His hand was trembling, before Kei gently held the smaller boy’s arm steady, being careful to avoid any bruises where he held. 

The doctor took a look, clearly concerned, before turning to Tadashi, his brows furrowed.

”My my son, what happened here?”

Kei quickly frowned at the doctor and shook his head, indicating that that wasn’t a good thing to ask right now. God, that was a really bad question to ask.

Tadashi began to panic slightly, in fear he’d space out again and relive it all. He really didn’t want that, it was bad enough the first time. 

Thankfully, the doctor quickly understood and moved on, inspecting the hand and the glass inside of it. Not only that, it was now swollen and bruised from the weight of the man who span around on it just to hear the agonised screams of a helpless boy.

The doctor tried to place his finger on the hand but received a shout of pain in return. This wasn’t looking good. 

”Good news, you’re not going to die. Bad news… This is going to hurt. Quite a lot.”

As Tadashi wrist was strapped to a table to stop it from moving, it’s safe to stay Tadashi began to panic. He didn’t want anyone anywhere NEAR that hand, especially not with medical tweezers AND a needle to apply the anaesthesia.

His other hand was firmly in Kei’s who was trying to stare at Tadashi to distract him. It very definitely was not working. 

“I would turn away if I were you.” 

As the local anaesthesia was injected it wasn’t Tadashi that yelped in pain, rather Kei, whose hand had just been crushed by Tadashi’s.

“Tch.”

“Sorry Kei.”

Tadashi felt a tingling in his hand before numbness. The pain had finally stopped there, and it was so calming to not have his hand on fire. 

Slowly, the doctors began to remove the glass, and Tadashi, who still absolutely hated doctors, stayed completely facing Kei, biting his lip through the pain. The anaesthesia was only for pain management, not a full anaesthetic, so he could still feel the small pains. He looked into Kei’s eyes and got lost in them, the brown hues providing golden comfort. 

Done.

“Well done honey.” Kei lifted the non-bleeding hand and pressed it to his lips, and Tadashi giggled slightly. It didn’t take away the mental strain of the day’s events, but Kei never failed to make him feel loved.

Tadashi turned to his hand, then gasped. His hand was pouring blood, and the doctors were trying to soak it up before bandaging it. He couldn’t feel too much because of the anaesthesia, but he could tell it would hurt later. 

“Look at me while they bandage it.”

Tadashi did as he was told, though his mind wasn’t on Kei’s story. He was mainly concentrating on locking away everything that had happened, just like he locked away the other things too. It wasn’t working. 

Not only that, but the words Kei’s mother had said to him kept ringing throughout his head, the sharp sting of ‘you can’t stay here forever’ stabbing at his slither of remaining hope. 

A tear fell before he realised, and Kei wiped it away before crouching next to the hospital bed so his face was equal to Tadashi’s.

“Kei, can we talk? Alone?” Kei’s mother called from the other side of the room. Kei nodded quickly and mouthed that he would just be a minute to Tadashi. The boy and his mother stepped into the bleak, white corridor, and sat down on some chairs near the door.

“Kei, what happened to him?” his mother’s tone sounded intense, and made Kei a little uneasy, even though he’d done nothing wrong.

Kei sighed.

“Where to start…” he muttered.

“You know your friends Mr and Mrs Yamaguchi? They um- really aren’t as nice as they seem.”

Mrs Tsukishima’s eyebrows furrowed as she listened.

“Tadashi was abused. Is, abused. As long as he can remember. He says it became physical at around 10, and it just got worse. And that night, where I had to go pick him up? His parents weren’t looking after a relative. They never were. They found out he was gay, and they didn’t like it. Mom, they pulled a knife on him. They kicked him out too, and he didn’t know where else to go but to me, so I brought him in and he didn’t want to tell anyone about him being gay but he was too emotional to tell you about the ab-“

Kei was cut off by his mother’s arms being wrapped around him. He didn’t know when he started crying, but when he felt how soggy his shirt was, he concluded he must have been for a while.

“Slow down Kei. They’re gone now, Tadashi is okay.”

Kei took a deep breath before continuing.

“He didn’t want to tell you guys about the abuse, so he lied. Not even I knew the real reason. I just thought they were homophobic, not abusive. I think it was a few days later, I caught him self harming in the bathroom. And based off his stomach, it wasn’t the first time either. Mom, I was terrified. I cleaned him up, and he started telling me about what seemed like anxiety, and how he had regular panic attacks. I’m sure you’ve seen him have a few of those, but it happens more than you think. More so recently. Shortly after, we started dating, as you know. He seemed… happier. His parents were long out of sight, and he was getting better. Then just before we told you guys about us, he told me about the abuse. I didn’t know how to react. I should’ve told you.”

Kei sobbed again.

“you should’ve, but you’re telling me now. So continue.”

He did as instructed.

“Then we came out to you guys. This is when things went badly. A photo had been circulating, of me and Tadashi cuddling, from the night he got kicked out. Somehow that must of reached Tadashi’s parents, and then from what I gather, you guys e fed up on the phone. Tadashi came home from practice early, as you know, and ended up leaving with his parents. He- he tried to tell you he didn’t want to go. Oh, he um- also left me these.”

Kei pulled out his phone and showed his mother everything. She was shell shocked.

“And almost as soon as you left, he tried to run for it, to the window. But he didn’t make it, and then they- they- yeah.”

Now releasing her son, Kei’s mother’s mouth gaped concernedly, and she wordlessly patted her son’s shoulder.

“I found him passed out on the floor, in a pool of his own blood. I thought he was dead, mom. I thought he was gone. He wasn’t though, and he woke up and explained as much as he could over text in the car.”

Kei’s crying had slowed now, but his mother’s just began, as she realised that she was the one that sent him with those monsters. 

“Can he- live with us? it’s just he has nowhere else to go and we’re dating anyway so-“

Kei’s mother nodded. If anything, she owed it to the boy.

“of course.”

…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! The new one should be out soon, in about two to three days time :)
> 
> As always, kudos and comments are hugely appreciated ;)
> 
> If you would like chapter reminders, to see my fanart, or just to chat, please visit my Instagram: jesss.co.uk and frogsinfishnets
> 
> Good morning, good afternoon, good evening or good night   
> (。-∀-)


	31. Disinfectant scented night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry for this being late- a lot of stuff has happened recently and I've had to prioritise that over the chapter.
> 
> Also this chapter is a little short, however since it's just really setting the scene for the next one, I don't really think it matters that much honestly.
> 
> TYSM FOR ALL THE LOVE RECENTLY TOO LIKE WTF
> 
> CHAPTER WARNINGS:  
> Very small mentions of bullying  
> small mentions of anxiety  
> Hospitals  
> Mentions of blood and bruises
> 
> Tysm for reading x

m“Kei!” 

He heard his name called from the hospital room, and he excused himself from his mother’s conversation and ran inside to his boyfriend. Tadashi was now propped up on the bed, wearing a hospital gown, with a forced smile on his face.

“They said I need to stay the night. To monitor blood loss or something…they need your mother to sign some forms.”

Kei nodded, and as much as the idea of Tadashi being alone all night scared him, he faked a smile and rushed off to get his mother. 

Tadashi didn’t want to stay in a hospital room all night either. He was used to a warm Kei next to him, wrapped around him like a blanket. Not that that would be possible at the moment because of his injuries, but still. His mind was also worrying about other things too. What would Kei say when he told him that he can’t play volleyball for two whole weeks? What would the team say? What will he tell the team happened? So many what’s and if’s rushing through his empty mind.

“Tadashi? Tadashi?” It was Kei’s mother, who had apparently said his name 5 times before he snapped out of the endless questions and registered the words being said.

“Sorry, sorry.”

“Kei told me everything.”

Tadashi’s breath faltered, and his eyes widened. He broke eye contact and opened his mouth as of to speak, but Mrs Tsukishima placed a finger on his lips to silence the boy.

“Don’t worry. You can stay with us for as long as you need. You really should have just told me, you know. I would’ve believed you. I’m so sorry that it seemed like I wouldn’t. I do think that I need to do some things about all of this though. When you’re ready, whenever that may be, we need to report your mother and father. For what they did to you, they deserve to be punished.”

Tadashi knew it was true. He knew more than anyone that what his parents did needed to be punished. However, he also knew that that meant standing in a courtroom with them, in front of a lot of people, and he really really didn’t like the idea. Maybe one day, but definitely not yet.

“Thank you for letting me stay, if you’d like I can get a job to pay for my food and things? I don’t want to be a burden…”

Kei’s mother chuckled and shook her head.

“You don’t need to do that Yamaguchi. Or would you prefer Tadashi? I get that your ‘family name’ isn’t much of a family name any more.”

Tadashi just nodded.

“It means a lot that I can stay with you. you’ve all been so kind, and I just- thank you.” Tadashi smiled slightly, and a tear fell from  
his eye – a happy one.

He quickly wiped it away with his usable hand, before thinking about what Kei’s mother had said. To prosecute his parents? What if they were found innocent and came and hurt him more? And it would mean that basically the whole school would know about it… and about him and Kei. And then the bullying might come back... Tadashi definitely wasn’t ready for that. Any of this really.

………………………….  
Later that day.

“I heard you have to stay the night. Are you sure you’re gonna be okay on your own?” It was Kei, who was perched on the end of Tadashi’s bed, holding pinky fingers with the frail boy in the hospital gown. Kei worried about what would happen if Tadashi was alone. Tadashi had a history of breaking down his barriers on random nights, and desperately needing Kei to comfort him, and after a traumatic event, Kei wasn’t quite sure how the smaller boy would react. 

Tadashi nodded.  
“Yeah, I think I’ll be fine. it’d be nice if you could stay though, you know, for company.” 

Tadashi wanted Kei for more than company. Tadashi wanted Kei for the same reason Kei wanted to stay. Tadashi was scared. Scared of himself, his own mind. He never knew what the thoughts would say next when he’d have a night terror when he’d start to feel all foggy. His mind was unbeknownst to him.

“Of course, of course. I’ll just go let my mother know.”

The two boys were both relieved as Kei walked to the hospital café where his mother was getting some food, as it was nearing dinner. Kei was relieved he could be there for Tadashi, and Tadashi was relieved Kei would be there for him. 

…………………  
Nighttime

Visiting hours were over now, so Kei’s mother had left the hospital now, and Kei was laying on the small couch opposite Tadashi’s hospital bed. Tadashi was on Kei’s phone, while Kei was reading one of the books provided by the hospital. It was quite boring honestly, mainly talking about science, and quite frankly, Kei didn’t like science. However, if it meant Tadashi had some peace, he’d sacrifice that fun.

“Keiiiiii!!!” Tadashi whined from the other side of the room, his face quite dark as he’d now switched off the phone. Kei turned his head and rolled his body over so he was facing his boyfriend, a sad smile on his face as he saw the bandaged hand hanging limp.

“I’m cold!” Tadashi stated, while pouting slightly, as he used his hand to signal Kei over, and lift up the sheets. 

As much as Kei wanted to clamber into bed with the love of his life and pretend nothing at all has happened, the damage was done. The cuts were still open, bandages fresh.

“Tadashi I don’t think I’m allo-“

“I don’t care. I need you right now.” Tadashi’s voice broke. 

That was enough for Kei’s long body to be against Tadashi’s in a matter of seconds, but a lot gentler than normal, as Kei was trying to avoid the many bruises scattered across his boyfriend. This was the first time Kei had seen Tadashi without full-length trousers on since it happened, and the number of bruises on his arms and legs were huge. It pained Kei to see.

Kei rested his head against Tadashi, pressed a small gentle kiss to the back of his neck, whom he was now spooning carefully. Tadashi shivered slightly, but Kei assumed it was a good shiver.

“Can we stay like this tonight?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! My new chapter might be a little late this week, so I expect it'll be up in 5-6 days instead of the usual 2-3
> 
> As always, if you’d like chapter reminders, to see the fanart for this fic, or to just have a general chat, please go to my instagrams:  
> art: frogsinfishnets  
> main: jesss.co.uk


	32. hospital hot chocolate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m terrible for posting on time i’m so sorry- anyway have this chapter :) i might make it longer tomorrow bc it’s kinda short but yeah!
> 
> CHAPTER WARNINGS:  
> mentions of anxiety and panic attacks  
> referenced abuse   
> hospitals/doctors
> 
> ty so much for all the support, especially those who have been here since basically the beginning, and my regular readers! yall mean the work to me, so tytyty!

The following morning, they awoke entangled in each other’s limbs, much to the doctors’ dismay, who had stormed in the moment he saw Kei not on the sofa where he was supposed to be. After a few moments of the doctor angry whispering for him to get out of the bed, Kei practically fell out, still fully clothed and drowsy.

Tadashi’s blood levels were okay through the night, and though he seemed to have a slight fever (though this was now discounted since they realised Kei was snuggled up to him all night) the doctors dismissed it. He was set for release since he was physically okay, however Kei’s mother had requested for the doctors to talk to Tadashi about how he was doing mentally, which was seemingly why they were busting into his hospital room at 9 in the morning. 

“Good morning Mr. Yamaguchi!” The doctor said cheerfully, though he was still frowning at Kei, who was now very nearly falling back asleep on the sofa, his head falling the rising back up when he realised he was drifting off. He muttered something about going to get a coffee, then stumbled out of the door, leaving the doctor and Tadashi alone. 

He later realised that leaving his boyfriend, who had just gone through the worst moments of his life, alone really wasn’t a good idea.

“So Mr. Yamaguchi. How are you feeling today?” The doctor said with a smile, while sanitising his hands using one of the many dispensers on the walls. “I take it that you’re feeling at least a little better after you’ve been cuddled up to that guy all night.”

As Tadashi’s eyes slowly became accustomed to the bright lighting, and his brain switched itself properly on again, he realised what the doctor had said. Now a little panicked, he began to profusely apologise, since he absolutely despised feeling in trouble, and very much wanted to get it over with.

“No no, it’s fine, love can sometimes be a good medicine! But how are you doing? Are the cuts and your hand feeling any better?”

He guessed they were feeling a little better, since the burning had eased up now, and he wasn’t nearly crying because of the pain. His hand still hurt, since the anaesthetic had well worn off now, but that was to be expected. After acquiring 14 pieces of glass in your hand (of the ones the doctors could find), plus the whole thing being bruised, not many people could say it didn’t feel terrible.

“A bit better I guess… my hand still hurts though.”

The doctor chuckled slightly, and nodded as he laughed. 

“Yes, that’s to be expected. You should be back to normal in about 2 weeks if you do as us doctors say.”

Tadashi smiled and nodded, before Kei opened the door, a tray of drinks in his hand, one with the name ‘Tadashi’ and one with the name ‘Kei’. Kei half dropped them onto the table, most likely since they were rather hot, but luckily manages to not spill them.

“He shouldn’t have caffeine while we’re monitoring his blood.” The doctor stated, noticing the names on the cups. “It could affect the levels.”

Kei scoffed, clearly agitated with the man, and handed Tadashi his cup. The doctor went to take it back, before Kei stopped him.

“Calm down. It’s not coffee. It’s a hot chocolate. I always make them for him when he’s not doing great, though these both look and smell considerably worse than the usual ones. And no cinnamon! What a joke.”

Tadashi could tell how irritated his boyfriend was, and chuckled while sipping his hot chocolate. Kei was right though, it tasted nothing like the ones he usually had, it was bland, as hospital food and drink often were, but he drank it nonetheless. The doctor continued with general stats about Tadashi’s condition, his monotonous voice droning on full of irrelevant facts. Soon however, the conversation swayed as Kei’s mother arrived, onto the more pressing topic.

“So I hear you’ve been struggling with some mental health issues recently,” the doctor continued smoothly, trying to keep the conversation casual. “I think we need to discuss it.”

Tadashi nodded stiffly.  
Kei noticed how Tadashi visibly tensed up, and how his eyes began to become skittish. After a moment, his eyes hit Kei’s and that was enough for Kei to go over to him, whether that doctor liked it or not. He held Tadashi’s good hand, and traced circles over the back of Tadashi’s palm with the pad of his thumb, a childhood way of comforting each other.

“Apparently you’ve been suffering from some panic attacks and night terrors. How often do these happen, and if there is a cause, why?” The doctors voice was completely professional now, all the comfort of lighthearted conversation dissipated. Tadashi gripped Kei’s hand tighter, and allowed himself to think of an answer for a moment, before shakily replying.

“Maybe three of each per week. The night terrors come at random, but a lot less when i’m with Kei, and the panic attacks can either come at random or get triggered by certain things.”

Kei could tell just by the strain in the smaller boy’s voice just how hard he was trying to sound better than he really was.

“What kind of things?” the doctor asked, after scribbling something on a small notebook.

Tadashi’s breath caught in his throat.

“Shouting… um… sudden noises… certain words… people moving quickly towards me outside of volleyball… lilies… knives and certain people.” Tadashi stumbled over his words as he spoke, but at least he could say it at all now.

Kei knew exactly why each of those did what they did, and he unlocked their hands and instead placed it on Tadashi’s waist, pulling him in slightly for a hug, just a subtle reassurance that he was there for the boy, no matter what. 

The doctor simply nodded, and continued to scrawl across the notepad with his fountain pen.

…

“Anxiety meds, and weekly therapy sessions. Is that okay Tadashi?”

Tadashi simply nodded whilst the doctor tore out his prescription and handed it to mrs tsukishima.

Tadashi wasnt sure if he liked the idea of a therapist. Telling a stranger everything about yourself so they can analyse you? It sounded like his worst nightmare. However, Tadashi had promised Kei that he’d do whatever he could to get better, and he prided himself on not breaking promises.

After all Kei has done for him, it would be rude to not even try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i still need to edit this-
> 
> anyway! as always kudos and comments are very appreciated, as well as any constructive criticism you might have! also, if i’m missing anything from the chapter warnings, please lmk!
> 
> my insta:  
> jesss.co.uk


	33. Breaking the news

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm so sorry this is late once again- I'm starting to lose motivation with the whole Christmas period, so please expect my chapters to be around 7 days while on Christmas break! This will be my last chapter before Christmas so Merry Christmas to you all!
> 
> CHAPTER WARNINGS  
> mentioned abuse  
> Hospitals
> 
> Thank you all for your continued support, it means the world to me and I am so grateful for you all :))

Chapter 30

Later that day, while watching a nature documentary with Kei, huddled up on the hospital bed, Tadashi heard a familiar set of voices getting louder as they moved towards his room. A higher-pitched energetic voice, with a steadier and lower voice telling the other voice he was dumb. A very on edge voice, of a particularly familiar grey-haired friend. Karasuno was bustling down the narrow corridors of Miyagi’s largest hospital, causing quite a sound, which resulted in multiple nurses in hushing at them in annoyance. Tadashi glanced at Kei, silently asking if he had told them, to which Kei shook his head. Before he even knew it, Tadashi saw the door handle twist open, following with an eruption of noise.

“Yamaguchi!” Hinata shouted his bubbly personality allowing him to be so loud. Daichi hastily quieted him, before asking everyone except himself and Suga to wait outside for now. The team deflated a little, but agreed, and left without too much hassle. 

Tadashi noticed the looks Sugawara gave them as he walked in, and he realised that Suga most likely knew what had happened. He knew about the abuse already, so it wasn’t too difficult to put two and two together he supposed. Tadashi gripped Kei’s hand, just to subtly let his boyfriend know that he was nervous. It worked, and Kei squeezed back.

“Hey, Yamaguchi. How are you?” Suga asked perching on the end of the bed, reaching to put a hand on Tadashi’s shoulder, but pulling back immediately. His voice was soft and concerned, and Tadashi felt strangely comforted hearing it. 

“I- I guess I’m okay,” Tadashi responded, before signalling towards Daichi, clearly trying to ask it Daichi knew without Daichi knowing he was asking. Suga nodded, before gently saying how he had to tell someone he trusted since it was such a big thing. Tadashi nodded and bit his lip. 

“I’m guessing that you’ve figured out what happened, but I’ll tell you anyway. My parents came back when I left practice early and picked me up from Kei’s. Then um… yeah.” Tadashi said, struggling over his words slightly. 

_**Kei’s just using you.** _

He quickly pushed that thought away again. Not yet. He wasn’t even sure why it popped into his head.

“Yamaguchi, I’m so sorry,” Daichi said, with quite a sad look on his face, averting his eyes. Tadashi simply muttered a small ‘It’s okay’, and squeezed Kei’s hand once again. Kei returned it, just like the ritual always went. 

“Are you going to tell the rest of the team?” Kei asked quietly, so no one outside of that room would be able to hear. Tadashi considered making another excuse like he did when he moved to Kei’s but he soon realised that no matter what, they’d find out, so it was probably better to learn it from him than some dumb rumours. Rumours caused enough damage already.

‘well, they’ll find out eventually anyway. Might as well tell them now I guess.’ Suga nodded, before walking towards the door to call them all in when Tadashi stopped him. 

‘Could I tell them now?’ Tadashi figured telling them in a group would be very chaotic, and probably very loud, and after his hit to the head from the previous day, he had a bit of a migraine, however individually would be far too awkward.

Daichi nodded, and Suga called everyone in. The small hospital room was nearly full with this many people. Even the two managers and coaches had tagged along, so the room was pretty much packed. Daichi quickly quietened the growing noise in the room, before nodding towards Tadashi, urging him to give his speech. Tadashi nodded back, squeezed Kei’s hand for the third time that day, took a deep breath then began.

“I have something important to tell you all. This doesn’t change anything, even though it’s extreme, okay?” Tadashi paused for a moment while contemplating the best way to say things. After a small second of thought, he continued.  
“My parents have abused me for as long as I can remember. Physically and verbally.”  
A ripple of gasps washed through the room as Tadashi spoke.  
“I told you all I went to live with Kei because my parents were abroad. I lied. They found out I was gay, then nearly killed me. Kei came and got me, but I still told him the same thing I told you. I opened up to him later on, a few weeks or so later. And yesterday, somehow my mother and father found out I and Kei were dating, and that I was living with him.” Tadashi noticed tears fill his eyes, and tried desperately to keep them in, before letting them spill and wiping them up immediately.  
“Mrs Tsukishima didn’t know what they did to me. So I went with them when I left practice early and left some messages for Kei so he’d know what was happening, but he didn’t see them until it was too late.” Ukai’s hand flew to his mouth, and his eyes opened in bitter realisation. He’d told Kei to turn off his phone. They must have been Tadashi’s messages! He mouthed ‘I’m sorry’ to Kei on the other side of the room, to who just looked away.  
“When we got back they um…” Tadashi looked at himself. “Yeah. Kei found me, and brought me here.”

The team stood, shell shocked. Some looked pitying, some looked furious, and others just looked too stunned to react. There were muttered “I’m so sorry”’s and “Why didn’t you tell anyone”’s etc, but no clear words said. 

“Guys, it’s fine.”

Tadashi spoke once again, quietening everyone with three simple words. He leaned and hugged Kei, who had been rubbing the pad of his thumb across Tadashi’s palm the entire time, just like always.

“I’m living with Kei now. Oh, and I’ll be off from volleyball for a couple of weeks because of my injuries.” Tadashi said casually as if it were an afterthought.

“WHAT?!” Hinata shouted at the top of his lungs.

Ukai raised his eyebrows and noted it down in his phone, and just like that, everything seemed normal again. 

…

The rest of the visit was relatively normal, and Tadashi found himself enjoying their company. Kei of course didn't enjoy it quite so much, however he was just happy that Tadashi was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! It was a little short, but I hope y'all understand! Please check out my Instagram @jesss.co.uk if you would like post notifications, or just a chat!


End file.
